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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husbands ex turned up at party

42 replies

Busybeesmum · 01/02/2017 19:41

So I recently got back with my husband after a two year separation. During that time he was with another woman for around a year. This woman vaguely knows a friend of mine.
Anyway last week was my friends 30th and the ex turned up at her party with another one of my friends friends if that makes sense. Anyway when I turned up she gave me daggers and I ignored it. After a few drinks she came up to me and started mouthing off saying that my husband used her as he was still obsessed with me and that im a bitch. I just walked away as I was still fairly sober.
This sounds ridiculous but I can't stop thinking about it. I don't like confrontation so it upset me. I will probably bump into her again at some stage and don't really know what to do if I do

OP posts:

PaterPower · 03/02/2017 09:20

What PPs are saying is that from your DHs exP's perspective, he'd left you and started a relationship with her. Which lasted a year (reasonably substantial) and which she presumably thought was going to be LT.

So from HER perspective, YOU are the ow in this situation... and she'd be valid in thinking so.

If your dh was begging you to start again whilst, presumably, lying to her and acting like he wanted an LTR then I can see why she'd be more than a bit pissed off. Fair enough that she should be directing that 'more' toward him than you, but I can completely understand why you're getting some of the anger too. Nobody likes being taken for a ride.

Neither you nor exH, IMO, should be describing her as "crazy" etc. He should be a lot more introspective and a little kinder to her. As should you.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2017 09:24

Your husband doesn't sound like much of a prize

WannaBe · 03/02/2017 09:49

You were the OW though. Doesn't matter whether you were married before. The fact is you got back together while he was in a relationship with someone else.

And he's an arsehole.

And while I absolutely believe that airing one's dirty laundry in public is never a good idea and won't have shown her in a good light, she is the only victim in all this, and neither of you have acted particularly honourably.

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2017 09:54

How is the op the other woman? Op was there an overlap? Was he still seeing her when you two got back together? Or had he ended it with her before you got back together?

Original poster

Busybeesmum · 03/02/2017 11:18

He ended it with her and then we got back together i was never the ow

OP posts:

nigelforgotthepassword · 03/02/2017 12:47

I feel sorry for you both op
You because it's a horrible awkward situation, her because you husband no doubt led her to believe that you were awful, hence your initial split, entered into a relationship with her, then left her to go back to you. Which would make anyone unhinged really...

You did the right thing in this situation.If it happens again just tell her she's angry with the wrong person, and walk away, calmly, again.

Original poster

Busybeesmum · 03/02/2017 13:08

Nigel i doubt dh slagged me off to her hes not that type of person. I understand why shes angry but its not my issue.

OP posts:

ItsAMessyLife · 03/02/2017 14:31

He ended it with her and then we got back together i was never the ow

Didn't you go on a 'date night' while he was still in a relationship with her?

I agree that your husband doesn't sound like a prize. A decent person would have ended it with her before pursuing you.

Original poster

Busybeesmum · 03/02/2017 14:44

He ended it before coming back to me

OP posts:

WannaBe · 03/02/2017 14:46

"Nigel i doubt dh slagged me off to her hes not that type of person. I understand why shes angry but its not my issue." but he slags her off to you? So actually he is that type of person. And more to the point, he was telling you he wanted you back while still shagging her?

While you may not have physically done anything while they were still together, can you honestly say that you told him you weren't interested in being with him? because unless you said to him in no uncertain terms that your relationship was over and you were not interested in him you absolutely were complicit and at the very least were involved in an emotional affair with him.

The man sounds like an absolute player.

WannaBe · 03/02/2017 14:53

And FWIW I can see it from your point of view. You were married to him after all, therefore technically you could want him back because he was your husband.

But from his point of view he was with this woman while at the same time telling you he wanted to get back with you. She was almost certainly oblivious to the fact that he was telling you he wanted you back, and he was almost certainly still sleeping with her while telling you he wanted you back.

These things are always messy, and TBH I imagine that your discomfort is as much because you know how much of a mess it really is, and deep down you know that she has every right to be hurt and angry. Plus if he was telling you he wanted you back and went straight back to you after they split, she's not going to believe that you weren't sleeping together for the duration of her relationship with him, even if you weren't.

Original poster

Busybeesmum · 03/02/2017 16:10

Wannabe thats the first time hes bad mouthed her to me. I appreciate shes angry.

OP posts:

Original poster

Busybeesmum · 03/02/2017 16:15

And i was kind to her by walking away when she called me a bitch and a slag. She upset my son and i dont forget things like that

OP posts:

OhhBetty · 03/02/2017 18:21

I'd question why either of you want to be with a man who uses women as pawns in his little game. She's definitely better off without him! Him being unkind about her says more about him than her. Yes she acted badly but is obviously hurting because of what he did to her. I couldn't be with someone who treats people like that. Just think of what he must have said about you! And go back into this marriage with your eyes wide open.

Original poster

Busybeesmum · 03/02/2017 20:28

I trust him Betty

OP posts:

iloveberries · 05/02/2017 08:08

*i doubt he slagged me off to her"
Pah hah hah hahhh
Dream on lady!!

Whocansay · 05/02/2017 08:52

I really don't understand why you are a 'bitch' and a 'slag'. You don't appear to have done anything that merits either label. I would dismiss her as being hurt and taking anger out on the wrong person.

Although, I would be wondering why my DH was with someone like that in the first place. God knows what he told her.

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