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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

About to make the jump...

24 replies

KindOfABigDealOnTwitter · 03/02/2017 16:33

So to cut a long story short, I have been suffering emotional abuse from my husband of 4 years, and I am currently packing to go and stay with my family 400 miles away. Could be temporary, could be the first step in actually leaving...

The classic symptoms - we met and married very quickly, too good to be true, promises etc. 4 years and 2 young children later and it has been a drip feed effect of mood swings, lies (small and big), bullying, silent treatment, isolation and a few more major incidents. To the point where I now no longer recognise myself. The classic walking on eggshells in case something sets him off.

A lightbulb went on a few months ago after a nasty incident (he pushed me while I was feeding the baby, crossing a line he'd not crossed before) and I started to think about leaving. The more I thought about it and the more research I did into emotional abuse, the more it felt like the right thing to do in my heart of hearts. Problem is, we now live in Scotland and my family are over 400 miles away down south. I have no one up here except his family as I have been busy having babies, and I want to go home to my support network. I have been offered the perfect part time job there, and I just know I will feel like a weight has lifted and like ME again! Happy mummy, happy kids, right?

But the guilt!! Of breaking up our family (he is not a bad dad although I do most of the childcare etc), and of taking them so far away. Also he is diagnosed with depression (and blames his behaviour on that) and has threatened suicide if we leave. He knows I want to leave and has been SUPER nice the last week or so, which has really thrown me. Swears he'll change, the treatment is starting to work now etc etc.
I have got legal advice, and legally I am ok to move, but I am struggling so much with the guilt!! We will drive up and down and see each other as much as possible, there's no way I'd deny him access, but I know his relationship with kids will change and he will be miserable.

I guess I'm just fishing for support here? But the fact that my support network is so far away is the real killer. And surely I'm better to go while kids are so young and not in school yet? Can anyone relate at all?

OP posts:

Sassypants82 · 03/02/2017 16:38

Can't relate but can definitely say you're doing the right thing. If you stay, everyone is miserable & the kids grow up in a toxic environment. If you go, he'll be miserable, for a while until he accepts it & moves on. The kids will have a fighting chance & you will to. Go. Don't sacrifice yourself & your kids for an abuser.

Sassypants82 · 03/02/2017 16:38

You will too**

Mrskeats · 03/02/2017 16:42

I say go for it.
I was in an abusive relationship for a while and life is too short.
I don't believe that depression causes you to push someone especially whilst holding a baby!
It's great you have a support system and a job offer. I would take it.
You are not responsible for his happiness. You have to put you and your children first. It won't be good for them to see you in an unhappy relationship

Boostbaby · 03/02/2017 16:55

The exact same thing happened to me and I was living in Scotland like you too with all my family down south.

Anyway cut long story short, I did leave my husband. He had all sorts of issues and your post resonated with my own sorry situation. I also had a child with him too. For me however, having the child with him made it somehow easier to leave. And I did. And it was the best thing I ever did.

I moved straight back down here again and a few years later, remarried again.

There is light at the end of the tunnel and if you feel brave enough, do it now, dont do it when your children are older. You wont regret leaving someone who makes you feel as if you have to walk on eggshells all the time. Thats no way to live and in my experience, people dont/can't really change the way they are.

Let me know how you get on.

Adora10 · 03/02/2017 16:58

he is not a bad dad

He's not good either, pushing you when you have a baby in your arms is utterly disgusting, so no, don't feel guilty, he should, not you!

mood swings, lies (small and big), bullying, silent treatment, isolation and a few more major incidents. To the point where I now no longer recognise myself. The classic walking on eggshells in case something sets him off.

And you want to raise your children in this atmosphere why?

Go, asap!

Original poster

KindOfABigDealOnTwitter · 04/02/2017 09:08

Thanks all. I'm at my dad's after a long drive last night. Here at least a couple of weeks and hoping the distance (physical and emotional) will give me some perspective.
I guess it's the jekyll/hyde thing that gets me as he can be nice!
Boostbaby, does your ex see your child? How does that work? X

OP posts:

Creampastry · 04/02/2017 09:11

You've gone down south? Well done, good for you. Stay strong.

