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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I shouldn't set my hopes on friendship :-(

21 replies

theylikemetheylikemenot · 27/02/2007 16:49

I don?t really have any friends locally and I find it very hard to make friends generally. Although I?m an outgoing person, it seems that I can never really get past the chatting to people on a general level. My dh on the other hand has a few friends, but as he doesn?t work locally, his friends are closer to where he works, so I?m not really a part of his circle of friends either iyswim.

But this weekend we had a weekend away with a friend of dh?s and his dp. Weekend went really well I thought, we had a meal out on Saturday night, stayed in a hotel and were up until late chatting the bar then went sightseeing on Sunday and all had a laugh. I actually felt really positive esp as they?re a couple, so thought that maybe we could have some friends as a couple for once, even though they don?t live locally to us.

Yesterday dh sent an email to them both just saying thanks for the weekend and how much we?d enjoyed it etc. Had an email back from friend?s dp saying they?d had a nice time and that we should maybe arrange to get together again some time. So I thought I?d take the bull by the horns and emailed back suggesting that maybe they?d like to come to us one weekend? Didn?t suggest dates or anything it was just a general invite really.

Have just spoken to dh and he said that he very much doubts that they will come and to not put any hope on this friendship. I feel totally deflated now. I know my dh just doesn?t want me to get my hopes up and to then be upset when the friendship comes to nothing, but still it?s left me feeling totally crap. Have I acted too desperate? Should I not be encouraging friendships because they invariably all end in nothing anyway?

OP posts:

Original poster

theylikemetheylikemenot · 27/02/2007 17:07

OP posts:

lulumama · 27/02/2007 17:09

that is really positive! why is your DH throwing cold water over it!

TBH, i would wait and see the response to the 'lets do this again' ,before suggesting dates...so as not to add too much pressure

i would email back and say that would be great! lets sort out a good time ....

why is he doubting this?

sounds like hs is the one to not set his hopes on it, not you , IFYSWIM

tenbygirl · 27/02/2007 17:10

I totally sympathsie as I feel very much the same. I don't really have any close friends lcoally anymore as my 2 good friends have moved away. Sometimes get invited out by one or ther of the mum's at the school gate, but not on a regular basis and I sometimes feel its to make numbers up! Have invited people back for coffee and they come once and say they must come again or me to them and then nothing happens.

Maybe its partly my fault as I am very busy with work so not often about at the school gate.

There ought to be like a dating website - but for women who just want to find a friend, someone to have coffee with

Tatties · 27/02/2007 17:10

Why does dh think they won't come? I would give it a week or so to see if they reply to your email.

Dior · 27/02/2007 17:11

Message withdrawn

NineUnlikelyTales · 27/02/2007 17:11

I don't see why your DH is being so negative - spending a weekend together already indicates a friendly interest, so why wouldn't they want to do it again if it went well?

You definitely haven't acted desperate (unless you also sent them an itinerary of what you would do if they came, plus gifts that would be given, bribes etc.

SNOWBall4girlz · 27/02/2007 17:12

think you being nice and friendly and nothing ventured nothing gained iyswim
did your dp not get on wth them as well as you did?

Mumpbump · 27/02/2007 17:13

Sounds promising to me. I'd just see what happens and not worry about it too much at this stage.

Original poster

theylikemetheylikemenot · 27/02/2007 17:15

I think he just doesn't want me to set myself up for a fall iykwim, to put my hopes on forming a friendship only for it all to come to nothing.

we've been together long enough now that he knows I don't make friends easily, so it's almost natural for him to point out that I can't make friends. I don't think he means it maliciously, I think he's just heard me say so many times that i can't make friends that he now realizes and agrees with me.

OP posts:

Dior · 27/02/2007 17:17

Message withdrawn

Original poster

theylikemetheylikemenot · 27/02/2007 17:17

snowball yes my dh got on with them very well, in fact the guy is one of his best friends.

OP posts:

ohsmellyjelly · 27/02/2007 17:17

Message withdrawn

Original poster

theylikemetheylikemenot · 27/02/2007 17:24

no he didn't say why he thought they wouldn't come, he does often point out though that "we don't have any friends" when what he really means is "you don't have any friends" as he has plenty, just not locally.

OP posts:

NineUnlikelyTales · 27/02/2007 17:26

Do you think maybe your DH wants to keep his friends to himself and not share? I know a couple who keep their friends very separate and this is the sort of thing the DH would say to his DW.

ohsmellyjelly · 27/02/2007 17:28

Message withdrawn

Original poster

theylikemetheylikemenot · 27/02/2007 17:33

NineUnlikelyTales yes I had considered that. Dh has always said that yes of course he would love me to be a part of his social life, but tbh, he's had his own friends for so long now that, if I'm honest, I'm not sure he would even really know how to include me. I really don't think it's a deliberate attempt to exclude me, I just think that he's been going out on his own for so long now that if I was there it probably would feel strange to him, does that make sense?

SJ I did used to go to toddler groups with my ds, but then when he started preschool I drifted away from that scene and a lot of the mums I had befriended moved away for various reasons. The mums from preschool are generally lovely but most have jobs/lives of their own. have invited a couple round for lunch etc, but invites are never recipricated.

OP posts:

fireflyfairy2 · 27/02/2007 17:33

It sounds to me that when you get confidence up to make a new friend, Dh somehow knocks it out of you.

Have you ever heard of a self fulfilling prophecy?? "OH, I can't make new friends, I find it difficult" Therefore you will fulfil your self prophecy & find it hard

How about saying "I am going to make a new friend within the next 2 months, I am" Then you have another prophecy, with a more positive outcome, to fulfil

Have a chat with dh, see if he can stop being negative with you.. it's not very encouraging!

kathryn77 · 27/02/2007 17:35

I agree - you have not acted desparate. I think it was friendly.

I am the same - i have a few friends but have realised I am bad at making them. I do not understand why... we go out with friends of dh and their dp and even though am friendly, seem to be out of the circle and find it difficult to know how to engage conversation .. whatever i say, they all seem really buddy even though i have known them as long!

it is odd isn't it. i do think there should be website for friends but going on the success of my meet a mums

anyway enough ranting, i think you were friendly not desperate.

RubyRioja · 27/02/2007 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

theylikemetheylikemenot · 27/02/2007 18:25

lol ruby.

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 27/02/2007 18:35

Does your dh lack confidence too? If not I think he may be undermining you - does this feel like a pattern?

I personally have found that many friendships that I would like to go further, don't

meanwhile there are other people who are clearly keen on me who I can take or leave.

I think as long as a refusal is not going to devastate you, you have done exactly the right thing. However IME you may have to wait for several situations like this and make several offers like this before you find someone who feels the same way and wants the friendship to develop. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. Just people don't always 'click', or they may have enough social commitments going on at present.

The other thing I often find is that if I like a person I am keen to move things on quite quickly, whereas most people like to let things develop slowly. So if these people don't accept your offer now, it doesn't mean that the friendship is sunk - just that it may take longer before you get to the level of closeness you would like.

Flip