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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I in the wrong? Help!!!

26 replies

CarlyB2017 · 08/02/2017 09:25

Okay this is my first post on here but I am just looking for a bit of advice.

On Sunday it was my son's 8th Birthday and my partner and I organised a party for him. Now my partner is not my son's father but has taken them on, they both see their father regularly and everyone has a good relationship. First we took my two sons and the 10 kids we had invited to go and play football at a local park we had booked for an hour, kids loved it but on arrival back to the house my partner decided that he was going out to his friends house to get his head showered and watch the second half of the match. Now had there been another adult with me, I would have been perfectly fine but I was the only adult left with the kids and I cannot split myself in 2 to watch them, as I was also trying to cook as well. Well of course this didn't go down well with my partner when I called him on it and now I'm the worst person in the world. I have had a lot of things threw in my face about organising it with their father in future and how there isn't many fella's out there that would take on two kids. Now bearing in mind my partner also has two kids, their mother has emotionally abused them into not seeing their father and he has fought through the courts for the last two years to see them. I have been by his side the whole time, and also picking up the pieces when he has broken down. I am not looking for gratification for it, but I just think that he has a short memory.

If I am in the wrong I will admit it, but I don't feel that I actually am, if it had of been 10 kids who's mothers I was really friendly with fine. But there were children that were at my house and it was their first time being there. Of course he sauntered home half an hour later when I had calmed down the screaming kids and everything on the outside looked fine.

Thanks for your help!

OP posts:
ageingrunner · 08/02/2017 09:28

He sounds like an arsehole. Does he usually throw it in your face about taking your kids on?

Costacoffeeplease · 08/02/2017 09:31

Is he often like this? He sounds vile

Original poster
CarlyB2017 · 08/02/2017 09:36

No he 's never like this, no he's never mentioned it before about the kids either. I actually have a very good happy relationship with him until this happened. I would pick and choose my battles as I don't like fighting but I've chosen this one. I just don't know If I am being a little Over the top, I don't feel that I am and this is why I am standing my ground.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 08/02/2017 09:50

You are not being OTT. He agree to help you and he should have stayed until the end. Cooking for and organising 12 kids is a lot of work for one person.

What other things have you let go because you don't like fighting ?

Original poster
CarlyB2017 · 08/02/2017 10:06

Nothing In the way of serious matters, just wee silly day to day things that would sometimes annoy but nothing major. He really is a good step father to my boys and they love him but I just don't get why he is being so stubborn. I have actually packed a bag and I'm going to stay in my dads for a bit until the air clears cause we had a row last night and I don't like my kids being around the tension.

Thank you, yes 12 kids is a lot for one person to manage with but he really thinks I am being unreasonable in saying so... I'm not wonder woman, I did call him selfish which he seems to be stuck on but in my head he quite clearly was. Also last night whilst we were arguing, he did mention that I should go back to my old house. Which I obv cant do as I live with him now which is why I am going to my fathers home for a few days.

OP posts:
ageingrunner · 08/02/2017 10:23

And he only went out for half an hour? Couldn't he have waited?
It sounds like he's trying to provoke you for some reason. Could he have met someone else maybe?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/02/2017 10:26

Do you think it could have triggered something in him, about not being able to do similar with his own DC?

Original poster
CarlyB2017 · 08/02/2017 10:35

Ageingrunner, I also had thought that, we were away on holiday in January and since we came back he has been a bit strange, I actually mentioned it too him and he told me that there was nothing wrong, and I believed him. Hes not working late or going out for long periods of time. Holiday was great no issues while we were away!

Yes It possibly could of triggered something but as I mentioned we would have quite a good relationship and we would talk a lot about his kids as I don't like him to bottle it up as it is hard on him. But if this has triggered something I do still feel that he has went completely the wrong way about it and yes I am sure he could of waited as the kids were going home one hour after we got home from the football!!

OP posts:
Original poster
CarlyB2017 · 08/02/2017 10:38

Def think I just need a break for the min until I get my own head cleared and work out what I want to do, yes everyone makes mistakes but if he had of realised that by now and apologised then everything would be fine. I'm not one to hold grudges either or go back over the past. It has happened and I cant change it, the only thing we can do is change our actions going forward.

OP posts:
RobotLover68 · 08/02/2017 10:57

coincidentally, I had pretty much that scenario a couple of weeks ago with my DH - 12 x 13/14 year olds, we took them to trampoline centre, back here to cook pizzas and party food. DH helped with everything to the end until we both collapsed in a heap 5 hours later when they'd all gone home. You are not in the wrong, that is a lot of work for one person and he should have been there.

Original poster
CarlyB2017 · 08/02/2017 11:19

Thank you RobotLover, I definitely don't feel like I am in the wrong and I am sure you both had your hands full with 13/14year olds too!! Ours were all 8 year olds bar my older son who is 11 and his friend. They kept themselves to themselves and played upstairs whilst myself and the rest of the kids stayed downstairs. I was trying to cook and look after them at the same time plus get them fed, it was def hard work.

Ohhhh I just don't know what to think, but thank you for your reply xx

OP posts:
Ilovecaindingle · 08/02/2017 11:34

Sounds like he had a flash of resentment that you had the opportunity to celebrate your ds birthday while he isn't seeing his kids. My exh was like this. He was a gokd step dad when it suited him but had black moods about not seeing his kids but that I had mine. . Actually the resentment he held spilt us up indirectly at the end.

