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Relationships

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Original poster

My long term partner still isn't divorced

47 replies

Hellohello16 · 07/02/2017 12:16

Hello! I know this topic is opinion, but I'd love to hear thoughts on whether I'm being silly, or genuinely have reason to be questioning everything.
So iv been with my partner 3 1/2 years.. he has been stepdad to my 4 year old for 3 1/2 years, basically taken over the job of her dad and loves her like his own.
He was married after 6 months of being with his partner (he was in the army.. they wanted a house. Betrayal and affairs on both parts from the start)
She was a friend although I use the term loosely, so when I got with him I never pushed for them to divorce I just let it run its course. He always said after the 2 years he would divorce her and here we are almost 4 years from there split and it still hasn't happened!! You wouldn't believe the amount of things have gotten in the way, his debts finally paid off, finally bought a printer, finally bought ink cartridges and paper for the printer, papers got sent back because the cost of a divorce had gone up, he wanted to split the cost but she won't pay, he had the wrong papers. Oh my the list is endless with issues of getting to where we are now. BUT we are planning on getting a mortgage this summer and somethings eating away at me because I feel like I'm not moving forward - he knows I would love him to get divorced (iv thrown conversations and comments in in the last 4 years).
One minute he's promising me he will finally get it sorted, and the next he jokes he'll get it done when she does it. Iv told him I don't want a marriage proposal anytime soon but I just can't understand that if he loves me why would he not want to be divorced?!? He's not one for emotion but I know he loves me and my daughter. My friends tell me to get on at him but I'm not one to get on at someone I know will just push him more, so I need to know if I'm being irrational or I have all rights to feel this way. Any thoughts greatly appreciated!!!!

OP posts:

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 07/02/2017 17:58

Both of us were technically married (long separated) when we met OP. We both got divorced just before DD arrived because we didn't want any complications, so it's not always a sordid tale as is being implied.
However PP are right that she has a lot of rights over your DP and his assets, so it's best to get it done sooner rather than later. Oh and my DP is ex army so I get why they got married.

P1nkP0ppy · 07/02/2017 17:58

Talk about making excuses
He certainly doesn't seem particularly keen to marry you does he? Perhaps the lack of commitment speaks volumes op.

AdaColeman · 07/02/2017 18:00

While he is married to her he can't marry you, I'd say he was just playing along with you.

Thank heaven's you have seen the light about not getting a mortgage with a married man.

Original poster

Hellohello16 · 07/02/2017 18:17

He has always said its just a peice of paper and means nothing. There marriage was a shambles it was a loveless relationship and a disaster from start to finish.
He wanted out the Army barracks. She was 18 and wanted to move away from home. SaorAlbaGuBrath your right it is common to marry under the circumstances.
We joke about it now and then, and although I have said I don't want a proposal, just a single man, he comments on marrying me one day. It's not an issue to him as it's obviously not visible.
We've been together 4 years in July, have lived together 3 years.
He rubs my feet, buys me flowers, and makes sure me and kiddie never go without.
I doubt he's even given his marriage situation as much thought as my mind has.

OP posts:

mouldycheesefan · 07/02/2017 18:22

He may buy you flowers but he's someone else's husband. And if anything happened to him you would have no rights and she would get all his assets. Flowers mean nothing in the eyes of the law. Start thinking practically

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 07/02/2017 18:26

I think you're right to push for him to divorce OP but I don't think given the circumstances you describe that there's any ulterior motive for him not divorcing, he just hasn't thought about it.

Graphista · 07/02/2017 18:31

My ex bought and still buys several women flowers - means nothing.

He's not making any commitment to you or your child in the eyes of the law. Depending what his role in the army is (and there's very few where this isn't the case) he's potentially leaving you open to being to all intents and purposes widowed without any of the financial or legal protections or benefits or even recognition as his partner. I've seen this happen it's awful.

Original poster

Hellohello16 · 07/02/2017 18:53

He left the army before they split up.

Thanks for all the comments!

SaorAlbaGuBrath - if you new him you would be sure that's exactly what it is.
Guess I wear my heart on my sleeve. The "law" has never been an issue.. until now, apparently.

