I'm not sure why I am posting. I know what the answer needs to be - I just need to process it. I also know I contributed to this situation.
I've been married for 14 years - we muddle through, both working and raising children. Usual ups and downs. H is good with DC, we share money equally. Generally helpful around the house. Main bone of contention is the effing gym, as it's now known.
Tuesday night H said he was going to bed at 10pm. I said I would be up in 1/2 an hour as the programme I was watching would be over then. DD came down feeling unwell, and I dealt with her, then went up to bed at 10.45.
Bedroom was in darkness, and I whispered if I could switch on my side light - I couldn't find my pyjamas. DH grunted. As soon as I switched on the light, H got really angry and started shouting that he was asleep, and to switch the light out. I explained I was just getting my pyjamas and would switch it out in a moment. He kept shouting, again and again. Then he called me a cunt.
For a bit of background, if I go up to bed first, I will usually keep a side light on for DH so he can see when he comes up to bed. DH often goes up to bed first, and will spend time reading on the iPad - even after I have come up and started to go to sleep. He also has form for being passive aggressive about bed-time. He will often go up first, read the iPad, but when he hears me on the stairs, switches out the lights and pretends to be asleep. I know because I can see the light on in the room, but by the time I have washed my teeth the room will be in darkness and he is pretending to sleep.
After he called me a cunt things got heated. I said to him how dare he call me a cunt, and threw my phone in his general direction - it missed. I was wrong, I know, but I couldn't believe I was having abuse screamed at me for daring to try to find my pyjamas. DH turned round and lashed out at me, striking me on my breast. He screamed at me 'If I fight you, you will lose.' He said it a couple of times, in a really venomous manner. I said to him 'what are you talking about?'.
I thought he was about to beat me up. He is significantly stronger than I am, and I have an extremely unstable neck which I get regular physio for, and am in constant pain. It severely limits my activities.
I told him I wasn't prepared to sleep in the same bed as him, and told him to leave to go to the spare room. He left the bedroom, but I could hear him prowling about the house. I was absolutely terrified, and lay in bed listening to him moving around. I had my mobile in my hand with 99 dialled in, so that I just needed to dial another 9 if needed. He came into the room a few times, and I pretended I was reading on my phone. I was shaking inside, but didn't want to show it.
He came in again and apologised and said he was really angry because I had woken him up. I pointed out that I leave the light on for him all the time, and that he reads on the iPad when I am trying to sleep. He just said he was really angry because I had woken him up.
I haven't spoken to him since then. I worked late yesterday to try to avoid him, and he is away on business for the next two days. I feel as if a line has been crossed that we can't go back from. I feel completely empty inside, with a constant lump in my throat and behind my eyes.
In the time we have known each other he has been violent to me once or twice.
I don't want to disrupt my children's lives - my parents divorced and it was horrible. But nor can I see a way that I can forget about this and move on. I really just don't know what to do.