Problems with family regarding treatment of my disabled dd

[lottieandmia]

A few months ago, my uncle, who I don't know really well and rarely see decided on a visit to my mums house to give my two younger children £10 each and leave out my 15 year old dd who is severely autistic. He gave it to my mum to give to me so I didn't have the chance to speak to him about it then.

I was very upset and angry. I sent the money back to him with a letter saying that I will not tolerate discrimination against dd1 in any form and that my children are all to be treated the same. I've heard nothing back from him - no apology, nothing.

What is really annoying me is that my mother keeps telling me I'm 'disloyal' and 'despicable' for sending the money back to him. She WILL NOT acknowledge that he was wrong or that I have a right to be upset. Her logic as I see it is twisted. Surely it's normal for my loyalty to be with my child above him! Apparently, according to her friends at work I'm in the wrong. It was the final straw, since before this I had noticed he tends to ignore dd1 and only speak to my other children or show interest in them.

The situation feels so unfair that I am being made to feel that I've done something wrong when it was his choice to disrespect my dd. This uncle has a track record of not very acceptable behaviour. For example, he invited my parents to stay with him and they drove 3 hours to get there and found he was out! It turned out he was in Wales. So they drove all the way back! My mum has invited him countless times, cooked a nice meal then he cancels at the last minute. I can't see why she thinks his feelings matter so much above mine, her daughter and her granddaughter. Not that it even makes a difference but dd1 likes clothes like any other teenager. I would have been able to find something for her.

I'm just very frustrated that my mother refuses to see my point of view.

I could have done that, but tbh I don't think it would have tackled the problem head on. I think he needed to be told that it's unacceptable to leave dd1 out.

I would have done exactly the same op, in fact your response to him is a lot nicer than I would have said. You have no been rude.

Our kids get enough discrimination outside the house, you'd expect better behaviour from family.

Whatever story your dm is telling people, it won't be that her brother deliberately omitted to give your disabled child a gift of money when he gave the other two non disabled children money! Or, if she is telling people exactly that then she's lying to herself about the reactions she's getting. Possibly a pause and an awkward 'ummm' and a change of subject, that your dm is interpreting as 'sure it's fine to discriminate against one child because he's disabled'

I'm disabled, although didn't used to be so have a very clear before and after. People can be fuckers. Discriminatory, disablist, prejudiced... and yet appear 'normal' until such shocking things slither out of heir mouths.

I'm angry on behalf of your son, and you.

He didn't leave your 15yo DD out, he gave it to your Mum. I'm sorry I don't know your back story. Could you not have kept the money and wrote him a letter explaining why you are upset?

Your uncle seems to have form for insensitive behaviour. Why not take this opportunity and write him an honest letter to change his view of disabled people in general and your DD in particular.

I have done things in anger before but I find sitting on my hands allows me to sort my feelings and gives me more aim once I decide to unload.

Gingerbread, I think the Uncle gave 2 * £10 to the Mum for the other two kids and nothing for dd1.

Yes Ginger - he gave £10 each for my non disabled children and nothing for dd1. He says this was because 'it would just be absorbed into the household costs' so had a go at me too for good measure

There are always things that dd1 will choose. It was not for him to decide that it's acceptable to leave her out. I felt that any response other than sending it back to him would actually have validated his behaviour.

"Absorbed into household costs" tells anyone with an ounce of common sense how outdated his idea are.

lottie you are probably fighting a losing battle with him, possibly with your mum too. But that doesn't mean you have to give in or change how you feel. Remember, you are allowed to be just as rude and thoughtless in response to his stupidities. Politeness and acquiescence in the face of male certainty is not a rule! Just an expectation from a certain kind of man... a stupid one!

Not uncommon.

I have heard of the siblings who have received money returning it when they have found out their disabled sibling has been left out.

Returning it is the only right thing to do imo.

Your mum needs to wind her neck in really .

I was very clear with him in the letter. I think my mother knows he is wrong - she just won't ever admit it.

The strangest thing is that she cut contact with her other brother because he said that dd1 probably would never go to university - a mere statement of fact. This is ok though?

Oh aim sorry I have misread your post, I thought he gave the other children money directly and the money for your dd15 to your Mum.

Not giving any to your disabled DD is of course despicable and I am so sorry for your DD and you. Apologies for misreading your post.

He's a gigantic arsehole and so is your fantasist of a mother. Anyone hearing that tale would shut her down in an instant. Unless they too are an arsehole. You did the right thing.

It's ok Ginger :) I guess it all comes back to me not being able to control how others behave. But yes, keeping the money would have made me complicit and there was no way I was going to do that.

OMG what awful behaviour towards your disabled DD. I have actually seen this behaviour from grown adults (40+) too! An uncle of mine who has now passed, always got my cousin's eldest son and the 3 girls something for Christmas and birthdays etc , and left the younger son out. (2 lads were eldest, and the 3 girls the youngest iyswim.) None of the 5 are disabled, he just took a disliking to the younger son! Never knew why, he was lovely; still is!

Hideous behaviour, and your mom is just as bad OP. I would be dropping your uncle a line (in writing - pen and paper,) and telling him why you sent it back. And then tell your mom you have done so, and why you did it, and that she is a disgrace for thinking this behaviour is ok!

It is very hard to stand up against mothers though, as (some) of them don't like to admit they are wrong. You have my sympathy OP :- be strong.