Another thread about inlaws!

[Weepingwillow90]

So the back story is this.

I've always been a very agreeable person. Someone who avoids conflict at every opportunity and probably puts up with too much at times.

Before becoming pregnant with DS1, I had a reasonably okay relationship with my inlaws. I was quite young to fall pregnant but happily married and with plenty of income between DH & I. The problems began when we didn't choose Dh's sister for godmother. Let's just say my inlaws were furious about the situation. Being the nod and agree type, I apologised profusely for the fact we had chosen my sibling instead. The next thing that started happening was mil buying us things for the baby. She bought us bedroom furniture for the baby, she picked it out online and said she'd buy us it. It wasn't to my taste and I felt a bit upset that she wasn't giving me a say but I tried to appreciate the fact she was trying to do us a favour. We could have afforded to buy our own but I didn't want to insult her. My mum took us out to buy the baby's pram and a few other bits and pieces and when we told FIL, he said that they had already bought us a pram and loads of other things but he'd just take it all back. That turned out to be a lie.

Then once baby arrived, they kept trying to force me to leave him with them. They didn't like the fact he was breastfed and needed his mum. I even heard MIL almost in tears about the fact she wanted him on her own and FIL was saying that "their time will come". MIL would frequently come over when I was holding DS and just lift him right out of my arms which really started to bug me.

Fast forward a year and as soon as DS was on the move, the interfering began. If I told DS not to touch something, they'd wait until I was out the room to take him over to said item. If I gave DS a timeout or anything, they'd be in the background saying "why are you giving him a timeout" and then shaking their heads and tutting. (For the record, I have a very calm, relaxed parenting technique and will use timeouts in a positive way to give DS time to think about a situation. He will sit for a minute and then we'll have a cuddle and a chat. We use them at times when DS is just a little hyper and he's always happy to go for a timeout, takes himself over to the timeout area himself etc).

Basically, as time has progressed I've become less agreeable. These are just a few examples but basically I'm completely fed up. If we spend a day out together. It's constant comments like "oh you poor thing you're hands are freezing, mummy needs to pop something warmer on you" on a summers day. "Oh you'll be far too hot with all those layers on" in the winter.

Once I put DS in the pushchair and he started crying not wanting to go in. They were both standing saying "we never had that with our boys, they never ever cried like that".

I've now got a second child and I just can't bare to be around my inlaws. It's just constant. I'm treated basically as if I'm just a vessel to carry their grandchildren. They don't respect me as a human or as a parent.
I've recently been diagnosed with a serious health condition and the only question they had for me was, "is this genetic?" Literally no care for me at all.

I don't want to be around them anymore. I can even feel my blood boil as soon as DH is on the phone to them. I just don't know how to maintain this relationship. DH and I have tried telling them but they just disregard it and carry on

That's been my worry. I also worry that come the teen years, when I know at times I'll have to be the bad guy, saying no they can't go to a certain party or something along those lines, I could see my inlaws reeling them in to find these things out and to manipulate situations. I stupidly opened up to them when I was very young about things with my mum. I thought I could trust them but how wrong I was. I worry my kids will make the same mistakes.

I'd just hate for it to be as if they all get on like a house on fire and there's me, sitting in the corner like a spare part.

I'd cut then out of your lives for a while. If they want contact then it WILL be on your terms or never again.

I am less of a doormat, it gets better with practice 😂

I think your should needs to stand up for you and tell his parents either they're nice and respect your parenting or they can bugger off

My ex old hated me - they'd slag me off to my dc, say 'oh you're just like your mum' to make it clear they weren't happy, used to send Christmas cards 'to our gc' & 'to our son' completely denying I existed. She would never ever stand up for me so I told him had to go. We were together 18 years. I think your dh needs to grow a set

I agree DH needs to spell it out to them again. And tell them that's the last time it's going to be discussed: they either change their ways or they say goodbye to any more visits.

