Does anyone relate to this? Not coping as well as I thought.

[Pagan]

Apologies if this is long winded. For the last few weeks I've been feeling really down and irritable. I have a DD1 almost 10 months and decided not to go back to work with the full support of my DH who is generally a wonderful hubby and Dad.

I was fine at first but finding things a bit moronic. I still don't want to go back to work because I don't think that is the root of the problem. I feel that DH isn't much of a soulmate and am beginning to wonder if he ever was. Before life was always busy busy busy and we did so many things that it didn't seem apparent if conversation was lacking. And because I was working and had a wide social circle I got plenty chat from elsewhere. Now because I am at home I feel I'm relying on him more for general chit chat which is something he is not good at. I can understand that when he comes home from a hard days work he just likes to relax but I'm fed up trying to make conversation. He goes into dreamland and I keep having to repeat myself, end up hugely frustrated and then narky, then he wonders what's up. I've been feeling lethargic and just not quite myself either so after discussion last night he thinks its psychological. He says he'll make more of an effort to talk but it's hard for him. He says he's so relaxed and happy and he's never been a huge talker.

When we do discuss things I'm always left feeling that I've got to prove myself, like all the whys and wherefores have to be asked in a snappy manner by him, never much empathy. And of course after all this discussion where at the end I still didn't feel any better he wonders why I'm not in the mood for sex.

I figure I miss my pals and the social side of things gone past. I do go to Mothers and Toddlers but the thought of having to make new pals where all that is discussed are the children horrifies me. I love my DD to bits and cannot possibly imagine life without her but I'm struggling a bit to adjust to life with her. I miss the spontenaity of being able to do exactly what I want when I want (always been hugely independent and enjoyed my own company). I feel a cow sometimes because I'm so lucky really and I really should just get on with it. But this last week I've felt even more reclusive and the thought of going anywhere or doing anything seems like a hugh effort.

Help - what is wrong with me?

Pagan
No one person can be everything to us. What you are describing as his lack of chit chat would fit most mens profiles - it certainly fits my very DH and yet I have no doubt that he is my soulmate.

Having said that I don't think you should put up with someone being snappy with you - however the first year as new parents affects all of us, often in different ways.

If I want/need chit chat I turn to my girl friends.

TBH reading between the lines it seems that you need to put some effort into making new mummy friends and perhaps make sure that you keep in contact with all your pre-baby friends.

IME the friendships with other mums do start with the babies being the common thread. However with the couple of real friends I made through baby groups we soon moved past that stage and now its not unusual to have an evening out where we don't discuss the children at all. It may also be worth looking at things which bring you into contact with others but are related to an activity which you enjoy. E.g. why don't you see if there are any evening classes you might like to go to, or day time classes somewhere there is a creche.

Even better find an activity you and your DH can both do together and get a babysitter in. Wine tasting? Language classes?

I totally agree with soapbox, the best friendships I have made since having dd/ds have started with the children in common but we now talk about anything and everything; on a recent night out children were barely mentioned. Being a SAHM doesn't mean that all you ever talk and think about again are children and there are plenty of other like minds around, it's just a case of finding them...easier said than done I know. I found my friends at toddler groups, which we still attend, but we visit each other inbetween times too. What you describe foesn't sound that unusual to me either, a lot of people I know have had similar experiences.

Good luck

You're probably right although DH and I do do lots of things together still. I am going to swimming tomorrow with one of the girls from M&T

I do miss my girlfriends terribly. They are all so busy or too far away or both and if I do chat to them I feel like I don't want to brain dump as they all seem to have enough problems or I just want to be positive and happy rather than come over as a moany cow.

I experienced much of the same sort of thing when I had my first child. It is such a lifestyle change and with your body having tons of different hormones inside you, it's no surprise that you are feeling that way.

I felt lethargic and bored and didn't want to do anything, just the way you are describing what you are feeling. I went to the doctor after my second and found I had post natal depression. My second was a year old at this stage so it is something that can just creep up on you. It might be wise to talk to a doctor about the way you are feeling because it really does sound like post natal depression. I was on anti depressants for six months and they did me the world of good.

I think part of the reason you don't feel like making friends is part of the depression too. When you feel level headed that will all fall into place. Hope this info helps, I didn't realise that depression was the reason for me feeling the way I was, but the way you are talking it sounds very similar.

Thanks for all the comments. I had thought that it might be PND or even just the hormones getting back to normal (had 3 periods in as many weeks). I'd be reluctant to take any pills though - I'm just not that sort of person.