ApplePaltrow21 · 08/02/2017 11:37

Maybe he was upset about not seeing his kids and he couldn't take it. Kind of like the way a woman who has had a miscarriage struggles at baby showers.

He may have not known how to deal with his feelings so he lashed out.

HarmlessChap · 08/02/2017 11:45

Was he fully briefed or did you simply assume that he was totally up to speed with what was required of him?

It sounds as though he knew he was required for the footy game, that's probably well within his comfort zone the rules are clear they are within the game so as a bloke its easy to know how to handle the whole thing.

I love my own kids and can cope with a 2 or 3 of their friends but really don't feel comfortable looking after larger groups of kids especially ones I don't know. I.e. how much do you let them get away with, what is appropriate regarding reigning in silliness, if one hurts themselves will their parents think you're a pedophile if you give them a cuddle etc. etc.

I was ever so glad when the kids were that age I worked every Saturday and the birthday parties were always held on a Saturday.

HarmlessChap · 08/02/2017 11:46

only knew he was required for the footy game I mean

stilllearnin · 08/02/2017 11:54

Hi. I am in a similar situation to your dp (I am a mum to 2 and my ex is keeping them away) it gets to us both sometimes, particularly when something crops with either set of children (my dp has children he sees freely).

It is no excuse for rowing or spiteful words and we work hard to keep it in check, but occasionally it happens. We are committed to each other and so we absolutely make sure we talk it through when it happens being as honest as possible. Maybe talk to him about it? Resentment bubbling under is a killer. If he came back in half an hour perhaps he surprised himself about how he felt..

Good luck

stilllearnin · 08/02/2017 11:56

Sorry just read back and didn't mean to imply that you don't support him. I see you do. Just wondering if the party is a red herring really. Its very tough for you both not seeing his kids properly.

Original poster
CarlyB2017 · 08/02/2017 12:07

Sorry to hear that you don't get to see your kids, yes it is hard on us both, more so him, but it is tough some times. You could be right in that it is something to do with him not being able to see his girls, as his little girls birthday is only a couple of weeks away, but I would never carry on nor do what he done. Meby that's because I'm a girl, and were cursed with having more feelings and emotions towards certain scenarios'. Oh I have fully supported him through everything that has happened with him ad the kids, it took me a very long time at the start for him to open up to me but we got there. Cause I hated the idea of him bottling everything up. xx

OP posts:
stilllearnin · 08/02/2017 12:22

Despite our keeping open rule, I spent a night in a hotel room 2 weeks ago! I just needed a break from not having the children at our house. We had bickered in the day and I got out before it got worse. I don't carry on either, but the frustration and helplessness of his situation for both of you is very tough. I made sure he knew before i left that I didn't want it to end. Take a break if it won't upset or confuse your children.

Original poster
CarlyB2017 · 08/02/2017 12:39

Yip sometimes we all need a break from it all, Kids are away to see their father to night so I can have some peace in my fathers as he is actually on holiday. I haven't spoken to my partner and don't really intend on doing so as I am just so frustrated with everything that has happened. He doesn't seem to be wanting to make amends, and I can be quite stubborn and think well if your not willing to make the effort then why should I. Now in saying that if I was to be told it was about the kids I would be a bit more lenient, but I am still really annoyed about the situation he put me in. xx

OP posts:
stilllearnin · 08/02/2017 13:30

Yes. Your dad's sounds good then. He needs to say sorry and try to be open about where it came from. My dp has got a lot better at not flying off the handle and saying stupid stuff. I remember the precise words and agonise over them! If your dp cannot explain why he said those things then you will be tempted to take him at his word. Have a lovely night to yourself

Vagabond · 08/02/2017 13:48

Carly, my take on this is that he's not used to having to shoulder the responsibility and feels absolutely ok by just waking away to leave you with it. He probably thinks you're absolutely capable and didn't realise that you you might not have needed his physical help (though you probably did), but that what you probably wanted most was his emotional support.

I would have wanted the emotional support more than anything - coz, fuck - it's stressful.

Basically, he was selfish. I wouldn't end the relationship over it, or move out.... you need to talk it through and sort out what sort of support you expect from him.

I think most men are selfish. I have rarely been proved otherwise (though I appreciate that some men are amazing!).

Just let him know that he let you down and don't labour the point.

Fricking parties! So stressful!

HarmlessChap · 08/02/2017 13:50

You still haven't said if he was aware that he was expected to be providing child care to a bunch of other people's kids, after the football, or whether you simply assumed he would be fine with it.

I am still really annoyed about the situation he put me in
If he didn't know and wasn't comfortable with that, and many men wouldn't be, then it would be a position you put him in.

TheNaze73 · 08/02/2017 14:21

You've not said enough about the expectations of the day, so will have to sit on the fence. If he's agreed already, then he was a tit, if you hadn't & you assumed, then you need to look at yourself

Original poster
CarlyB2017 · 08/02/2017 14:45

Yes he was aware that the kids were coming back to ours for a party and he would be needed to help with it.

OP posts:
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