I am so so unhappy I really hate my life right now because of how miserable I am every day. I'm 24, two kids (aged 4 & 19 months), own my own house. Been with partner since I was 15, so coming up to 10 years this year. My feelings towards him have never changed, I think I still love him like I did at school. We are both the same age. We had our 1st son unplanned when we were 19, bought a house at 21 then had another child when we were 22.
He cheated on me with someone 2 months after we bought our first house. Did the whole script "I'm not in love with you anymore" etcetc. Long story short I found out it was someone else a few weeks later and he came crawling back asking to give it another go. I said yes. We rebuilt our relationship, had second Ds and he eventually proposed last May. We looked at some venues. Few months down the line he was emotionally distant again. I asked and asked him so many times if there was someone else - he insisted there wasn't. He never went anywhere for there to be anyone else apart from work. I felt so unloved, I signed up to a dating website (why, I have no idea, no excuse I'm a bad person and regret this so so much). I got talking to a guy and told him I was single. How stupid. My other half snooped on my phone and seen it. Safe to say he was absolutely heart broken. This was last August. He stayed around and I thought we had dealt with it.. But no something was still missing for me and he was emotionally distant. Again I asked him if someone else - he denied it.
We had our sons christening coming up in the September and I knew as soon as it was done with he would leave. Surprise, one week later after the christening he said he doesn't think he loves me anymore, sick of the arguing and is leaving. I looked at his phone bill and long story short he had been texting another woman from work AFTER he finished it with me. I was/am broken. I did the pick me dance, begged him, he didn't want to know. He lived at his moms for 2/3 months. I went down to 8 stone 2. I ended up texting her telling her what she had done and she had destroyed our family (I know he's to blame). She told me she wasn't interested in him. So Christmas was coming up and I asked him if he could give it another go for us all. He said he will try. He moved back in, I thought things were getting on ok, he was up and down. Then one Saturday 2 weeks before Xmas, he was going to work then straight to a football game. For some unknown reason my gut told me something was not right by the way he was dressed and the coat he was wearing. he told me he was going to work, then to his mates house in area XXX, then to the football. Something was not sitting right with me. So I tracked his phone after work (yeah I know I expect to get abuse for this too, I tracked him which is wrong), and he wasn't in the area he said he was. So I text him asking him how it was going and asking where he was. He lied. He then went to the football game and then ended back up at the same address again for 2 hours. He called me on his way home saying he was on his way bk from XXX area (lied again). I said are you now? And he said "yeah what's with all these questions". That was the night of my work Xmas do, so I couldn't even drive up there, otherwise I would of. After my Xmas do I went home, and he was cuddling me, I told him to get off and that I knew he had been with the OW from work. He came clean, cried and said he's sorry but he thinks he LOVES her. I asked him why he came back to me, he said because it was the easier thing to do and he wanted to get through Xmas.
That night I died inside, 10 years thrown away. I asked him to leave, he stayed at his moms a few nights then came back and we stopped in seperate rooms. We got through Xmas, argued every night about it. After Xmas I asked him how he feels about OW, he said he was confused and thought he loved her but he doesn't and still doesn't know how he feels about us. Some how, a month on, he is still living in our home, stopping in my bed, yet coming home up and down, miserable as sin, no affection at all unless he wants sex. This is not the man I used to know. I've sat down and spoke to him and asked him what is going on his head, he said he's trying to make it work in his own way. I gave him an ultimatum few nights ago, I said the job or us. He come home today saying he had emailed his CV to himself and will apply tomorrow but is miserable in this house and that I'm trying to control his life.
So, I know I should leave him, he has clearly checked out emotionally yet sometimes gives me affection. When he doesn't I break down. I just can't seem to gather the strength to be on my own. I don't want to live here on my own. I cry every day. I have no interests or hobbies. I work two days a week and supposed to be at uni the other days but can't face it (it's my final year too). We've only ever been with each other but it never bothered me. Please tell me how you get strength to carry on because I wish I wasn't here - the only thing that stops me is my beautiful baby boys who deserve so much more than this. P.s. He is probably out 4-5 evenings a week for 2 hours doing his fucking hobbies. Football Sunday mornings, pub Sunday evening with his mom (occasionally me and kids will go when I can be bothered), then squash with a mutual school friend who picks him up probably 2 times a week, then football on a Thursday evening for a hour. It's left to me to put kids to bed. My mental health is shot. I'm just looking for hope and guidence on here because for some reason I just can't let him go.