Original poster

KindOfABigDealOnTwitter · 04/02/2017 09:31

Thanks creampastry. Dad's house is not exactly babyproof but i'm HOME :)

OP posts:

Enough101 · 04/02/2017 09:36

Wow. Well done to you! Be careful now, he will promise you the world for you to go back. I am sure his behaviour was causing you to feel depressed but you didn't give him the silent treatment. I was in the same situation but he is still here, even though we have split, but it will be over soon. When he realises that you mean business, he may well get very nasty. Of course he can be nice, otherwise you wouldn't have stayed as long as you did. I, like you, just couldn't recognise myself anymore. I went from being bubbly and outgoing to a shadow of myself. I have done it mainly for my kids, you don't want them turning out like that or accepting that from someone else when they grow up. You will be less distracted because you won't have to second guess what his reaction will be to anything you say and your kids will reap the benefits of that. Well done and good luck.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 04/02/2017 11:24

Was in exactly your place 7 years ago. Hardest decision I've ever made, but ultimately the best one.

My deciding moment was after I'd returned from a fantastic week 'at home' with my family and he started on me as soon as I got in the front door. Wish I'd stayed at my parents (which my solicitor told me I could have!)

It's a huge decision. And no doubt you will be feeling guilty for the rest of your life with the kids - I know I do, every day. But will they be better off with parents who are together in an abusive relationship or with a mum who is free to be happy?

jeaux90 · 04/02/2017 11:27

Well done! Don't look back.
Whilst you are at your dads go get some legal advice too, it might help settle your mind.
Xxx

Original poster

KindOfABigDealOnTwitter · 04/02/2017 11:31

Thank you. I am going back up in a couple of weeks for baby's first birthday. So hoping I can get some (more) strength together before that. It helps that I have admitted it to people and can talk about it more, but so hard to explain you know? If I can sort out my benefits etc then it makes it more official too, even if H thinks this is temporary while he fixes his 'depression' then I need to do it by the book if not living together. Baby steps!

OP posts:

RaeofSun · 04/02/2017 11:32

The fact you immediately feel you're HOME speaks volumes. Deep down I think you know you're doing the right thing for your children and yourself and you will become YOU again very quickly I'm sure. Good Luck OP and stay strong and enjoy your family and support network and relax.

RandomMess · 04/02/2017 11:34

Do not go back, if he is desperate to make it work yadda yadda he can find a new job, relocate nearby and but in a good few years of work proving how he's changed

RaeofSun · 04/02/2017 11:34

Can you get a regional flight for baby's birthday visit to save the long drive with the DC?

RaeofSun · 04/02/2017 11:35

Actually why can't H visit you for baby's birthday? [hmmm]

gamerchick · 04/02/2017 11:39

Better off doing it while the kids are still young. The older they get the more damages it causes them... Which lasts well into their life. Don't feel a scrap of guilt.

Graphista · 04/02/2017 11:50

In practical terms makes more sense for him to come to you for baby's birthday than you and kids head north.

I can relate insofar as I've moved hundreds of miles away from ex (in opposite direction I'm now in Scotland) I got loads of grief at first for 'taking my dd away from me' but he's army and can be sent almost anywhere in world anyway and even if we'd stayed where we were he's now been stationed hundreds of miles away from THERE! We split due to his cheating but AFTER the split I realised he was very controlling and borderline abusive too.

You're absolutely doing the right thing. Stay where you are, take the job.

Original poster

KindOfABigDealOnTwitter · 04/02/2017 12:03

Actually my friends are all having a get together tonight with their kids, who my kids don't know, and I'm going to surprise them by turning up as only my best friend knows i'm here.
Need to pick up much more stuff from Scotland so hence the drive back, although a flight is very tempting as can always get more stuff another time...hmm... X

OP posts:

RaeofSun · 04/02/2017 12:08

Fly and box up and courier your stuff back ... is that an option? Or cope with minimal stuff until you're feeling stronger and then have a family.member drive with you to share driving, help with DC, help pack and give moral support.

RaeofSun · 04/02/2017 12:24

Have a great evening. I can imagine how thrilled everyone will be. I loved surprising my old friends when I had moved away.

Boostbaby · 04/02/2017 13:40

Hi again,

No my ex husband was a useless father as well and never saw our son again, apart from once when I was literally passing his door and my son was curious to meet his biological dad. That was the only reason why I arranged it.

Best thing I did was leaving.

Original poster

KindOfABigDealOnTwitter · 04/02/2017 14:05

I feel like a bit of a fraud as I'm only supposed to be going for a break! But it is the beginning of the end... My dad is quite upset as him and my mum are divorced and he is worried about the kids. But H has been on the phone to him crying and saying god knows what. And I've not even spoken to him properly yet, although he knows most of it. And I still have to tell the rest of my family some of whom think we are 'just as bad as eachother' because of the way H has twisted things so I look bad

OP posts:

Naicehamshop · 04/02/2017 17:11

People who really know you won't think that you are "as bad as each other". Even if they do, so what?

Don't go back to someone who is physically abusive - things will only get worse.

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