OP posts:

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 07/02/2017 18:58

To be honest, it was never an issue for us either OP. I literally only got divorced because otherwise the law would assume XH was DDs dad and DP got divorced so we could own our home jointly. We're not married, it's fuck all to do with not being committed, we have kids together, we own a home together and we've built a life together. It makes no odds to us either way if we're married.

Minime85 · 07/02/2017 19:01

Hellohello I was you. My dp ex army too. I was in process of divorce when we met. He too made excuses in my mind and said it was just a piece of paper. Which to some extent I agree. However as time went on I felt very unhappy about it. He waited the two years and is now divorced. And it feels better. Reason I mention finances is he too had nothing to split or share. Couldn't afford or see need for consent order/clean break. With recent cases though in press and need for us to move forward together and saved money, applied on line but she won't sign paperwork saying she doesn't see the need. So now have an appointment to see solicitors to take it to court. So that's why I said get finances sorted. Once you have a house together that is classed as his asset. It is based on now not then. Be careful.

EweAreHere · 07/02/2017 19:07

Then tell him the £540 for a divorce is the price he has to pay for marrying for the wrong reasons. It's not going to get cheaper as time goes on, and his ex is clearly happy to wait him out.

Tell him to suck it up and get divorced so you two can move on with your lives.

If he won the lottery tomorrow, btw, she'd potentially be entitled to half. I imagine they don't have a formal legal separation. Inheritances? Windfalls? Her running up debts?

He needs to grow up.

Minime85 · 07/02/2017 19:16

Just to add I don't think it shows a lack of commitment. I just think it's in your interests to get it sorted for the legal side

Chinnygirl · 07/02/2017 19:23

I'dgive him an ultimatum. This is ridiculous. I'd question his commitment to you. He is still committed to his wife at this point.

Lunar1 · 07/02/2017 20:17

If he wanted a divorce £540 wouldn't stop him. He's gambling your future security for a relatively small amount of money.

Ellisandra · 07/02/2017 22:53

He didn't get into debt because of her - he chose to spend more than he could afford.

It's all very well saying a clean break would be easy. Not necessarily so easy. Does she have debts now? Sounds likely. Well, she can throw them into the mix. Fancy your boyfriend paying off half of her credit card for crap bought years after they split? And losing a chunk of his pension to her?

smellyboot · 07/02/2017 23:01

If he dies you will get nothing and the wife gets everything. That happened to some one I know. He owned the house and had kids with ex as well as new girlfriend. You have no security. He's legally a married man

Applesandpears23 · 07/02/2017 23:04

Tell him to get on with it as she may be entitled to half of whatever he has when they divorce not when they split. If he's saving money for a house with you the cost of the divorce may be increasing.

RockyBird · 07/02/2017 23:10

Everyone saying the joint property would count as a marital asset...not in my case (Scottish Law).

My ex's estranged wife had no claim on the property we owned together. My solicitor sorted the paperwork.

I binned him 9 months after moving in when I found out what his wife already knew, he was a twatbollocks extraordinaire and simply bought him out. If he'd died instead in an unexplained accident we'd know how watertight my legal eagle's paperwork was.

Mrskeats · 07/02/2017 23:24

It's not just a piece of paper. It's legal protection etc
Best excuse for no divorce I've heard. No printer ink.
I agree with the ultimatum but he doesn't sound a catch to me to be honest.
And definitely don't buy any property with a married man.

TENSHI · 08/02/2017 08:47

You can't force a man to marry you op, he simply does not want to marry you otherwise why the excuse after excuse?

By marrying you he'd give you rights to his pension and would have to take on the financial responsibility of you and your child.

I could never force someone to marry me which is what an ultimatum is.

He's played around before and so you know he's a cheat. All women who naiively believe a man who has cheated on a partner before won't cheat on them needs their heads banging together!

He is a cheat and does not want to marry you but is happy to buy you flowers and dote on your child and get a mortgage with you.

Why don't you listen to him? Believe him! He's telling you exactly who he is by words and actions.

By being unmarried he's free to have a fling if he wants to when things get boring with you.

This is your reality however much you don't want to believe it.

vardywelsh · 12/02/2017 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PollytheDolly · 12/02/2017 10:57

Take cover!!!!! Incoming...............

(Spell, my arse)

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