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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't fancy OH any more :(

18 replies

PhyllisStein89 · 05/02/2017 00:20

I can barely fault him. We've had our problems but we've worked through them and things are much better now than they have been for ages.
We had DS 22 months ago and I didn't have a sex drive for a really long time afterwards. It's gradually come back but we barely ever dtd and it's not because of my lack of sex drive generally any more, it's because I don't fancy OH.
He's always been quite overweight but I've started to find it more and more unattractive.
I'm bigger than I was when we first got together as well, but have been trying to lose weight since having DS. I've asked DH to help me out with my diet by watching what he eats as well but he doesn't want to.
He's snapped at me for mentioning it too often and told me I'm getting obsessed with dieting but that he shouldn't have to and that he doesn't care.
I just don't know what to do I really can't see us having a good physical relationship again. I don't want to break up our family and he's a great partner and dad in lots of ways. But I don't think we have a fulfilling enough relationship

OP posts:

DJKKSlider · 05/02/2017 00:24

Well he's right isn't he? He doesn't have too.

But...
You don't have to stay with him either. Being woith someone you don't find physically attractive cn o ly lead to resentment real!y, or you'll end up as room mates instead of partners.

Personally, I'd suggest spelling it out to him in clear terms. You've tried the subtle way, it didn't work. I don't know what other option there is?

TheStoic · 05/02/2017 00:29

Have you told him you don't find him attractive and don't want to have sex with him?

He doesn't seem to have a problem telling you how he feels.

SandyY2K · 05/02/2017 00:31

I really can't see us having a good physical relationship again.

I don't want to break up our family

I don't think we have a fulfilling enough relationship.

These three statements don't go hand in hand and something has to give.

You either stay in an unsatisfying relationship for the sake of being together or leave. I know it's not quite so simple, but if your libido rises and he doesn't get you going, your mind (and body), may start to wander.

Does he like being overweight? Has he ever talked about wanting to loose weight? Could you mention the health risks of being overweight and hope it would motivate him?

Does he approach you for sex?

RacoonBandit · 05/02/2017 00:33

How over weight is he?

When you were bigger did he try to put you on a diet or tell you he didnt fancy you?

Original poster

PhyllisStein89 · 05/02/2017 01:01

racoon no he didn't ever make me feel bad about gaining weight, which makes me feel like I'm being really unfair on him now. He did turn me down for sex a lot though, until DS came along and then my libido became non-existent.
sandy he did approach me for sex a bit but got fed up of being turned down so now mainly leaves it up to me.
He's said in several occasions that he's unhappy being overweight and he won't come swimming with DS and me because he's embarrassed. I've mentioned the health risks in the past and said how nice it would be if he felt confident to come swimming with us.
A few days ago I did explain that I'd be more attracted to him if he was a bit slimmer. He joined the gym after that and tried cutting carbs out for a day or two. But seems to have gone back into his bad habits.
I asked him gently if we could diet together and do a meal plan together earlier this evening and he had a big go at me for "micro managing him".

OP posts:

RacoonBandit · 05/02/2017 01:13

So he never complained about your weight gain.
How do you think you would have felt if he had?

InTheMoodForLove · 05/02/2017 03:08

I asked him gently if we could diet together and do a meal plan together earlier this evening and he had a big go at me for "micro managing him"

if just the idea of dieting upset him and makes him feel anxious to the point he has a go at you, it sounds as if he may be compulsively overeating

should get some help / speak to the GP

KoalaDownUnder · 05/02/2017 03:18

This is a difficult one.

Someone will be along soon to slam you for being 'shallow', but I don't think you are. If I'm brutally honest, I do not find very overweight men sexually attractive. I might still love and adore my partner as a person, but the physical attraction would wane.

I'm not sure how you should handle this, though.

Mils45 · 05/02/2017 06:51

You told him and he joined gym, bless him!!!

Have either of you been into health and fitness before? A lot of people (and sounds like your OH) don't even know where to start and what to do. Of course cutting out carbs isn't going to last. And does he even like the gym?

