I think my marriage is falling apart

[DauntlessDivergent]

N/c

We have been together 15 years married for 5. We have 3 dcs 11 4 and 1.

I've been so stressed lately trying to be a mum wife and student nurse. I am behind on everything coursework studying housework laundry. The house is a complete disaster. Small 2 bed flat with no room to swing a cat and no matter how much I tidy it just gets cluttered and cluttered. We have no money. I have been so unhappy lately. I want to move but we can't afford a mortgage. But i dont want to decorate this one because I hate it. But I also hate living in a shit hole.

DH just plods along. I thought he was quite happy with how things were he never seems bothered. He does the dishes every night. Tonight while doing them he was banging about I'm a right mood then said something like this house is going to give me a breakdown one day. I asked him what he meant by that then he started ranting oh so youre the only one with any emotions in this house youre the only one who is allowed to be upset. Then he stormed out and hasn't spoken to me since.

I know this sounds like a one off incident but it makes mw think that if he's so unhappy and I'm so unhappy we are going to end up apart. Every time I try to talk to him about things that make me unhappy he it ends in an argument him telling me I'm ungrateful for what we have (the dcs) and that I shouldn't live my life by other people's standards. Basically everything is fine and I have nothing to make me unhappy.

I would love to go to relationship councelling to see if that would get him listening to me. But we can't afford it and even if we could I don't think he'd go

Look at how you could make the space you have work better.

We made needing to stay in a two bed after we really outgrew it work for a while longer by giving the DCs both bedrooms to share between them and buying ourselves a (very comfortable) sofabed for the living room. Could that be an option? Give your eldest her own space and settle the two youngest in the other bedroom together. You and your DH regain some intimacy and he would get a more comfortable night's sleep than on an unmade up sofa. He does need that for work as much as you do for Uni.

If you don't think that's an option enlist the help of family to look after your DCs one weekend and you and your DH get decluttering and redecorating together.

Routine wise look at things like making sure your eldest gets some of her own time for homework, down time and space in their shared bedroom before your 4 year old goes to bed. Try and get your 1 year old settled in the cot now.

Appreciate what your DH does do. By the sounds of it he's hardworking and reliable, going to work to support you all while you work to qualify. He does help out in the evenings and look beyond the mess when he takes over with the DCs at the weekends, take advantage of that time to have a much needed lie in or to study.

Agree with pp who suggested going off to the library to gain the much needed peace,quiet and space you need for that.

You do need to get the debt under control before there would be any point looking at applying for a mortgage.

Things will get easier as your DCs get older and you qualify.

Cramped living quarters are stressful especially when there is so much going on.

I've become quite good at living in a small space with a family and I really advise you (seriously) to get rid of half your possessions. Seriously declutter/minimalise as much as you can. Prioritise space, order, everything has a home. You will all feel Less stressed, calmer, happier.

And try and get back into the same bed. Intimacy is about so much more than sex. I think if you all have so much going on it's easy to lose that nice connection between you in separate beds/rooms

Sorry didn't mean to turn it into a pity party. Just meant that I am a mum and a student and I don't get to be anything else. We have a few weddings coming up this year (at least 2 will be child free) so it will be nice it get a day away from uni and the kids and just have some time together. Hopefully things aren't any worse by then.

Also just a little add on about the sleeping situation. I don't ask DH to sleep on the couch our bed is bug enough for the 3 of us, he chooses to sleep on the couch. Also I would put her in the cot if he would share the wake ups but he won't get up during the night with her. I'm off for two weeks in may so I think I'll use that time to persevere with her in the cot.

I think you need to talk to him about taking his fair share of the night wake ups. What possible reason could he give for not doing this?

You say he chooses to sleep on the couch but that must be because he feels he'll get more sleep, maybe he's also trying to give you and your 1 year old more space. I wouldn't wait til May, a few up and down nights now persevering with the cot would be worth it.

Your DH is following the plan you agreed between you when discussing having a third child. He would support you all while you finish your course before you looked to buy.

Do discuss your finances and whatever you do don't miss any more repayments. That could scupper a mortgage application even in a couple of years time when you are earning too and your income's increased. The credit check will go back a few years and you need to show you're a reliable borrower. Meet at least the minimum repayments on time while you look at how you can tighten your belts further.

Plan could be short term manage where you are, medium term rent a larger property, longer term look to buy.