Sex offender in family

[MuffinTip]

In the last few days I have found out that a member of my family has been charged and found guilty of possessing indecent images of children as well as other extreme pornography. These were Category A level images.He was originally charged with making indecent images of children but that charge was withdrawn. Shockingly he has somehow avoided jail and been given a suspended sentence plus placed on sex offenders register. He is related to me by marriage and has several children with his wife who is a member of my family.

His wife and many other members of the family are standing by him. In fact they haven't even told anyone about his crime and trial. I only found out by accident. When we saw them recently there was no mention of this and I am sickened that they sat in my home and didn't tell me the truth about this monster. I have young children myself and I am so sad that I haven't been given the full information.

I am absolutely devastated that members of my family have kept this hidden and struggling to reconcile it all with the people I have loved and trusted all my life.

I can't believe he can get away with these crimes and still lead a basically normal life. None of their children have been removed but I believe from reading the newspaper reports that their children are very much in danger. Maybe SS are involved but obviously as none of this has been told to my directly I am not aware of it. I am so worried for their children.

I am so angry to see on FB all these happy family photos and updates knowing that he is a convicted sex offender.

I don't even know what I am asking. I just feel so betrayed and confused that everyone is sweeping it under the carpet and pretending nothing has happened. Even to the extent of keeping it hidden from other family members. I really just need to write it all down.

My husband and I have agreed that we will have no contact with any of these family members from now on in order to safeguard our own children but the whole thing is just so sickening.

I honestly don't know what to do.

Do you know for sure what exactly he did and whether his children are in danger? YANBU for not wanting to associate with him particularly as you have children. I think if he's associating with children their parents should know if he's a risk to them. Once people know though surely it's up to them whether they stand by him? Re-offending rates are lower when people have family support so if his intentions from here on out are good it might be a good thing that people are standing by him.

Thank you for the responses. It is reassuring to have some independent points of view and I take on board the point about respecting the judges decision that he is not a danger etc

Muffin don't apologise. You have nothing to apologise for.

I don't really have any useful advice. Other than to say I think you have decided to do the right thing and that, if you can, you need to challenge those family members about the possibility of them having put your kids in harms way... you'll know that from the published details.

Stay away. Be clear why if anyone ever asks. It is not your shame!

No no no. He is a danger. Suspended sentence or fines are made for many reasons.
Do not listen to people who don't know first hand about sex offenders. They are evil fuckers. You do not wank over children being grotesquely sexually abused if you are a good person. End of

User posters can come on here to vent. They don't have to necessarily get anything else from it apart from that. OP in your shoes I would want to vent my spleen somewhere safe too.

How horrible for you OP.

From a sentencer's point of view, suspended sentences are a tricky one.

In theory the process is that you decide the appropriate sentence. I.e. Community order or custody. If you decide on say 4months custody, after that decision is made we are asked to consider whether it can be suspended or whether it should be immediate.

Suspended sentences can also have requirements such as unpaid work, sex offender program, probation work etc in the same way as a community order can.

Sometimes we choose to suspend the sentence because if it is suspended we can order a sex offender programme or similar that we think may actually reduce the chance of reoffending. Also a suspended sentence can be suspended for up to 2 years which means they are monitored closely for that time. Whereas if they go straight to prison they will come out in half the time and have no 'treatment' with little probation input.

To suspend or not is a really tricky decision and one which often causes lots of debate.

WTF HarmlessChap, what a ridiculous suggestion, those poor kids to have to read that kind of thing in the local paper, bloody hell.
There is no suggestion, the OP stated she read the local newspaper reports already but also reckons that he'd not lost anything.

From what I've seen local newspapers are likely to rehash a case like that in their paper, on their website, on their FB feed and on Twitter so the chances that he will lose plenty in the long run. It won't take long to be shared in very community based group in the area.

going against the grain here but Ime there is usually a reason a judge orders a 'suspended sentence'. In our county these types of offences will always get an actual term unless serious mitigating circs. On a personal note I would also go NC, why would you risk anything less? My sympathies op x

I am not sure what I would do in this situation, other than the person would never set foot in my house again.

I can only think that the suspended sentence may have been because of him having no previous trouble with the law.

Are you going to talk to anyone who knew about it but didn't tell you? Would it not be better to clear the air and tell the family members what you now know? Or is it obvious that they'll just minimise it all?

You are doing the right thing OP. Keep your children away from this man and tell any family member who has an issue that it's none of their business what you decide about how to protect your children from a sex offender. I have some similar experience so PM me if you like.

Category A images should mean a prison sentence, if you view/buy/share that shit, you're directly responsible for child abuse, and should be sentenced as if you physically participated.

So many judges are peados though, these offenders get off all too often.

And he has got off let's face it, he's not being banged up, and the community made aware. He's moved area, and carried on with his life.

The family not telling you is outrageous OP, I couldn't forgive that.

I hope to god ss are involved with the children he's left in contact with

If there are no aggravating factors (denial of guilt, concerns over escalations ie sharing images, or progression to contact offences) then a court will often impose a suspended sentence. What is the point in a prison sentence? If your relative was sent to prison for 6 months or a year, they would receive no therapy, no help to rehabilitate themselves, to understand the gravity of their behaviour and the impact on the child victims involved in creation of such images. With a suspended sentence, they can be given treatment programmes lasting for an extended period to significantly reduce the risk of reoffending, which is in everyone's interest.

The media are not that interested in reporting these non custodial cases, there are simply too many. The really serious ones where a prison sentence results yes, but not where suspendeds are given out.

Social services will have been involved, but they are clearly satisfied with the position, given both he and children are still under the same roof.

