Am I expecting too much from my husband?

[feduplonelymum]

Regular poster but NC to avoid being recognised.

Married 5 years, together for 3 before we married. Friends before that to. Have a 4yo and a baby. We have no family who help us - everything falls to Dh and me.

Dh works 4 days a week and sometimes does overtime. I work PT tho currently on maternity leave. I "keep house" my Dh does all the cooking and food shopping. He likes cooking, sees it as a hobby. I hate it so that arrangement works well.

We live in a nice house, in a nice area. Have foreign holidays, eat out regularly etc. On the face of it, and on paper we probably look happy.

But I'm lonely. Dh is not bothered about spending time with me. We haven't had sex since baby conceived last January. Any kisses / cuddles are instigated by me. I fall asleep by myself - I moved back into master bedroom from spare bedroom just before Christmas and he's come to bed once at the same time as me. Once.

I have to ask him to watch tele with me - he "keeps me company" downstairs watching a film or whatever about once a week. Other than that he's on his computer in his study. Sometimes working, sometimes building computer programmes, sometimes doing fuck all probably. He's not into porn so he's not doing anything "dodgy". He just doesn't want my company.

He's a very hands on dad - I can't fault that. But I feel that's not enough. He's very supportive of any issues / problems I have etc. He makes me laugh. He's just not bothered about living side by side with me iykwim. I'm not a needy person - I enjoy my own company.

I've told him how I feel, many times, but nothing changes. I won't leave him as I wouldn't destroy my children's home. I'm not unhappy as such just unsatisfied....

Is this what marriage is? Is this what life will be like? Not really sure why I'm posting tbh. I guess just to get other people's views.....

How much worse do they need to get?

Imagine for a minute, someone else describing what you've described here.
Say your sister, daughter, friend.

What would you say to them? Would you say,
"Stick around, hope it gets better"
Or would you more likely say,
"Spell it out to him, if it doesn't change, don't five him any more of your precious time"

Fwiw.
My happy place is by my GF side. Everyone else in the world is grey and dull compared to the sheer brightness nd brilliance of time spent with my GF and my DD. The times we're not together are times when I'm waiting to be with them again.

If my thiiughts and feeling were any less than that, if I avoided her, if I decided my PC was more important, then I'd be questioning my love for her, my reason to be with her and my entire existence probably.

Have it out with him. Tell him how you feel and that it needs to change. I know this is going to cause a bit of controversy, but I'd have to have a little peep at his computers history!!! Also, if it doesn't work out...it's not the end of the world, especially if you can remain good friends. Me and my ex get along much better now. DS has a good relationship with him and is happy (was upset at first but it soon passed). We are still a happy family...but in different houses :)

I won't leave him as I wouldn't destroy my children's home

So you'd rather stay in a relationship that is dead, ok then carry on, personally I think you need to ask yourself if it's worth the loneliness or you may be using the children as an excuse to stay put, personally if things didn't change because they sound intolerable, I'd have to go, your children will not be destroyed, talk about OTT.

This is me. Except I've told him I don't want to live like this & begged, literally begged, him to spend time with me & he doesn't. He always has something else to do that takes more priority like washing dishes that he doesn't normally. It's crushing & demeaning. But I'm trapped at the moment with 3 little ones & a sahm living in a country 26 hours away from my family. I have no answers....

Adora - I'm not being OTT. I haven't said my children will be destroyed. I've said my children's home, as they know it, will be destroyed. And it would be. That's not OTT!

If we split, I'd move back to where I grew up to be closer to my family. That's half a days drive away. My ds will need to change school - he only started in Sept.

These are important considerations. My husband is a v involved hands on dad. He's not absent where it comes to my children! He's emotionally and physically absent when it comes to me.

Echinas - sounds like we're in a similar situation. I feel for you being so far away from your family and being a sahm as that must limit your interaction with other people. Your situation sounds equally as lonely as mine - probably more so

I guess I feel trapped by the life we've created together. Trapped by trying to keep my son's life constant. The baby will know no different.

I'm trying to decide whether i am lonely enough to say enough is enough. Or whether I'm overreacting. How bad do things need to get before I leave? Will things get better? Worse? Or whether once the baby is a bit older I can get out more which will ease things. I'll also go back to work which will help.

I've had 3 texts off my husband this morning. I've ignored each one. I'll count the kisses in them in a minute. Probably more small x's on one mornings text messages than the number of actual kisses in the last year!

I'm also trying to work out whether I love him - as in, being in love with him. Or whether I love him as a brother....I guess the fact I'm wondering this gives me the answer!

Text message kisses - 7, 8, 11.

So 26 kisses on text messages!!!! He's 44 btw, not 14.

OP, perhaps destroyed is not the best metaphor then; you've said you won't leave so I don't really know how things will change; you've told him over and over and nothing changes so you either accept this is as good as it gets or you look to the alternative, it's really not the end of the world; children are amazingly robust and adjust well to change; especially if both parents are amicable and are only interested in the good of the children.