I am going to make a colossal effort just to get out there and do it because it's not in my nature to sit around moping. Despite the pissing rain today (and it only being 12C here) I went into town to a French market that was on, spoke French to some of the stall holders, had lunch with my DH, checked out fitness things at a gym which has a creche and now I'm going to have a nice coffee and a read of some cheesy glam rag

OK - I'm now beginning to wonder if I am a fruitcake. In previous comments I suggested that the problem was I was bored during the day and relying too much on DH but we can't seem to talk without arguing at the moment. I feel like I can't say anything without it being belittled. According to him I'm just a moany cow and all he is looking for is an easy life. Case in point this morning ....

We've sold a few things (I do all the selling, packaging, posting) on Ebay. He asked his parents to give us anything that might be lying around that we could sell for them. They gave us a load of stuff which he now thinks is c**p and should just be binned. I said why don't we just try selling it anyway, you did ask them for it afterall. We are trying to get rid of junk and now we have a whole load of other peoples just lying around. He then said I worry too much about insignificant things. I said I wasn't worried about it, it was just a gripe and that his folks will be either expecting it back or expecting some dosh for it all ... conversation then descends into me just being a moany cow and him wanting an easy life ...sigh. Why is it that when a man gives his opinion on something it is considered, discussed, dismissed or agreed on, if a woman gives her opinion she is a moany cow. End of story.

Other recent examples .....

He likes M&S muesli best, "everything else is c**p" so when we were running out he said he'd get to M&S to get some. I had been into Sainsbury's to get some milk and then he asks if I got any muesli?? I said no because you said you were going to get some from M&S and because you don't like anyone elses. Hrumphing followed.

Him - "you need to get out and about more and meet new friends" Then asks what I'm doing today. I replied I was going swimming with one of the girls from Mums/toddlers. There then follows an analogy about whether this is OK and if DD has had enough injections (she has) and what am I going to do, just lether splash about for a while? I said I was doing it more for me than for her.

Can anyone understand what I'm getting at here? I feel like I have to justify everything for him but then when I do I'm made out to be like a moany cow.

It was our wedding anniversary on Tuesday. He said he'd got me a present but left it in work. Then he admitted he hadn't got it yet. He then said he couldn't find it to get it. I said that I didn't mind not getting something but I did mind false promises as there was no need for it. Then he asked if it was OK for him to go out on Tuesday night doing one of his hobbies. I said I didn't mind at all as he agreed we could go for dinner on Friday. I made him a card. We discuss dinner then he says he's not that bothered about it. I say well we can go on Saturday he says fine. I jokingly say that it's a sad state when at only the 2nd anniversary we've resorted to no celebration and hinted that it wasn't very good was it. He said don't worry I'll get you flowers. I said I shouldn't have to ask. He then said hey it's a two way street you'll get flowers if there is more passion from you.

He finally went to work this morning and I could tell he was totally sick and tired of me. It was like, "look I've given you a hug, cheer up and get on with it". I'm at a bit of a loss now as there just seems to be no meeting of the minds here.

I've just logged onto mumsnet because I am feeling exactly the same way as you. My ds is 5 months. I feel so low at the moment, like a complete failure. There are plans for me to go back to work when ds is 5 months, financially it seems like the best thing, and over the last few months I am wondering if it is the best thing for me too - being at home all day is just turning me into the moany person. I feel completely unappreciated - but then how excited can someone else be that the house is tidy, and the baby is washed and dressed and fed and content? I know that dh feels that he is under a lot of pressure - he doesn't like his job much. But he comes home every night and I listen to how his day was and then eventually he asks me how mine was, and it just seems so pathetic to say - well I didn't speak to anyone much and it was really really hard. I look at my ds and I think I am so ungrateful because he was very much wanted, and is wanted, I love him so much. But my dh just doesn't seem to see that being at home is so hard, and I would just like some time to myself - just a litte. He babysat for me a couple of weeks back and I went to the bingo with my sister. It was great but there hasn't been an opportunity to go again. I have some baby-mum-friends, but they are all starting to go back to work and I know I must make an effort to go to some M&T groups.

I do all the feeding, all the night feeds, 95% of the nappies, all the bath times, I am always the one - and then I think well I suppose I should be because I am the mum. But I would just like a weekend. A break. Something.

My dh does share the cooking with me. So I should be pleased about that. But then we shared the cooking before ds came along - so I just don't see how his life has changed, when mine has changed so much. I used to earn money, have a job, make decisions, do what I liked. And it seems to me that he still does all these things and I don't. My time has to be planned.

I'm rambling now. And I haven't helped you I know. I'm just offloading my problems. Sorry.