I'd be staying far away. Here's why:

I was in a similar situation: offender had served a shirt prinson sentence, children had not been removed even though they were still pretty young. Wife took offender back and while family swept the incident under the carpet Offender was related to my via my DH.

Several years later my DH revealed to me that the offender had actually assaulted him when he was little - none of the rest of the family knew.

This is what abuse does to people - they protect the abuser, even when that is putting their own children at risk. I had always been wary, never let the children around the offender alone, never accepted invitations for the children to hang out at his house with his children but had I known that there was this secret being kept by my DH I wouldn't have even allowed my children to family events where this man was.

Why did my DH not tell me? Probably because he knew there would be no way in hell me or the children would be attending any family events which would result in awkward questions.

Fear. It works wonderfully for allowing sexual predators to carry on doing what they do.

My big brother has been jailed for voyerism (against a child) and has since reoffended, i have had nothing to do with him for almost 5 years now and I do not understand my mother standing by him.

He is sick and needs locking up permanently, I no longer have a brother.

All those Family members 'standing by' this filth would not be considered to be part of my family a moment longer.....

How do these family members reconcile with his crime ... to be happy to carry on like nothing has changed.. he isn't in jail so it wasn't that bad is a favourite excuse.. another being.. it was photos so nobody was actually harmed... WRONG on both counts..

Fuck them and their disgusting weak forgiveness ... they are lying to themselves ..

You do as you see fit OP... and you stay strong 🌺

MuffinTip Wed 08-Feb-17 17:06:39
I won't be telling newspapers?! I haven't even suggested that. It was reported locally but they have now moved area.

I am more upset that no one in my family told the truth about this man
.......
It's understandable in a way, Muffin. I've not been in that position but thinking about it, if my dad or someone was convicted of that offence, would I really want people to know? No because it would somehow reflect on me, I'd be considered part of a dodgy family. Even in the most pleasant circles there is gossip, so many people love being outraged over a sex scandal which is horrible. If I found out something about a person or if, for example, their wife or daughter confided in me, it would go no further but I know that is so often not the case - and relatives of sex offenders must long to unburden themselves.

If the man has been to court and convicted, enough people would know already.

I do not understand the man's wife staying with him, the very idea turns my stomach but presumably she and other family members think they know him better. It's their business really.

You don't have to have anything to do with any of them.

BantyCustard, your post was quite chilling, I'm so sorry for your husband and it must have been a shock to you too.

A good many years ago I read about a woman whose husband had been convicted of sexually abusing her two children (not his). She had got together with him when she was 20 but already had two little ones, he was a lot older; I daresay she felt he would look after them all and she loved him.

The abuse didn't come out until many years later - I can't remember who else he abused if at all but her two grown children gave evidence and he was found guilty.

Whilst awaiting sentence he was out and came home - where she looked after him. Her reasoning was that it was his house and as the case was known locally (Isle of Man), she could protect him from vigilantes. Of course she was shocked and disgusted with what he had done but felt it was the Christian thing to do to care for him, a fairly old man by now. She was upset because she thought he'd loved and cared for her but now realised he only married her to have access to her children, who would have nothing to do with her.

You'd be surprised at the number of people (Christians) who supported this woman's decision.

I accept that someone like him needs to have a place to live under supervision and be protected by the law but not back at the home with his wife whose children he molested.

She wrote an autobiography online which I read and, honestly, I could have wept. She had been sexually groomed and abused as a youngster and very badly treated by her children's father. What she could not see was that she had been groomed by her husband too! It was still happening. Men like him are so manipulative and stealthy.

I often wonder how all that turned out, would love to know. Honestly it was heartbreaking.

In my view,the authorities do not want to stop this sort of thing.I have made suggestions to several people who are in a position to influence government and hence legislation to at least stop children going online and making indecent images of themselves available to others.I am not blaming the "victims" here,but the parents/guardians who allow their children to access social media and of course those who groom them.
I know this would not stop adults who force children to pose for indecent images and distribute them or those who actively search for same,but it would allow the law to concentrate on the hardcore offenders rather than those who get embroiled in this behaviour because of mental issues,because in my opinion,formed from reading the experiences of female partners of offenders this is the main reason for their behaviour.
I know this post will cause a storm,but remember,prevention is better than cure.There is also a need for much more publicity of this offence,something else I have discussed with those who could make it happen,but seem reluctant to do so.

Anyone who wants to read more,go to the "stopitnow" website (they should be called "stopitwhenitisfartoolate") and read the forum.

I work in an area connected to this and ime they always get a suspended sentence for a first offence of this type. Have never heard of a case where they got custodial.

Disgusting imo.

I have no advice which would be of any use Op but I just wanted to say I read your thread and I think your hurt,anger and confusion and pain should be rightly addressed too.You must be in absolute turmoil and beyond lost and devastated with what you have found out.I am really sorry...I dont know if this is an actual thing but wondered if maybe the probation service or courts have like a family liason unit,you know maybe like the PALS system in hospitals? I dont know if such a thing exists but it might be worth enquiring.Maybe if there is such a service you could engage with it and get some support and advice and explanations as to the many whys that must be running through your head. I am really sorry ...you must be quite rightly devastated and angry and amazed ...make no wonder you are in bits anyone would be finding this out.I wish you well ,

My (used to be) brother has offended 3 times and broke the rules of the sex offenders register. He still out and about going where he pleases.

If we cannot lock these sickos away for good, perhaps tattoo them in a conspicuous place so everyone knows what they are?

People should know if they have this kind of filth in their area.

What a sicko! Well done for staying away from him and his family. Safeguard your children he’s definitely a danger to all kids