Considering walking away from my parter and three children

[sad123]

I don't really know where to start, I am expecting some harsh opinions but I am ready to hear anything. My life is a mess and I hate myself for it.

Mum to 3 kids under 12, had my first at 16. All was great, I loved being a Mum, I stayed home and studied my partner worked. We also lost a son 22 weeks into the pregnancy.

My second child was premature and was in hospital for a long time. It was difficult being so young and then having a 3yo with SEN and a newborn in hospital. DP was always supportive and was there when I needed him. I was diagnosed with depression and this is where it all started to go downhill.

DP doesn't understand depression, doesn't think that anti depressants help, would quite often tell me just to pull myself together, get over it etc. It was hard but I battled through and eventually came off of the medication. That's when we had or third child. After he was born I could feel myself slipping and went to the Drs and they put me back on the medication. So what I am getting at is I have ongoing depression and have had for some time now.

Last year my dad died suddenly and I have been really struggling since. I've had my medication doubled but I'm really struggling to cope. I can barely drag myself out of bed at the weekends. I have a part time job that I love, but I dread coming home. I hate it here, I don't feel part of the family. I feel like I'm always the outsider, always the one to ruin the fun. I'm sure the kids hate me, they just completely ignore me most of the time and like I am not even there. I've got to the point where I feel like I am constantly fighting a losing battle, everything I ask them to do is met with a fight and I just can't do it anymore. Previously supportive DP never supports me and always goes against everything I say. Now my dad is gone I have nobody at all I can trust or talk to.

I have been looking on SpareRoom, I think the only way out of this is to just walk away but I know I'll be hated even more when I do. My mum left me when I was a child although she left because of an affair and I hate her for it.

I just don't know what to do but I can't live like this anymore

You won't get harsh opinions. You sound completely overwhelmed. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Your family won't be better off without you but you do sound like you need a break/regular time to yourself.

You really really really need bereavement counselling.

I had both parents die unexpectedly and I started to unravel. I was turning into someone wrong. Best thing I ever did. I was able to rant and rave and complain and cry and I got better.

You need counselling, you're not thinking straight. You can't leave your kids they'll hate you just like you hate your mum.

Don't make a flippant decision, talk to your DP about how you're feeling. You can only get him back on your side if you open up to him.

You've been through/are going through so much. Your Mum leaving when you were young, becoming a mother yourself at a very young age, losing a child, children with health problems, it's not surprising at all that it would all lead to depression, and then sudden bereavement on top of all that. Be kind to yourself. You say you're on medication - do you feel they help? (Never mind what your partner thinks, he's not taking them, it's not really any of his business). Is your GP supportive? Have you been through any secondary referral for your depression, or any talking therapy or counselling?

You don't sound like you actually want to leave your family - just that that is what you've come up with as a 'solution' to your current situation. Would it solve everything? Once you're sat in your rented room, how would you be feeling then?

I haven't had any counselling of any kind, I do think the medication helps because this time last year I couldn't even leave the house, its definitely combatted my anxiety but as I've said I'm still struggling to cope. I know I need to go back to the gp, I have private healthcare with my job so I might have a look at the details and see if I can get any counselling with that.

And you are right it is just a solution I have came up with and it's not very well thought through. I just think they'd all be better off without me.

You can get free bereavement counselling with this organisation

www.cruse.org.uk

Oh OP, .

Listen, everyone feels like walking out. EVERYONE at some point. And that's without the myriad of shit you've had to deal with.

Your DC's don't hate you. They take you for granted because you are their mum.

I have 3DC's and am traumatised from a couple of frankly awful events that have happened to me. I am a single parent and often think my DC's would he better off with their dad. I shout at them, I get irritated, I'm exhausted (got a FT job) I find parenting very very hard. I have contemplated suicide so that they can get away from me.

But do you know what I tell myself? It's the depression. The suicidal thoughts, the irritability, the shouting etc? It's the depression. It's not me. And it will pass. I have had CBT, psychotherapy, medication but the only thing that's helped is remembering in my darkest times that this is not permanent. You won't and don't always feel like this. Please, please don't do anything if make any decisions when you feel this down. Think about it again in a week, then think about it again a week after that and so on. Use time. Tell your DP you are thinking about this and that you are going to spend some time considering it. Often people who don't get depression have no idea about what is actually happening in your head. Make him aware. Do you think he will listen?