Who does the shopping and cooking? Instead of discussing dieting, could you just take charge of this instead so he doesn't have a choice unless he does it himself? Doesn't have to be drastic diet either but just less of bad more of good, and do eat carbs. I can't have bad food in my house otherwise I eat.

Maybe once he been eating healthy for a few weeks and loses a little he may feel more up for trying exercise. and hopefully picks something he enjoys?

Being larger and non active currently he should get results quite quickly

Spam2016 · 05/02/2017 08:28

Phillis sad to read your post as I have been there and currently on second round of counselling because of feelings towards my dh
Similar situation dh wonderful father husband etc
I found myself listening and reading lots in despair - yes people are quick to judge that I want something that's not out there , having a midlife grass is greener etc but until you are in the situation people never know
I spent years of avoiding sex with my dh
I can't bear now what I am doing to him but my unhappiness was brushing off on dc s and my life
I spent years of burying feelings due to stresses with two SN dh
I had an emotional affair at work , unhappy going home wanting to have a physical affair was what made me go to counselling again

it's taken until now to realise I have lost the emotional connection with dh - not sure it was always there I married my best friend really

I don't want to influence you but all I can say is don't feel guilty feeling like this (counselling is allowing me to finally voice and permit myself to feel like this)
Defo discuss with your dh
Get counselling if you can so if you are ever in my horrendous situation of likely to be breaking up you will know you tried
Maybe by permitting yourself to feel like this early on you can save your marriage
Best of luck I really do understand how awful it is to start finally admitting these feelings xxxx

TheNaze73 · 05/02/2017 13:53

I think people are being a bit harsh on you OP. Nobody knows exactly what the scientific formula is to have the "grrrr" factor for another individual but, if he's that obese & you don't fancy him, you can't force it

Original poster

PhyllisStein89 · 06/02/2017 07:29

Thank you all so much for your helpful comments.
I'm on a waiting list to see a therapist so hopefully that will help me to get an idea of what direction I should take.
In the meantime I'm hoping that the more OH sees me going to the gym, getting fitter and losing weight, the more he will feel inclined to do the same.
He's not disgustingly fat at all, he's always been on the chubby side but now he's got obvious love handles and a bit of an overhanging belly. But then again I'm not nearly as slim as I once was either.

OP posts:

Cakingbad · 06/02/2017 07:37

If you've both been chubby before, are you sure the weight is the issue? Do you want to fancy him again? If so, could you forget about the weight loss and start planning an active holiday together or think about going together to a sex therapist.

Biggoals17 · 06/02/2017 08:13

Do you love him?
Are you in love with him?
Is it worth the work?
Those are the three questions you need to ask yourself here

picklemepopcorn · 06/02/2017 08:17

I don't know a lot about it, but many people are superficially unattractive but still find mates. Don't you think there is more to 'fancying' someone than the way they look? Something else is making him unattractive to you, not just his love handles.

mrmanc · 06/02/2017 09:17

How many of the three do we need a yes for? 3 of 3 seems quite a high bar, no?

Original poster

PhyllisStein89 · 11/02/2017 00:05

spam thank you so much for sharing and I really hope you can deal with your similar issues in the best way for you and your family.
It's not entirely the weight issue that's the problem. There have always been various reasons I'm dissatisfied with the relationship but in the past our sex life was so good that it kind of kept the bond.
Since having DS 22 months ago we've had sex maybe 5 times. I thought it was my lack of libido due to hormones etc but now I feel like I'd be more up for it it just not with him
Biggoals Yes I do love him, no I don't think I'm really in love with him any more and yes I think it is worth working at but tbh if we didn't have DS I don't think it would be.

OP posts:

SleepingTiger · 11/02/2017 00:15

Haven't read the full thread. Feel lighter if I don't.

Just have to observe that you were never that in love, fulfilled by him in the first place. Go your own way but put your children first. Both goals are compatible.

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