How to stop fu***** up every relationship and self-sabotage? Anxiety help needed...

[sweetlifeforme]

Long post trigger - have no one to talk to about it in real life, as everyone I know is happily paired/married and can listen but cannot really know what it is like...

I need help... realised today that I might have some serious anxiety problem, I feel like I am falling apart and overwhelming fear that things will go wrong is eating me up. Didn't sleep last night, haven;t eaten since yesterday, I have a sick child at home and cannot even focus on taking care of her...

Background: separated 4 years ago due to narcissistic husband cheating, coming back and away a couple of times, and messing me up every now and then, I haven’t had serious relationship since then. A couple of meaningless flings, 2 fwb, all ended. Only once met a guy who I thought I might become serious with, but he withdrew after 2 months of great dates and washing me with affection and decided ‘it’s not for him’ – wrote about it here under a different username name.

Most of the time I was totally on my own, I am not constantly looking for a man and I can be alone... there were times when I wouldn't date or have sex for 2 years, and then for 1 year, Things were better in terms being more peaceful but the longer it all takes, the more unloved and lonely I feel. I am very independent in life, usually deal great with all... people often compliment me how well I manage as a single mum. I have friends and interests etc. so it's not like I am useless or desperate for a relationship. There are so many moments in life when I am happy, laughing and all seems to be good. I have it all, really... apart from someone I could love and who would love me.

I have had counselling in the past, was taking antidepressants, generally got all the help possible and it improved things for some time.

Now… 2 months ago I met someone online, great connection, great attraction. Guy seems to be really decent. Sadly, lives 200 miles away and it took us a long time before we could actually meet, due to work and family commitments. He knew straight away about my past and insecurities and was the first person ever who I genuinely thought was interested in me DESPITE them, and didn’t seem to be discouraged by it, he still was very much into me and couldn’t wait to meet.

Before we met, we both said we are open for possibilities but still we knew it’s better to keep things at the right pace, so it all makes sense. Yet our chats at times were very intense, we tried to control it but it was so hard as we obviously both have that need of loving someone. It shifted fairly quickly from flirty chats to talking every day about what we do, what we want, what we need… our past and our dreams and our goals etc. We knew we are heading straight for some sort of catastrophe as it was just too intense at times, but we couldn’t resist. Finally we met up, he came over and stayed for 2 nights… and it was the best 2 days of my life… never ever anyone in my life treated me with such a respect. Passion, great sex, common interests, wonderful chats – yes, all that too…. But mostly great connection and me thinking he might be the one. And! All still very down to earth, not some romantic bullshit, just genuine fun and connection.

Now… I cannot control myself after him going home to his life. He lives 200 miles away… 4hrs drive/train, quite pricey to meet more often than once every 2 weeks. We spoke about it all and decided that we need to limit our online chats so it all has now that normal pace. He definitely wants to meet again, says he loved our time together… we already made plans to meet in 3 weeks, he invited me over to his. Distance between us seems to be the biggest problem, although he works from home and could come to stay with me now and then… I offered it and initially he said yes, he will come here for a couple of days and will work from here while I do my stuff, and we have evenings for each other, but later he invited me back to his instead, just for 2 days.
At the same time he said that we ‘don’t know at this stage what will happen yet, but as time goes, it will be easier to make decisions’.

My problem…. I already feel like I fucked this up, or that he is already cooling off…. Only because I’ve experienced it all in the past…. And it makes me feel like an insecure freak, who would want some sort of declaration here and now which is obviously STUPID and I don’t really want ir or expect it, it’s just my mind and emotions playing tricks on me!

I do realise how ridiculous it sounds, I know I need to keep it light and fun and happy at this stage if it is to work…. It’s way too early for talking or even thinking about commitment. But somehow I have that overwhelming fear that I will lose him… someone who could be just perfect for me.

To make things worse my work situation is very hard at the moment… I will probably face redundancy soon, work is unpleasant environment to be, I am stressed with it all and visions of looking for a new job and all the changes. And my daughter has been unwell recently, so I had to take days off work, very unwelcome in current situation. On top of that body image issues… I was ‘joking’ to him about being fat and letting myself down… in reality it’s not maybe that bad, but only I know how much self-conscious I am… despite that he still fancied me loads in real life and we had really good sex, so I got over that issue really quickly.

He knows about my work situation and is very supportive and understanding. Also, he seems to be genuinely interested in my daughter and said a couple of times that he will be happy to meet her in the right time. Also he was saying things about ‘if we get to the stage of living together’ etc… so on the other hand I think that he actually is thinking seriously of me, just doesn’t want to rush things…

Now… I haven’t seen him for 4 days now, still chat every day for a couple of minutes and it’s him who initiates…. but way less than before. I feel tired, sick, cannot sleep BECAUSE I am so scared he will disappear… like husband, like others. I feel at moments like I am going to die. Still I keep the positive front for him as I know he wants a relationship with someone happy and positive… and I am or can be happy and positive very very often, it’s just that all that situation, together with work seems to be pushing me over the edge.

