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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Very worried about a friend and her children

47 replies

Mrskeats · 06/02/2017 00:29

I will have to be a bit vague so as not to be outed but I'm very worried about a friend and her children and I'm not sure what to do.
I have posted about the conditions that they live in before but yesterday when I called in I was told by her husband that she was in hospital with a suspected stroke and can't be contacted as her phone is out of battery.
Just before she tells me she has a long list of health problems now identified and has persuaded the doctor to release her (she's done this a few times before)
My concern is that her dp (he has his own issues) is still going away to work tomorrow as he always does. He works away Monday at Thursday
She says she's very weak on one side and can't drive and yet he is leaving her alone in the house with 4 kids one of whom is a baby. They have no local family and last time I saw her she looked dreadful. I think her dp is so irresponsible. She needs some looking after and not leaving alone. I can't take time off tomorrow to help and she's not sure how she's going to get the kids to school.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrskeats · 06/02/2017 23:43

Thanks prawn yes me too.
Friend has more tests tomorrow so will know more then.

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sammidanis · 06/02/2017 23:47

Your poor friend :( sounds like she has a lot going on. It does sound to me like her oh might have aspergers. If this is the case it explains a lot; the financial abuse could be down to him needing to feel in control and have order. The lack of empathy could be a generalised aspect of his condition. Op, I think before taking further steps you need to be a bit blunt with her about your concerns. She might be thinking 'I feel weak so I'm doing the best I can and that's okay' when in reality it isn't, now is the perfect opportunity to give her motivation to get the support she needs. I'd really push to try another cleaner - they're not all going to be like that, there will be ones that will be happy to help in anyway & get on with it. I'd also push her to find a relative to stay over for a few weeks to help. & lastly she needs a routine for her daily duties. Nothing extensive, just to help her get the basics done, and just finding things to help make her life easier for the time being- a regular online grocery shop, ready meals (not ideal but there are healthy ones & in the next few weeks could really help). A half hour of basic cleaning in the evening a long with prepping for the school days etc.

Original poster

Mrskeats · 06/02/2017 23:55

I was a bit blunt today then felt a bit bad.
I agree with the routine etc as how the children are living is not ok really.
He does require control and can't deal with the kids. If the baby cries he looks at him as though he's broken or something and he doesn't know what to do. This is after having 3 kids already.
It's sad. The eldest is 13 and has taken on a lot of the parent role as well.

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iamapixiebutnotaniceone · 06/02/2017 23:56

The children's school may be able to help a little, totally different situation but when I had my last daughter the school offered to arrange a parent helper to take my eldest to school and bring her home for me for a few days while we settled at home.

Original poster

Mrskeats · 07/02/2017 00:00

That's a thought iamapixie thanks

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sammidanis · 07/02/2017 00:14

Awww that is quite sad. Op, can I ask specifically which parental duties is she falling down on? Are her kids always fed, bathed & clothed? Is the house dirty or just cluttered? Is there an appropriate level of supervision for the children?

Original poster

Mrskeats · 07/02/2017 00:53

No the kids look dirty, their hair always looks filthy and the house is disgusting and cluttered.
No the kids aren't really supervised much. The neighbour found the little one of 5 outside at dusk playing on her own in the street.
I also think the are scared of their dads reaction to things. I was told by a neighbour that the little girl was locked into a bathroom because she wet herself.

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Ohdearducks · 07/02/2017 01:04

Have you heard of homestart? They may be able to help with volunteers coming to help her with the children give them a Google and see if they are in your area.

Original poster

Mrskeats · 07/02/2017 01:08

Thanks ohdear

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Prawnofthepatriarchy · 07/02/2017 01:13

YY about the cleaner. If the family can afford it that could make a lot of difference. You do get ones who only clean tidy houses but others will do whatever needs doing. Get one like that in for 8 hours and your friend won't know herself. Then keep it up with a couple of hours twice a week.

Indeed, money could solve quite a lot of the material issues. Have they savings they could use? This is, after all, a very rainy day. If she wasn't overwhelmed by practicalities your friend might cope with the rest.

Pinbasket · 07/02/2017 03:33

I think contacting the Gp urgently to explain the situation, and that she's discharged herself from hospital with no support at home would be the best way to go. They should do an urgent home visit- it's really important for stroke patients to get the therapy they need asap as it severely affects long term recovery. Your friend may not know this. They will also assess whether the kids are safe in that situation and will make a referral to SS if they're not happy. it will better for them to do this than you. The likely outcome of this would be for SS to contact the father and insist he comes home to care for the children, to avoid the children going into temporary foster care etc.

RaeofSun · 07/02/2017 06:44

I think you should contact your local safeguarding team. Tel no.. would be on the internet. Sounds like self neglect and neglect of the children.

You sound a lovely caring person.

RaeofSun · 07/02/2017 06:44

I think you should contact your local safeguarding team. Tel no.. would be on the internet. Sounds like self neglect and neglect of the children.

You sound a lovely caring person.

Velvian · 07/02/2017 06:53

I think you should contact social services. 4 children is a struggle without the additional problems you mention and i think you're right to think that neither the children or your friend are safe.

Notnownornever · 07/02/2017 07:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Mrskeats · 07/02/2017 07:27

Ok will ponder and make calls today.
Health visitor or some of the other services you have all mentioned could be the answer.
I think also she's a bit ashamed of the mess etc and isn't reaching out to her family. Although they are far away if this was my daughter I would drop everything to help. I hope tests today are ok. She has health problems but I'm hoping they aren't worse than feared. Thanks rae she's a nice person but struggling and her partner is just unable (partly unwilling?) to help.

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PandoraHatesTheBox · 07/02/2017 07:32

Be careful here. I used to have a friend exactly like this. Literally almost word for word. Long story short, it eventually turned out nothing except the neglect of the children was true. Illnesses exaggerated or completely faked, lies made up about car troubles, husband blamed for things he wasn't aware of....

It was terrifyingly easy to get sucked in to the web of lies.

I would report to SS.

UnbornMortificado · 07/02/2017 07:59

Mrs I would report to SS. I'm not usually a poster to suggest that either but it just doesn't sound like the children's needs are being met.

I've been ill in the past MH mostly but at the point where I've had to be hospitalised so not a minor problem. I'm really lucky that I've always had my parents close by who have took my children short term. If not and it got to the point your friends now at I would of rang SS myself.

Your friend sounds like she needs respite for her sake and her DC.

littledinaco · 07/02/2017 08:11

You sound lovely OP but the help you can give isn't sustainable.
The poor DC need things to fundamentally change and I'm not sure how you would do this without involving ss.

LotsOfAxolotlsAndOcelots · 07/02/2017 08:31

I was in a similar situation many times as a kid and I wish an outside agency had been involved if I'm honest. It amazes me looking back that me and my Dbro were left in the conditions we were and no-one did anything, not even the school. I do not agree with post implying that SS involvement is an appalling thing to do to a friend. Someone has to behave like an adult and with a conscience, often that isn't the parents.

Velvian · 07/02/2017 11:58

How's it going, OP?

Original poster

Mrskeats · 07/02/2017 12:04

No I know radical change is needed
Three eldest kids are at school and mum is in hospital with the little one having tests
I have also been told her childminder has said she wont have the children again as she used to take them to school a while ago
Will try and establish what's gone on there
I won't be giving up on those children don't worry.
I will bear what you say in mind pandora

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