I've got to go, ds is awake, and dh has gone out. He's not talking to me after I started an argument last night. So that's another weekend I've ruined - and I feel so low because it's the weekends that I live for.

I mean there are plans for me to return to work at 10 mths. When I talk to my dh about how I'm feeling he says things like - well youre obvoiusly not coping. And, well why don't you just go back to work then - but in a way that suggests I'm a total failure. He says didn't i expect it to be hard. My expectations of him are too high. His mum didn't have Tesco.com to deliver HER shopping etc. I know he thinks I am useless and I try and see it from his point of view and I do look at myself and think, how did i become this person? I thought being at home would be so rewarding, and it is... when you can step back and look at it ... but at the time it's so hard and feels so lonely. We are moving in a month and i'm going to make a huge effort to go out andmeet more mums, but until then it doesn't seem like there's any point.

my dh says i am depressed, but most of the time i feel ok - well sort of borderline if that makes any sense. At the same t

My heart goes out to you BB. I don't think dads realise it is hard work and constant. A job brings a wage and personal development feedback but although being a mum is much more worthwhile and rewarding I think we expect similar praise for our performance. My DH is fortunately pretty hands on and DD sleeps all night too so I'm pretty blessed in that department.

It is wonderful to get time on your own. I think it helps to think that dad has his full time job and you have yours but you both need your nights out and breaks from it. One night out at the bingo doesn't seem like much of a social life at all. I know I like to go out more but have this mental block in that I hate asking (again comes from the independent streak I have) and there is no need for me to be like this coz DH is happy for me to go out. Perhaps you could take the positive tack and just organise a wee night out with pals and then say to hubby that you're off out for a wee while on (whatever day) and could you please watch DS. Be smiley and happy about it then if he goes off on one then he is being unfair.

I don't mind you offloading at all, we all need to do it sometimes. Looking at yesterdays rant made me smile - I was in a foul mood. Feel better today.

Big hugs

I'm sceptical about depression . I do not want to belittle anyone who does have it but I think all too often it's an easy excuse for people (men in particular) to use to explain your circumstances. I find this very patronising because it's just passing blame onto something else rather than looking at their own shortcomings. It doesn't just happen after babies either, men use the "you are just hormonal" label all the time when they are looking for a quiet life.

Hi Pagan & Billysboobs,
When my DS's were small(now 5.5yo), I felt much the same as both of you, particularly the bit about DH's life not changing and mine having changed completely.
I took a years career break after having my DS twins, but being at home just made me more and more depressed, I really wish I'd gone back sooner. I went back P/T doing 3 days, it was just what I needed, I suddenly got my life back again.
Being in work is great, then being at home is great as well, it makes you really appriciate, being at home.
There is alot more running around to do, and it can get stressful, but well worth it if your not the SAHM type. As I've said, my only regret is not going back sooner.

I think about going back to work, and I think I will at 10 mths, but in some ways it just makes me think that I can't cope as a mum. My rational head says this is stupid so I know I will have to deal with that one myself. In some ways I wish I had always thought that I would go back to work, so that I didn't have to rationalise it.

As for depression, well about every 2-3 weeks I hit a low point where I think I am just exhausted and can't keep it up anymore and I get angry with my dh and start a row. He doesn't get it obviously and usually says - oh just go and have a period.

I don't really want to take anything anyway, like I said, most days I feel like I am coping and then once every three weeks I just can't keep it going.

My dh has said there is no reason why I shouldn't go out once a week... (in the evening obviously) but with the football being on and stuff it hasn't really happened. Also I hate having to ask and plan - but I know I will have to get used to that. He can, of course, just stay on for a drink after work - and frequently does - and I just 'cope' at home until he gets home.

It's a false hope though - he may do dinner (I will have worked out what we are having and prepped it all etc) but I still have to get ds to sleep, which is a job in itself, and I know I will be up a couple of times during the night too, so it's hard to relax.

Even if I go out - who will do the night feeds (even if they are bottles, I still do them). So I can't have a drink.

I should be grateful he cooks dinner really.

I don't know why I am finding it so hard.

Anyway, thanks to you both for the comments. Chin up eh!

x

Billysboobs, I don't know if this will help you at all but...I felt exactly as you describe when dd was around 5 months, like I should have been feeling better than I was but in reality I felt wretched. By the time she was 1 I felt so much better and had more confidence, little things like her starting with finger foods so I could actually eat a meal, being able to give her a drink of water and a rice cake rather than having to bf her all the time, I also joined a baby music groups, which I know take a bit of a pounding on here, but for me it was a salvation; I met so many other people to spend time with. We never did anything tremendously exciting, just visited each other in our homes but it helped so much, to break the monotony you describe and to have someone to talk to.