I would have said my parents loved me and wanted to see their grandchildren, but when I drew a line, they were more concerned that I do as I was told (I was in my 40s) and so contact was broken...that was 18 years ago and they are still waiting for me to apologise for not doing as I was told. This tells me they are far more interested in being right and winning an argument than watching their two amazing grandchildren grow up - they've missed it all! And this despite several attempts at reconciliation.

I'm so sorry to hear that anothersadmum
At least you can hold your head high and know you tried.

Family life can be so stressful. I'm so happy with DH and our 2 children. Couldn't be happier, but the extended family situation is just too much

My friends MIL lived overseas
When her son was born she was around and saw the ban y shortly after birth. Later that week she wanted to visit again and as they were expecting a large group of friends that evening they suggested she visit the following morning
She took umbrage and went back to the us the next day and didn't see her only grandchild for 3/4 years
The only person who lost out was her ! Sad sad woman

I think what happened to me just shows that all the talk about how much they love you and how important family is and families must always stick together only applies when it suits them.

My dear late MIL was baffled by this behaviour and used to say "But of course your children sometimes hurt you as they find their way, but you love them so you want to see them and their families so you just put up with that." She couldn't think of anything that would make her choose not to see her children and grandchildren. She missed out on them because she died when DS was less than a year old :-(

He should be upset with his parents, not you. They are treating you poorly, not v.v.

Tell them his position is unacceptable. He tries again or he tells them you will no longer spend time with them, etc. He is their son. This is his job, frankly.

You need to do something about this.

I had the trying to grab my child out of my arms. I went fucking ballistic in the end. Simply turn your body away, ask, what the fuck are you doing and say firmly that is not OK, stop it.

Sometimes you need to put a shot across the bows. If they undermine your parenting, stop contact and tell them either they respect you as a parent or you won't take the risk of exposing your child to mixed messages. They are Arseholes and its time to defend yourself and command your place as Mum, which they are pushing you out of. If they complain, laugh and say Mummy knows best, mummies rules go, my child, I'm the mother, end of. Let them stew.

The partner is enmeshed with his parents and seeking their approval at the cost of his own family. He won't change. He's incapable. Go to out of the fog website and read toxic in laws by Susan forward. Reclaim your power and draw boundaries because your partner won't. He may have to go. Let him know that either you and kids come first not his family of origin's whims, or you will have no choice but to consider leaving as your children are being maltreated. Hugs.

I've been where you are, it is grim, feel free to decide to go NC for you and your kids unless your DH can sort them out. Don't put up with this any longer.

Hi OP, I've posted similar threads to yours. It seems our situation is not a one off but very common with MILs once their baby boy becomes a dad.

You can research my threads and it may give u some insight and helpful advice. (Beware a lot of trolling went on too)

The situation I'm not in: I do not allow any alone time with my kids to MIL. I'm done. She doesn't treat me with respect, we do not have a positive relationship and I see no change ever happening. I'm okay for her to come visit but only when OH is at home. I never call her or pick up her calls. You need to create a protection barrier around u. Let her behave how she wants, other people will start seeing it but whatever u do, keep ur head high, never reduce ur self to her level. Throughout last year after each visit I write an email to OH to tell him what was said or done that has upset me. I don't know what he does with this info as I have never received an apology but I can see that she is making a huge effort to behave when she visit knowing OH is there. Doesn't stop her playing games though, she does or say things that wind me up all the time but it's so hard to pull her up on it without causing drama or make myself look bad. So I take the high road.

She will never change so only option u have ( seeing as like my situation, I'm guessing NC is not possible) is to limit amount of time u spend together.

Where do they stay when they come and visit? U mention they say around for days. Limit the amount of time they visit for instance say u can visit for lunch or a few hours between 2 and 5.

Above all, be nice and keep it classy because MIL loves playing the victim and the martyr. She would relish any opportunity to make u look like a bad mum and a bad person. Don't give her the satisfaction.

Big hug x