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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He hit me but can't remember.

51 replies

tellytowel · 05/02/2017 15:13

Ridiculous situation, also well over a year ago now but could do with another opinion!

It was the middle of the night, DS woke for a feed (bf) so i sat up to feed him. Doing this disturbed DH and he 'huffed and puffed' and rolled over. I said something like, 'Oh stop huffing, you know what im doing'. he said 'shut up', so i said, 'you shut up'. then he rolled towards me and punched me in the leg. Then rolled back and went back asleep. I cried a bit and then put DS back asleep and could barely speak to DH the next day. When he asked what was up, I explained what had happened in the night and he looked like he genuinely coudnt remember nor believe what had happened. he apologised profusely. I forgave him and nothing like this (ie physical) has happened since.

what would you think of this?

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 05/02/2017 15:59

If he truly felt guilty he'd apologise. He doesn't.

Original poster

tellytowel · 05/02/2017 16:02

DH apologised at the time it happened when i asked the next day.

OP posts:

MyheartbelongstoG · 05/02/2017 16:10

Oh, he remembers alright.

Blackbird82 · 05/02/2017 16:15

Oh it's all coming out now - nasty name calling......

I would say he definitely knew what he was doing and give it time, it will happen again.

He's an arsehole.

CreakyWitch · 05/02/2017 16:18

My dear gentle FIL used to kick and lash out at my MIL and on one occasion pushed her out of bed. He says he was dreaming about being attacked by the Japanese! Which is pretty bizarre considering he wasn't fit enough to serve in WW2 and ended up in the Home Guard so more Private Pike than Bridge on the River Kwai.

When told about it he was always very apologetic and embarrassed and it became somewhat of a family joke, but then there was nothing else in their relationship that suggested any problems.

Lemon12345 · 05/02/2017 16:24

I think it's difficult, because it's 'easy' for "I was asleep, I don't remember it, can't be held accountable" is a great excuse for something said or done when being woken... but it's just as easy for that to be true.

I've given DP some right bruises during the night, and I HONESTLY don't remember them. It's not often, less than a handful in well over a decade.
He's more of a sleep talker, and again doesn't remember.

It's one thing making a joke of it, such as my partner showing off his 'war wounds' and being a 'battered husbands' (not a great joke I know, but between friends and family who know us). But if he brought it up after I've already appologised and I thought it had been forgiven then yeah I would be upset that he's using it as something to have a go at me about, or something to make me feel bad. If he didn't accept my reasoning/apology then why didn't he say something then.

Yes he shouldn't of done it, I'm not convinced he wasn't awake and he sounds like a tosser in other ways too. But if you're going to talk to him then talk about the current stuff, not that 1 thing that happened a year ago and in his mind is done and dusted.

PollytheDolly · 05/02/2017 16:54

I think he had an angry moment half asleep. No excuse though but if it was a one-off, ok.

He does it again, smother him with a pillow when he falls back asleep.

I'm interested in these other issues? How long have you been together, etc

because that's not something easily forgotten.

Thattimeofyearagain · 05/02/2017 17:00

He shouldn't be annoyed at you bringing it up. But if he is calling you nasty names he is a twat.

RJnomore1 · 05/02/2017 17:06

Sorry I didn't mean to disappear - your thread really rings a bell and I'm sure someone posted similar if it wasn't you.

It would be impossible to know if he was awake or asleep reallybut the test for me would be how he reacted now to knowing it upset you - whether he was genuinely upset and reassured you or whether he was angry if you brought it up.

Original poster

tellytowel · 05/02/2017 19:02

Wouldnt be surprised to be honest but I genuinely don't remember - which is a shame as I'd love to go back and look. I do recognise your name RJ from other more recent threads on various name changes.

I may try and gently bring it up some time tonight or tomorrow and see the reaction. If he's remorseful still then I'll be satisfied.

OP posts:

sykadelic · 05/02/2017 19:06

I have a sleep disorder and end up sleep talking quite a lot. If DH wakes me by tossing and turning I'll typically say something like "are you done?!" in quite a mean way. I often make this noise too (DH says I sound like I'm hooting) as I'm trying to talk but not able to say full words.

With my ex though... I woke up with my clenched fist held in his hands just above his face (I had tried to punch him... hard!). I have a mild memory of it, more like a dream, so I know he wasn't lying. the look on his face was obvious it was real too.

So it's possible he doesn't remember it.

Also, the light sleeping on the couch is different to sleeping soundly in bed. He was on the couch to help so he was probably sleeping relatively lightly.