Luckily have counselling starting soon… was thinking about coming back onto antidepressants to combat this anxiety but they take ages to kick in… and I would just like to finally be able to shift sth in my mind…. To be able to stop self-sabotaging everything that is or might be positive in my life.

Ldrs are always hard. Especially at the beginning. Hard to know what the other person thinks when you can't see them. And they can't progress the way you're used to which is unsettling.
I'm not clear why he's not coming to you given he's more flexible? Maybe talk on the phone and raise it?
Also there's a lot of useful articles online about surviving Ldrs. Have a read, it might help

LDR's are really tough but, can work (my ex, who I ended marrying) lived in another European city but, it's a bit boom or bust & you do things, quicker than you would if you were dating locally.
Good luck with it

Focus on taking care of your poorly child. That's the connection that will define you. If you do that the rest will follow naturally.

Your head sounds exhausting. High anxiety and agitation. I found sertraline helped my similar anxious behaviour pretty quickly last year when I started on them . Probably a bit of placebo and relief that calmness was possible if not immediately then soon.

There's so many real worries in your life with work and your daughter being ill that must make the future feel so uncertain. It's no wonder you're going to transfer this state of uncertainty onto the relationship. Plus not eating and sleeping its like your body's gone into fight or flight.

Chill out, have a fag, do some yoga/mindfulness/exercise/voluntary work. No seriously. Eat a bit of toast and make a list of all your worries then go to bed.

I think you need to slow down a bit. You knew he was the one after the first meet?!

It's good that you're communicating about it all but he's said himself that you don't know what's going to happen, so just take it easy and try not to think too much into it at the moment.

Ok, you're scared he will leave because your husband did.

Did you cope after your husband left? Yes. Was it shit? Yes. But did you make it through and come out stronger and more determined to be a great parent for your DD?

If this guy leaves too, will it suck? Yeah probably. But will you cope? Of course - youve been through worse, you know you can handle it.

If he does break up with you then he wasn't right for you. Choose to see this relationship from a position of strength - you're still in the early stages - YOU still haven't decided if he's good enough for you and your dd. If he starts going cold, or dicking you about, then YOU will decide it's not good enough. If you have the choice, what is there to be scared of?

Hey sweetlifeforme how are you feeling today? Do you want to talk more about the work situation?

Today is just slightly better. Kept myself busy for most of the day to not overthink, no analyze... obviously was really hard but did my best. Yesterday did the dumbest thing ever in that case and just got drunk... it helped me to get it out iff my head for a while. I have no issues with alcohol and it was one off so no scare here.
Work is a funny topic now... the worst bit is the uncertainty and lack of clarity, as my company is heading to restructurisation... I know I am safe for at least next 3 months but it is really hard just not knowing what and when will happen, even with regards to new job searches.
My daughter is ok... still a bit weak. Obviously she was taken care of in the basic sense -fed and bathed and mildly entertained, I just had no strength to be a proper devoted mummy to her yesterday.
'My man' (don't really know how to call him yet) texted yesterday to wish me good night and we spoke for a bit,he said he is looking forward to next meeting. I kept happy face... don't even feel like I am playing any games, it's more of a fake it till you make it approach at this stage, as I know its my own mess eating me up.

Gosh, you really are an open book! You have revealed too much of yourself, too early on. I would definitely speak to your counsellor about resilience and boundaries, to keep yourself 'safe' (in the psychological sense). Also, you are up and down like a yo-yo, depending on how HE is treating YOU. Try and claw back a bit of control, before this situation sends you off your head.

It's so difficult I know, and I wish you and your daughter the best

sweetlifeforme, even though your situation is different from mine, your head sounds like it does the same as mine! I so relate to that feeling of anxiety about the unknown, and that fear that you will drive him away.

It's an awful, relentless feeling and if you're like me your moods are dependent on validation from him. You want to be open and genuine, but at the same time you're intense and anxious and know that being that way is off putting.

What works for me IS faking it until I make it. Several times a day I take a couple of minutes to focus on my breathing, and notice my emotions and thoughts without judging them. This helps me to stop jumping to negative conclusions if communication with my "man" seems more distant than usual. It helps me to be more relaxed and positive and open to going with the flow.

I also find 'journaling' helpful. When in an anxious state, I take pen to paper and write down whatever's in my head - this can be very helpful in releasing anxiety and worry.

I hope things work out for you. Please PM me if you want because I can really relate to the way I think you're feeling xxx

That is a lot of uncertainty for anyone to deal with, never mind someone who has anxiety!

I think your head has run away with your heart in relation to him. Have you got another meetup booked in the diary?

Having an uncertain job is horrible as there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Having said that, forewarned is forarmed, so update your cv, have a look at benefits calculators etc to see how much money you would be entitled to.

And please focus on your dd. Take her out somewhere, put your phone away and give her your full attention. I promise it will make you feel better x