I need some impartial advice please

[isittimefortea]

I never thought I'd be in this position, but here goes .....

I'm 33 years old, have 2 boys 11&10. I married a man 24 years older than me when I was 21. He's a Surgeon, earns good money and is a great man. The beginning of last year, I realised that I hadn't been happy for a while and asked him to leave. We'd had marriage counselling a few years before as I got unexpectedly pregnant and he was adamant 2 kids only. He wore me down enough that I had a termination and have regretted it ever since. We tried counselling again, but it wasn't enough. He was either working or playing golf. Never came to parents evenings, sports days etc.

Anyway, he left. I stayed in the house with the boys and got myself a part time job in a local shop and felt happy in me for the first time in years.
I ended up unexpectedly meeting someone who I fell hard and fast for. I never introduced the kids or anything along those lines. My 'boyfriend' took me away one night and I got a message from my ex husband (my parents had my boys) saying he'd been diagnosed with cancer. Obviously I was heartbroken for him, and felt even worse I was away with someone new when he was finding out that news.
I went to the next meeting with my ex husband and they said he'd need to be with someone after each of his chemo sessions. So, I decided to do the decent thing and ask him to come back home on a 'friendly' basis. Separate rooms. Just in the way that the boys could still see their dad, know he was ok, and he would have me here after his chemo.

He was given the all clear just before Christmas. We were all obviously really happy. Although now I'm stuck. The man I was seeing has ended it saying that moving my ex husband back in is a step too far and it's not "normal".
My ex husband living at home has again taken off all the financial pressure. And we get on in a friendly way. I'm lucky in the respect that my house is big enough that we can stay out each other's way if necessary. He doesn't seem to be making any moves to leave again. I've approached the subject a few times, and he's just said 'I'll start looking for somewhere to rent', but then never has.
I don't want to confuse my boys by having him here any longer than he needs to be, but they love having their dad here again. Do I not bother mentioning it again and keep him here? The boys know we aren't together, (I heard my 10 year old telling his friends 'mummy and daddy aren't married anymore, dad's just living here because he was poorly'.)

I'd love some other opinions please

What is it that you want?

Wow. How difficult. You did a lovely thing inviting him back to your home for the chemo, especially as it cost you a relationship you were excited about.

My humble opinion is to ask him to leave and stick to your guns. Any future partners would find this really hard to cope with, you aren't in love with him any more and your boys understand the situation so if you do it now, it will be easier than in the long run.

You sound lovely.

Sorry. I didn't know how to edit & having just re read I realised I made no sense.

Basically advice as to whether I should ask my ex husband to leave or leave him here. He knows we're not together, but if I meet someone else in the future is it odd I still live with my ex husband & then having to ask him to leave because I've met someone else.

Ask him to leave

I think it's probably better if he goes. You are both young enough to move on and find someone else to spend your lives with. Did he help to support the children financially for you when you separated initially? It's nice that you have a good relationship and were there for him when he needed you, but ultimately you are not together and it will be less confusing for all involved if you have separate lives. The DC can continue to have a close relationship with their father regardless of whether he lives at home.

Yes, he happily paid out for the kids with no issues at all.

Thanks for all of your advice, I'm going to speak to my ex husband tomorrow when he's back from work and tell him it's time he left

Do you own the house outright, can you insist that he leaves?

I may be in the minority but I would leave things as they are for now, give him and your DCs more time together after what he's just been through.

I don't own it outright, but he's happy for me to stay here with the kids while he rents elsewhere and looks for somewhere more permanent. As I said, he's a good man, just not the right man for me.

I think you are a very decent person. You sacrificed your new relationship to support your ex through his chemo (even though he did not support you through your unexpected pregnancy). You were kinder and less selfish than he was.

I think that now it is time to grasp some freedom and enjoyment for yourself and that you need to separate completely from your ex in order to do that.

Ok well my objective view is:

Your greatest concern seems to be is it weird to have him there. Now that's the thing - you had him back out of kindness, selflessness and, I'd say, some sort of love. You lived many years with him, and you have children with him. What he did re: the termination was unforgivable, and I can quite understand why he's not the guy for you.

But, as you say, everybody's clear that you're not together, and the boys are clear, but the domestic closeness without doubt is probably something positive for the boys and, I think, for him. If he thought he was going to die, now he probably has a slightly different perspective. He isn't moving out because basically you guys are his family, the house is his home, and he wants to be at home, with his family.

You know what I'd do? I'd fix up some kind of flat or distinct physical compartmentalisation of him, somewhere in the house or grounds (good you have space and he has resources to pay for it). I'd let him have his space there somewhere. I wouldn't kick him out. But I'd make the division not just understood emotionally, but physically clearly distinct. He would have his own separate territory. The human equivalent of a very comfy kennel somewhere ... because I think that although he doesn't deserve total sympathy, given how it sounds as if he took you for granted and was entirely cruel in his insistence that you literally control your life and your third child's at his whim, so I don't have a huge amount of time for him, and nor should you, but ... he's only got you guys, I think, and kindness and emotional generosity to someone who can't control you now, and who is broken and in need of his family - that isn't a bad thing. That is behaving well. That is being decent and kind. That's a good example for your boys, and it's a good thing to do.

So I'd set him up in the shed or summerhouse or West Wing or wherever, and then make sure you can have your own separate life re: finding someone else. And if someone thinks your weird for having let him come back, cared for him and let him stay around his family, because it would be pretty mean to turf him out, then I personally wouldn't want them. Someone will hear that story and think wow, what a bloody nice person you are. What a loving person. What a sensible, decent person. They'll love you for it.

What job said.