Why would you bring it up again out of interest? How does it relate to what's going on right now?

sykadelic · 05/02/2017 19:11

If you're planning on bringing it up, I'd look up the hereditary nature of sleep disorders. If he genuinely doesn't remember then it could be a type of sleep walking and it can be genetic so I'd mention it in a: "I read an article recently about how sleep walking/talking is hereditary. Do you remember that time you punched me hard in the leg?" and then wait for a response and say that you were thinking about whether you should keep an eye on DS in case he starts sleep walking.

My sister sleep talks AND only sleep walked the once, and as a kid (so it's possible to be rare). She went into our parents room and was looking for something. Her DD had a night terror but just the once. I haven't asked about anything since. I also am able to lucid dream (though I didn't know that's what it was until someone told me that it's not normal that I control replaying my dreams sometimes - for better endings - and I looked it up)

fuzzywuzzy · 05/02/2017 20:49

Boney OP has said they've hardly if ever spoken about the incident since.

I do think my dp would be understanding if I needed to discuss him hitting me, just to get the upset out he definitely would not be angry or fldefnesive about it when he hit me!

SheepyFun · 05/02/2017 20:59

My DH has a history of sleepwalking. One night he started moving around in his sleep and hit me across the face, waking me up. He didn't know he'd done it, but was profusely apologetic when I woke him up (by switching the light on) and told him. That's a normal reaction to being told you've hit someone (and he was just flailing around, he didn't punch me). We've solved the sleepwalking by having a small amount of light in the bedroom. Your DH really doesn't sound as though he was sleepwalking.

Original poster

tellytowel · 05/02/2017 21:01

It wasn't an accident though, he punched me as a reaction because he didn't like being old to shut up!

OP posts:

iremembericod · 05/02/2017 21:25

My ex used to deny hitting me, half asleep, too drunk etc.

He remembered everything about it.

As he admitted about 10 years later after we split up.

Original poster

tellytowel · 05/02/2017 21:55

He got defensive when i brought it up. Obviously.

OP posts:

Timeforteaplease · 05/02/2017 22:50

My DH has thumped me once in his sleep. Once in 20 years of marriage. He does not remember it. I believe him as there has never been any time in our marriage where I have felt even remotely threatened by him.

loveinasuitcase · 05/02/2017 23:58

My DH is always shouting and swearing in his sleep. I believe he is fighting with people. I just ignore it most times as I am very used to it now. He's been doing this since I started sleeping with him over 15 yrs ago. I can remember once or twice where I believe he pulled my hair a bit or once felt like he hit me in the back quite hard while we were sleeping. I woke him up and he said he didn't remember that but obviously as I was upset he apologised and cuddled me. I do believe he was asleep and as I know him to be aggressive with the shouting and swearing whilst asleep, I think it was down to his strange dreaming patterns. He's lovely man in the waking hours, never ever would hurt me or act aggressively towards me. Sometimes people are just very heavy sleepers or have strange tendencies whilst asleep.

HarmlessChap · 06/02/2017 01:07

Apparently, many years ago, my 1st long term GF tried to get into bed with me in the middle of the night, while I was staying at her mum's house, and I told her to fuck off and pushed her out of the bed.

Needless to say she was mighty pissed off and wouldn't speak to me the following day. When she finally told me why, I had no recollection, I apologised profusely but was baffled. Certainly as a horny teenager I didn't want to say or do that but as she has a history of sleepwalking she did forgive me.

I've not done anything like it in the 30 years since, so part of me does wonder if she dreamed it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/02/2017 04:48

There's no point talking about people who sleepwalk and similar. This man was awake, punched his wife and is pissed off when she brings it up.

Sorry OP. I'll be surprised if he doesn't escalate at some point. Please stay safe.

PandoNoPants · 06/02/2017 07:17

Sorry but this isn't good. He was awake and punched you! Also you mention other things have been happening including name calling.

Please remember this, the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE!

Iris65 · 06/02/2017 07:24

Sorry but this isn't good. He was awake and punched you! Also you mention other things have been happening including name calling. Please remember this, the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE!

Agree absolutely.

Original poster

tellytowel · 06/02/2017 07:32

Thanks all. The name calling is infrequent and we have spoken about it and agreed it ends so we will see.

OP posts:

oldbirdy · 06/02/2017 07:50

How do you people know if he was awake? My husband has interacted with me in his sleep. Never aggressively but he has had short conversations, including answering me. He has managed to have sex in his sleep; I only realised when he said 'I don't know who you are but I like you'! I think it is possible or plausible that he doesn't remember, or at the very least, assuming he is not normally physical, that there is some doubt. It simply isn't as clear cut as saying "he's a nasty gaslighting bastard". Btw op my husband is usually easy to wake. These episodes he has are unrelated to how heavily he sleeps normally. They happen more often if he is overtired or has had alcohol. I assume the first circumstance would fit.

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