You have a right to have the relationship you want, even with children, not the one you feel you are stuck with.

rattle I'd love to look at his computer history but I'd never be able to get in there. All his electronic devices have various passwords.

I don't think it's other women / porn / anything else. I think he's addicted to his computer / iPad though. In a fire he'd try and save his iPad before me probably

It's a tricky situation but you really do need to prioritise your happiness. Like you said it's better for your children too that you are happy 😊
Do you think you would be happier being single?

hayl - I think I may feel worse being single. The thought of starting over terrifies me. And what if I don't meet anyone else? I'm scared of leaving and making a huge mistake.

If things were dreadful I'd leave. But they're not dreadful - they're just flat. I'm not unhappy all the time. But overall I'm a bit sad and lonely. But then being at home with a young baby can be lonely.

I think I need to see how things are once baby is a bit older and I'm back in work.

I don't think you would be being unreasonable to ask that for at least a couple of nights a week he leaves his Ipad, PC, Mobile alone; and no offence but do you know what he's doing online for all that time, I'd want to know what was more interesting than spending time with me - if he is not willing to engage in making any effort you may find things will deteriorate anyway and you will both just end up being friends who co parent, you could still do this but live separately and at least that way you won't feel lonely and ignored; it's not minor, it's a pretty big issue.

OP - you are right to want more, and it's not fair that you should feel so disconnected, lonely and in-loved.
I know you've said you've tried to talk - but sometimes being heard is the problem. He may just hear you 'criticising' him - telling him things aren't good enough? Resenting the time he has for himself, feeling controlled etc etc?
So I think you could do worse than try to help him understand? It doesn't sound to me as if he'd be ok about your relationship failing - and you are hardly asking for the moon and stars - just some connection, intimacy, affection, physical closeness, enjoyable sex, emotional bonding, trust. The things that go beyond a good friendship that makes a marriage.
Try again - but perhaps think about what you say and what he hears. Anniversary is a good time to have some time together to talk - not about what he needs to do but about things you have lost, how you feel and how there might be a path to making things better? Also - look up the languages of love - and see if you are onnyhe same page.
I really get how you feel - and even if you've tried before - behaviour changes always start and slip back and need trying again! Good luck OP - you deserve it!

Technology was supposed to make the world an easier place to live in, but it is slowly destroying human interactions.
You must have had something in common when you were dating?

Am in quite a similar situation with DW at the moment.

All affection comes from me, if I kick up a fuss then she makes an effort for a few months then settles back into her old ways. She's entirely happy for our relationship to be platonic and its so draining feeling you're not desired or desirable.

We're working on things but I'm kind of resigned to the likelihood that it will stay as it is. Once our youngest heads off to Uni in a few years I can't see what will hold us together, but I'm prepared to work on it and muddle through until then if it means I'm there with my kids day in day out instead of it being 50:50 or EOW.

I hope it improves for you but I know how it feels and it really sucks :(

"he isn't into porn"

keep him - a real unicorn of a man, not like 99% of the other pigs out there

OP, this is the situation I am in with the person I am legally married to. I don't consider him my "husband" any longer. We live in the same house as we are utterly financially screwed, and can't afford to separate without someone living in a poky bedsit. I won't do that to him, and he won't do it to me either.

But that's how it was. He was, and continues to be a truly great Dad. He loves his kids, and he more than pulls his weight around the house.

However, come the evenings, he takes off into his computer. He's there all weekend. And he's been like that for a long, long time.

There comes a point where you just don't care anymore.
That point came for me quite some time ago, and I went through the horrors. I really did. I tore myself apart.
I'm at the other side now, and we have had the talks.

We have effectively separated. Different rooms, different social lives etc.
I have a partner/boyfriend whatever you want to call it.
Some day things will be better financially, and we will physically separate but atm, we get on really quite well, talk about the news, mutual friends, work, and of course the children who are rapidly growing up.
If I won the lotto though, I'd be gone in the morning. (probably to the house I'd buy up the street), but quite gone...

Not sure how helpful this is, but I think you need to get it through his skull that he's signing the death warrant on your marriage by isolating you like this. And I know how that feels.

UpYerGansey bravo lady

you took your lemons and made some lemonade

I can relate to what you have written UpYerGansey. If it's not the computer then it's playing a game on the phone...which is sort of worse really as you start talking to them only to find out that they are not present in the moment with you at all, it's come to the point now where I just don't even bother starting conversations because half of it goes unheard anyway.

I used to be one of those 'why do these woman stand for that' types but I have come to realise that you can't actually change what a person wants deep down.

The only thing that I would say about staying OP is that it worries me about what it teaches our children. What if they grow up never learning what a good relationship could be like?