With ds (now 10 months) I was careful not to fall into the situation I had previously and I have found it easier but have also come to the conclusion that before the age of 1 I struggle with my role, I just don't find the young baby bit appealing or rewarding. Now dd is 2 1/2 it's still hard, hard work but you get so much more back than when she was tiny.

My dh has been very supportive but I still think it's impossible for him to realise what it's like to be a 24 hours carer and to be pushed so far out of your comfort zone, when he returned to his after 2 weeks.

BTW, I bf and aften have a glass of wine or beer in the evening, with no ill effects to anyone.

I don't know if any of this will help you at all.

Just back online. It sounds like you do need to plan one night a week and make it your night for whatever you choose. This should then become the norm and hopefully your DH will realise that it's your night and get used to it. You could then use the time to go to the gym, out with pals, late night shopping whatever you choose. I'm starting this. Thursday night is my big night. This week I'm going to get pampered at the hairdressers for 2 hours (not been cut for months so look like a witch) and next Thursday I'm going to a yoga class.

Big group hugs all round coz we deserve it and we're the best!!!

Just saw this thread and felt I had to say - please don't assume its a prob with your marriages! I think it is just having a baby. I was really p**d off for the first couple of years that my life had changed massively and dhs hardly at all - and that was with me working. I still end up planning everything etc. Still do really, but with ds now nearly 3 we've put some systems in place to make sure dh is home when he needs to be etc (wall calendar and lots of advance dates in his work diary etc). I think it is just the way it is, and although it needs sorting out (paternity leave longer, cheaper childcare, etc...), it also needs to be lived with for now. It probably isn't a fundamental prob with your marriage, your dh not being your soulmate - just many men really don't get what being a mum is like in the first couple of years, so you are a bit apart for that time - but it will get better!!!

Pagan - this sounds so much like me when DD when was about one.

I felt fat, stupid, unattractive, bored, trapped and pretty worthless. Always felt I was running after DH like a puppy when he came home gagging for any tit bit of conversation he would throw me.

In hindsight I was probably slightly PND but wouldn't admit it (also not a pill person and definitely pull-your-socks-up person). I was figthing the whole motherhood thing and hated most of the mother toddler groups - especially when I'd see mummys really enjoying their kids and all I wanted to do was hand mine over to anybody and get back to MY life.

The two most important thing I did to change it was go to the gym (my self esteem needed picking up) and make friends with another mummy who felt like me (and dared to say it).

I am currently expecting no 2 (having said for more than 3 years I didn't want another, didn't like the way it made me feel) and will approach the whole thing differently. DD will be going to school this autumn and I shall join in all the PTA things etc. I am not an earth mother and have decided to stop beating myself up about that (even though I knew that before I got pg). I do not bake my own bread, wear orthopedic sandals (actually I do but they are trendy now) and I love a good snoop in Hello.

I hope you find someone with whom you can have a good whinge - and a laugh with.

Nimme - you made me laugh out loud. I'd love to find another mum who thought the same as me and I could say what I like without tumbleweed drifting past

I've looked into classes at a leisure centre which has a creche so am looking forward to getting of my growing backside and getting fit again. Hopefully I'll get high on the pheromones. Heck I used to go hillwalking (serious hillwalking - 5 in a weekend), rock climbing, skiing, black belt in tae kwon do, boxercise, the odd jog. I was miss superfit and and now I can hardly climb the stairs without gasping and struggle to open a jam jar.

M2 - your comments made a lot of sense. Women just can see the whole picture whereas men see in straight lines.

Erm some new developments ladies .... did a pregnancy test yesterday and it was positive!!!!!!!

That could explain a lot although I'm flicking through my diary trying to establish when and where exactly.

I'm delighted, as is DH but feeling dreadful unlike my last one which was hassle free. I've only had one period since stopping bf completely and that was back in May. Followed by 2 single days of bleeding and DH was away for virtually all of May. Getting a doc appt asap as I'm a bit concerned about the bleeding as the most likely time of me conceiving was back at the end of April.

Crikey - I'm still in a bit of a shock

Congratulations Pagan, glad you are delighted

Big shock but congratulations

Hopefully things will settle down soon, early pregnancy is supposed to be the worst bit for symptoms so you're next 2 trimesters might be great.

Oooh ta much - kinda puts my ambitions to get fit again on hold though

Sod getting fit, stick to dipping gherkins in ice cream

Any excuse to scoff more choccies.

Just in case you didn't see other thread - I'M 10 WEEKS PREGNANT and all OK - hopefully will remain ok.

Yours in shock