Your children don't hate you, and I don't think you really want to walk away from them and your dp.
It's not helpful of your dp to have a negative attitude on depression or the medication to treat it. He's not suffering with it so ignore him on that.
Sadly there's a lot of misconception regarding anti depressants.
Keep taking them and if you feel you need more help from your gp then so be it.
Bereavement counselling is very helpful. Bereavement is an on going process, you can't just 'snap out of it'. It takes time to process the loss.
You are still very young and have had such a lot to cope with, right from an early age it's no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed.

CBT is a helpful form of therapy for you.

Do you ever do activities with your DC without your DP?

Do you spend one on one time with them?

Try and build a better relationship with them. Children can be ungrateful, because they expect our unconditional love... Which is fine, but they also need to learn how to show appreciation for what their parents do.

Children can be ungrateful, because they expect our unconditional love... Which is fine, but they also need to learn how to show appreciation for what their parents do
^
This, in spades. Really feel for you OP, pretty sure we all have days where we think, fuck it-I can't do this anymore, I know I do. Please do seek out counselling, I really think it will help you.

Like the other replies, just sending lots of love. You're not a bad mom and I suspect if you walked you'd miss all four more than words can say. My mom left when I was little too and I carry that with me- will o turn out like her and repeat what she did? I won't but its always there...

When you go back to the GP I'd ask for a referral to a psychiatrist rather than just an upping of your meds. I had this through uni, increase and change and increase etc. In the end it was counselling that got me through. Definitely look into it through work or GP.

As for your partner, can someone have the kids for an hour or two so you can talk? Tell him how low you are, that you feel unloved and unsupported - not that you are but that you FEEL it. Talk about work life balance and free time and backing each other up on the parenting.

Please don't make any big decisions until you've really thought it out and done everything you can

Thank you all. I have spoken to my partner and he gets it a bit more now I think.

Yes I do spend time with them one to one, but I do find it really difficult.
I don't know if this is because of my relationship with my mum I kind of feel like I'm just making it up as I go along and never know if I am doing the right thing.

I am definitely going to look into some counselling tomorrow, I hate feeling like this, I know it's the depression but it's so tiring feeling like this all the time, I just want to be better and at the minute I don't see a way out

This is classic depression telling you a. your children don't want/like you and b. they would be better off without you. Actually, neither are true. Young children look up to their parents unless they're being badly abused. And they need your presence.

You should decide that now is the time to get this sorted with counselling alongside medication. At the very least, the counselling session allows you to let off steam and discuss how you deal with things. In addition it should start to ease things for you too and quite possibly change your life for the better.

Really great replies that I can't add anything to other than saying to you OP that I am really sorry you ar going through this. My personal experience is that I got better after feeling a similar way for a long time.

Would a family meeting be recommended? Or would that be too difficult to cope with? I don't have children, but I've heard of families who have a weekly meetings in order to air their grievances and to talk about what's going on in their lives. Tell me if I'm in cloud cuckoo land and talking a load of crap.

I hope you get the support you need to cope with everything that's going on.

I'll let you into a secret OP, that 'making it up as you go along' feeling, pretty much every parent feels like that and very few of us feel sure we're doing the right things with our kids. That said I do think some counselling is a great idea, most workplace healthcare schemes will cover some sessions but check out CRUSE too, have heard good things about their bereavement counselling.

You just sound to me as though you're being far too hard on yourself and, as other posters have said, that's totally the depression talking. Keep talking to your DP, the more you talk the better he will understand what you're going through and hopefully he will become that person you can trust and share your feelings with. Your family absolutely would not be better off without you and, once the depression is under control, I would bet you wouldn't be better off without them either. Sending love and a very un-mumsnetty hug, it can and will get better

Medication alone is not the answer, it may alleviate some of the symptoms but it's not treating the underlying causes. It's a sticking plaster really, helpful to a point but insufficient. Get yourself into therapy as a priority. Services vary wildly depending on where you live, you might only be offered 8 or so sessions of low intensity CBT which may not cut the mustard so private may be best, there may be low cost private counselling organisations locally to you. Your GP should have referred you when he upped your meds really 🙄

Oh, and Cruse aren't 'proper' counsellors and they have a long waiting list. I'd look for a proper therapist if I was you. Am happy to answer any questions you have as it can be a bit of minefield!

