Classic projecting? Or just being rude (or at best, thoughtless) ?

[alltoomuchrightnow]

DP's mother is overweight and diabetic.
She is basically agoraphobic (which she won't admit to and says she's very happy to be housebound) and sits watching tv all day. She literally never does anything else apart from watching tv and going on her laptop.
Family come to her, she never leaves.

I am a fairly fit person, love being outdoors, rarely watch tv (didn't even own one for about 8 yrs). I can't stand sitting around, am a total fidget and can't even do sit down jobs which is why always worked in retail management as used to being on feet all day (not doing this right now which does not help). I have been tested for diabetes, cholesterol etc inc again recently and all is well, and I've never been told to lose weight (even though I may have needed to lose a couple of stone.. am not trying to be totally delusional here!). I have under active thyroid which is hereditary from both sides of family and is manageable. Only real problem I have is nightmare periods so I've just started (in my 40s and infertile) on the Mini Pill)
This time a year ago, I was a size 20, having ballooned after starting Citalopram several months before. I had a posh wedding to go to in the summer and used that as a goal to lose 2 stone, using a famous low cal diet.
After that, I went on holiday (last autumn) and relaxed things a little and came off the diet. Hardly gained as DP and I hiked most days and it was strenuous (we never have relaxing holidays , by choice) I told myself if i gained i would not beat myself up about it as it could be dealt with when i was ready again. Intention was to get back on track. Soon after I had an injury and have been pretty much housebound since end of November which being an active person has driven me nuts. (live in middle of nowhere, wasn't allowed to drive and DP was away with work on and off for weeks on end)
Last summer, i was approx a size 14 or close to (large 14?) DMIL knew as we stayed last March when i'd started on the diet.
I'm now up to an 18. I had intended to re address the situation due to starting on the Pill as told to expect some weight gain. It's all personal to me and I HATE talking about diets and my health (ok I am right now but it's anon!) but I will if asked.
At home, DP and I eat pretty healthily and have both been veggies for over 30 years. I don't drink (DP does) for health reasons inc the cal content.

We've just been staying with DP's mum and she hasn't stopped with the constant comments about diet/ what I eat. She was the same as xmas even though I ate v little .
When we were there this time, her Tescos shopping arrived and it was full of buns and sugary pastries (things I would never touch as I just don't like them). Everything that came was ready made (sandwiches, lunch pots etc even though she's been told to eat cleaner). Her daughter has told me before that she eats the sugary stuff in secret. I'm not judging her on this level as obviously has a problem, just giving background here. I had one bag of crisps as we had no food there and she had a go about that (I rarely eat crisps) but she has stock piled about 200 bags under her stairs (she buys in bulk) She's looking at the odd thing I eat when I'm there (as she provides nothing for us) and thinking it's the whole picture. But even if i did eat terribly, it's nothing to do with her.
I can't stand the hypocrisy. I'm 30 years younger and need to lose about 2.5 stone to get my BMI back to acceptable. This is achievable. I took a few months out and shouldn't have to keep justifying it. It was Christmas plus I was out of action for a while (still mending i.e. bones). It's up to me whether or not i get back on track before it goes to far the other way again.
Sick of the rude remarks and don't feel like visiting again but always have gone extra mile for her (she's 200 miles away and widowed, I always take holiday off work to go with DP etc..) She is nice in most other ways! So it's really odd.
We just spent three nights there and all the time (like at xmas) she was saying what happened to my diet, why aren't i still on it. no wonder i'm big again etc if that's what i eat (she never ever feeds us and there's nothing we can help ourselves to so we treated ourselves to a chinese, which was a rare treat, we don't bother with takeaways at home as live middle of nowhere. As veggies we just shared two dishes (so one entire meal each) of mushroom omelette, tofu and black bean sauce. Hardly the most unhealthy meal and as i said, a treat for us. She ruined it for me by making comments the whole time about how greedy i was, yet her son was having the same and we'd not eaten the whole day!
Is this her denial and classic projection?

