Fucking fucking fed up!!

[NameChangeOutOfShame]

Hi everyone, I'm a long time lurker first time poster and I think I just want to get some thoughts out of my head and down on "paper" if you know what I mean. I've been having some trouble for a long time and I feel it's all coming to a head inside me and I don't want to do something rash.

My DP suffers from depression and anxiety. I try really hard to separate him from his illness but it's hard. I feel constantly on eggshells and at the mercy of his moods. I shelve my own feelings or downplay them because when it comes down to it I just can't be bothered causing an argument. He doesn't mean to make me feel like this, but quite often I do. I myself struggle with moods and anxiety but he cannot really sympathise or empathise with this which surprised me st first but now I just take things how they are. Last year I had ongoing health worries for about 10 months which thankfully turned out to be nothing but could have been very serious and during that time I felt like I lost all control of my life as my partner just could not understand my fears. I spent nights crying in the bathroom, not even out of sadness but just out of total fucking frustration at the situation.

So alongside dealing with more sensible anxiety I now seem to have got to a point where I am continuously so on edge that I worry about anything and everything, with no sense of proportion. I spend my time with a permanent knot in my stomach and use so much bloody energy just on being worried about total shit and nonsense, to actual worries. It is draining me and I am now at a point where daily life exhausts me. I work full time in a demanding job and when I look in the mirror at work I hate the woman who looks back at me. I've lost most of my energy, enthusiasm and sparkle and can't think how to start getting it back! Putting on makeup, doing my hair and if I'm honest even showering some mornings are major efforts, and I used to be a person who loved all that stuff. I have enough products to open a small branch of Boots in my garage, I just can't be arsed to use them.

I don't know what I'm looking for out of this - maybe some suggestions to get a bit more like me again? Life has worn me down and I want to feel like the best version of myself because the longer this goes on the more I realise how much I miss her.

Anyone who read this long, my most massive thanks and for you!!

Hiya life sounds pretty grim for you. I'm not sure depression gives anyone carte blanche to act as shittily as you suggest your p is acting? Maybe that's just how he is. And there's no hierarchy of illness. Not in my opinion. So lack of sympathy from him is plain wrong and unkind.
What do your friends think?

Be honest with yourself, is it time to call time on this relationship? It's ok to walk away because you need to put your health first.

I'm on anti-depressants for depression but my OH doesn't walk on eggshells at the mercy of how I'm feeling.

So many shit men on here using their depression as a licence to treat their partners like shit! Depression does not turn you into a cruel person; it's numbing and does not give you energy to be spiteful; are you sure this is not just him OP, you can end a relationship when you want btw, you don't have to stay out of duty or loyalty; esp when said person is driving you to depression yourself.

I think you need to put yourself first for a change.
Baby steps...start off with making an appointment to get your hair/nails/brows done this week. Next week, say 'yes' not 'no' if someone invites you for a coffee and if they don't, take yourself off, on your own to the nearest chain armed with a book or a magazine and allow yourself an hour at least of total, complete, well deserved down time.
Small steps, one challenge a week, that's how I managed things when overwhelmed with the ex's depression/nastiness/ twattery.
Note the 'ex'...

I spent nearly two years with exP with mental health issues. It nearly killed me, and now over a year later and total NC I'm still suffering the fallout with my own health because of it. It's taken a long time to try and get on an even keel. You can't fix it, or cure it. You can only look after yourself. You are at high risk of developing anxiety, depression and health issues if you haven't already got them.

It's god awful and I know exactly how you feel, walking on egg shells, suppressing your own emotions etc. Your body is on high alert all the time. It's time to look after yourself now.

You need to start doing stuff FOR YOU. Yes you should support your partner, as he would (presumably) support you. That does not equate to martyring yourself.

Do things that you used to enjoy, through a filter of "what about this did I like?" Did you enjoy going out at the weekends with your friends? you can recapture that social interaction by having your friends round (or going round theirs.) Did you used to like having some time to yourself, like going to the gym, having a massage, etc? Bloody well start doing it!

When you support someone with MH problems, yes you are supporting them, but you must take care of your own needs and wants as well. Otherwise you'll be a crappy support!

If your P refuses to accept this - then you've got your answer as to whether he's genuinely depressed, or using the diagnosis to his own ends.

Dealing with someone with anxiety is fucking exhausting. You deserve a bloody medal. Do stuff for you. Please.

Remember this is also your life so maybe consider whether you would be happier on your own xxx

OP I feel for you, I have just posted about my own DH. I also suffer from anxiety so I can relate to that too. No suggestions from me, other than pp. I am trying to think of ways to value myself and the efforts I make and see whether I can push back responsibility for his own actions to him. It's hard though

OP, has it occurred to you that you, as a result of having to cope with so much for so long, might be suffering from stress related depression yourself? One of the key symptoms is no longer enjoying things you used to enjoy, and another is taking care of your appearance. For lots of people, a splash of water on their face and heading out is great, but if you enjoyed wearing makeup and can't be bothered now, it might be a sign that you are so worn down that anything beyond managing the the essentials is too much for you. You might want to go and have a chat with your GP in the first instance.