You have been through alot in the last year or so.

You need love and kindness and support ❤️ 🤗 🌺 What I see in your posts is so much sadness and guilt and judgement on yourself... which I get because I do it too, but you need to try and be kind and loving to yourself.

You are being amazing, to keep going with the pain you are feeling inside. You are being brave and strong and you should be proud of just being able to exist through this time. Really.

And you're hurting and not ok, which is completely rational and normal because you've had such loss and it's going to effect you.

It's ok to not be ok

So lots of gentleness and nurturing to you, you need it right now, of course you do. I'm glad that maybe your partner is 'getting it' a bit more.

I'm so glad you are going to go ask for counselling, it's such a good way to help you to heal.

I have counselling now for 'complex trauma' as they call it (grief and lots of other crappy stuff happening), and it's really helping me, though you have to find the right person for you, so it 'clicks' and you feel able to share stuff and they have good insight and engagement with you.

Good luck and remember to think some kind thoughts to yourself

Hi Sad123
I just wanted to echo the other posters on your thread. What you are feeling is a symptom of your depression. It makes you get stuck in spiraling negative thought cycles and heap blame, shame and guilt upon yourself. Your brain chemicals are magnifying every negative thing that happens (and you have had negative things happen to you) leading you to feel that there is no other answer but to leave.

Medication is part of the answer and it's good that you believe that it will work for you. However, it is only part of the puzzle, if you follow. Accessing counselling to help you understand and reflect on your thoughts and feelings, and having a 'safe space' to ventilate them is incredibly important as well. You do not have to pay for it all the time and you can also self refer in some cases. A quick google will throw up some counselling services in your area. You can go to CRUSE and have separate counselling for your depression at the same time if you want.

The other part of fighting depression is the social aspect, and you have already started on this path by letting your DP know how you are feeling. Is there anyone else in your life that you could share your thoughts with and get some emotional or practical support? I am sorry that you have recently lost your father, who you could speak with so much. If you have a friend to meet up with to do something nice that takes the focus of your kids and DP that's great, or look into doing something kind for yourself such as massage or even a walk in the woods, whatever you can think of to make yourself feel good. You are allowed to be selfish from time to time
Hope you can keep us updated.

I don't know if this is because of my relationship with my mum I kind of feel like I'm just making it up as I go along and never know if I am doing the right thing.

Everyone feels like that, at least some of the time.

Keep taking the medication if it helps, and get some form of therapy. I'm glad your DP seems to be understanding a bit more.
Go back to your GP if necessary ask for help.

ADs do help but you need more than that.

Think of ADs as a crutch if you've broken your leg. But you need to learn to walk again. Counselling with help with this.

No one is slating you for feeling this way. It's shit and you are now overwhelmed and need to escape. Perfectly understandable. One step at a time and you'll get there

Thank you for all your replies. I don't have anyone in real life my eldest is 12 and because of his SN we never do anything without him. DP is always home straight from work and helping with the kids and stuff. Then I start to feel negative about him and start thinking why would he want to be with me when I am like this?

This thread has given me a bit of confidence that there is a way out and getting some counselling will be the first step of a long road. I never tell DP anything I just bottle it up, I think I will make sure we have some time each day to talk about things too.

You need to find groups to support you with your son's SN. You may jnw all you need to know, but getting some moral support and respite is crucial. Lots of parents of children with SN have health and mental health issues because it is so easy to neglect self-care.

I'm really sorry you are having a very tough time.
Look back at everything you have gone through. Being abandoned by your mum is a huge deal and will have cast a long shadow over your life.
But look what you have achieved. A supportive DP and 3 amazing DC whom you brought into the world.
You're a survivor.
You are strong.
Your DC love you no matter what.
Focus on one day at a time. You're doing a great job, everyone has doubts that they might not be.
Previous posters are right. It won't always be like this.
Try searching the internet for coping mechanisms and how to lower your cortisol levels.
If you are desperate phone your local mental health crisis team.