The crazy thing is that today DP got his blood test results back. Turns out he has high cholesterol, type 2 Diabetes (like his mum) and high blood pressure (he needs to lose about three stone too and has a huge beer gut). He rang to tell her. I have none of those things yet she turned the conversation to me (I overheard as she talks so loudly) Totally nuts when it's her son that is unwell. After the call I said this to him and he just said take it up with her (fair enough as he's just got bad health news)

As in, I'm stil wound up as only got back last night!
Right off out now to be busy and not stew :)

LC = Low Contact
NC = No Contact

Why does your DH insist you stay 24/7, a recipe for disaster with someone you have such a difficult relationship with? Tell him no as well while you're about it!!!! He can stay of course as long as he likes. You go to a nice Travelodge or spa or whatever!

Well its understandable if you've only just got back. Your minds a whir!!!!! If you take a bit of time and get some distance I am sure you can find a way to distance yourself, or tell her pleasantly but firmly that you are finding these comments rude. She may get angry about that, or she may back down and have more respect for you. You never know with these people. Or you can just distance yourself, or as I said make passive aggressive jokes .

We do go out loads normally which is why I've liked going (part of the country I didn't know before; we've turned it into mini holidays before now) but this visit was short (and intense!) so we didn't go out.
I think I'll just try and change subject if he talks about going spring/summer though it's always been me suggesting we go (it's a given that we go at Christmas , though) It was always me thinking about his widowed mum hundreds of miles away, whereas i see my parents regularly.
And I did like going. Until the last few visits, she's changed that. Ho hum.
Maybe she'll realise, if I don't go next time. It's so hard for us both to get time off together anyway. Am sure I'll be working again by then

It does sound frustrating.

I have similar with my mother, she's always been very overweight and has Type 2 Diabetes. She will be tucking into cake for breakfast or finishing a meal with something sweet but then gasp at what I'm eating. "Ooh all that sugar!!!!" at petit pois or the tbsp of reduced sugar ketchup I had with my breakfast of one poached egg, grilled mushrooms and tomatoes. "You don't eat that type of thing do you????" when she once saw me eat a packet of frazzles but she had an ice cream. She almost fainted the last time I had pizza at a restaurant because it was the only veggie thing on the menu. She kept telling me about the lovely salad I should have ordered instead (and taken the tuna out!!) whilst ordering steak and chips for herself.

She manages to be critical if she deems me to be eating healthy too. "You can't eat ALL that" because in our house we often have a small salad before the main meal. If I refuse cakes in between meal she tells me "it's only a cake".

It drove me potty

I did snap at her once when she started to lay into my son about his body shape because he asked for more chips. His bmi, like mine, is within range.

You have my sympathy.

My mother would do this to me if I let her. It is her projecting her own poor body image. Yes, I am overweight but unlike her I don´t go around hating myself for it. I refuse to enter into any conversations with her on the topic. So if she makes a comment, I´ll ignore or move off. Or if she forces a response, I´ll just say I don´t want to talk to her about it, and move onto something else. I have to be mentally prepared for it as otherwise she will get under my skin, but after many years, the response it fairly well ingrained.

What I should have said was, that I need more calories than her as I'm active, whereas she doesn't need all those sugar coated pastries when she's sat on her arse all day, and uses a stair lift! And gets everything done for her. She doesn't burn them off. In any way, shape or form.She can get around and has a car too, but chooses not to. It's been sat in the drive rusting for ten years now since last driven.
I mentioned to DP about her unhealthy food delivery (which is the same every week as she never changes it) and he said oh well, some of the cakes and pastries are Granny's. (His mother said the same thing on the day actually)

This doesn't sound too weird when you know that her mother lived with her and had a sweet tooth (also had diabetes ) but at her v old age (nearly 100) she was basically given free rein as she would only eat what she actually loved (i.e. buns). If she didn't have what she wanted then she may not have lived that long as would have starved.
However.. if I told you Granny is now DEAD….. you see what I'm saying. She's eating her mum's treats too.
She is eating for two, and none of it healthy.