DH won't take anything seriously. Wearing me down.

[SWtoSEGirl]

Posted here a couple of times & the advice has been brilliant, so here goes.

Been with my DH for 9 years, married 2. He is genuinely lovely, funny and my best friend.

The problem is he perpetually treats everything like a joke - he's constantly joking around to the point we barely have an adult conversation & I end up feeling exhausted, naggy & unlistened to. Does anyone else experience this?

I reach the point of exasperation, get evidently irritated by him & try to explain to him how I feel, but sound like such a bitch & overly critical.

I'm going through a difficult time at work at the moment & we're trying to make some big life decisions (subject of previous posts) but he will always make a joke or gloss over things when I try to talk to him. It's really pushing me away from him & I can feel myself acting cold, which I dont want. When I'm away from him I always resolve to be more positive, but when we see each other I just end up feeling worn down & trivialised. It's really causing a problem now. Has anyone else experienced similar or can advise?

It sound like he uses this' humour' to create distance between himself and the world. I had a partner who did this, he found life in general overwhelming, and was flippant all the time.
I think you've got every right to be heard, ( I mean your feelings about being trivialised, as well as the trivialisation). You really need to convey this message to him.

Yup - I've experienced this with two previous partners - found it very difficult to deal with. We all need to be 'witnessed' and someone treating everything as trivial or a laugh is infantilising. Can't offer any advice except to say that for me neither relationship worked out and I'm now with someone who is very different.

Thank you for your replies, I think I'm just exhausted by it to be honest & perhaps need to get away with friends for a weekend. Im just so desperate to feel listened to & that I'm not a joke

Does he keep it up even when you are being deadly serious/angry/emotional? My DH doesn't do the jokes but tends to brush over things/just apologise by default. It is fine now though, I have learnt to let him know clearly I really want to speak to him about x, and he has learned to allow himself to discuss feelings etc. If he really brushes you off in any circumstances, then I don't know what to advise.

I have an ex who did this. He found talking about emotions really difficult, so would resort to making jokes. Another trait was to trying to turn everything into a funny story. He acknowledge he did it and why, but was never able to open up. I had enough in the end as he was such a closed book.

Yes, my exH was like this. It was so difficult to engage with him as equal adults and only got worse as time went on eg. he didn't want to take responsibility for any decisions regarding the DC. One of (the many) reasons our marriage didn't last.

I reach the point of exasperation, get evidently irritated by him & try to explain to him how I feel, but sound like such a bitch & overly critical.

This x100000

My DP was the exact same OP. Still can be to be fair. We have been together 8 years now and have come a long way from the early days where serious conversations were the bane of my life. It's taken a long time but I've found that I do have to prepare him that the conversation is coming, not just try and talk to him out of the blue iykwim. So for example in the morning I will say "right, we need to sit and talk about XYZ tonight over dinner. Serious talk. No joking about" and he will come to dinner with his serious face on and we will talk. If he starts to get bored and starts messing around I just remind him that we're having a serious talk and now is not the time and he will usually stop. Trying to talk when he's not expecting it results in me getting annoyed at him and as you say above, sounding like such a bitch.

Sorry I have no other words of wisdom. I'm sure someone else will be along to offer some more useful advice.

Thank you for the advice- I hadn't seriously thought about it being to do with his difficulty dealing with emotions - but it makes perfect sense. He can't bear it if I cry & will try to make me laugh instead (not always appropriately!) He will actively change the subject if anything serious/ important is raised.

Spaceduck - I'm going to take your advice & prepare him for those conversations, so tgank you!

Would he be interested in any type of help with communication? Self help book or course perhaps? It must be very frustrating for you. How does he do it at work?