Husband jealous of DC

[dontevenblink]

I know I haven't got it nearly as bad as a lot of people, and I normally just bottle everything up but I think I have reached the end of my tether. I don't have anyone to talk to in real life and am feeling pretty alone and just need to talk to someone. Sorry this is long.

I am a SAHM for 4 dc aged 8 and under. I gave up my job when we emigrated several years ago, and we are on our second move with DH's job, so twice I have given up all my friends. I have some friends here, but am struggling and I have no one I could just ring up for a coffee and a chat.

DH works very long hours and I do everything at home. I do everything in the mornings, in the day with the pre-schoolers, and after school, then bedtime. I cook dinner for DH every night. He goes to work, then the gym, then comes home when the dc are getting into bed normally. He doesn't read them stories, but might sit in their room on his phone if they are being silly and won't go to sleep. I do all the cleaning, washing and cooking, even on the weekends. DH leaves his clothes on the floor, his cups and plates everywhere, and dirty tissues down the side of the chair he's been sitting on. I keep asking him to tidy up but he moans that I am nagging. He is grumpy most of the time, and I find it really hard to have a conversation with him as he says he is always tired and it is like drawing blood from a stone. The only things we do are if I organise them. We have no family here and so I do everything on my own.

He rarely plays with the dc and his idea of taking them out (never all of them at once) is going to the local diy store. He shouts at them when he asks them to do something but they don't do it immediately, despite not listening himself most of the time. Our 8 year old has told me she is scared of him, although he would never hit them. The eldest 3 barely acknowledge him when he comes home from work and he moans about this. He had 3 weeks off work recently and spent most of it in the garage working on his hobby.

He does have good points, he looks after the garden, and when he is being nice he is good to be around and he does love the dc. He works long hours to support us and I know he worries about things.

I haven't been happy for a while, but it all came to a head last week. DH had an accident and has hurt his shoulder. He rang me and I went straight to him, arranged for the dc to go to a friends house, and stayed with him. He was in a lot of pain and sleepy so the next 2 days I took the dc out so he could rest. I have waited on him hand and foot as well, but have been preoccupied with keeping the dc away so haven't been able to sit with him. Our dc don't sleep well so this has made it more tricky too. On Sunday, despite being signed off and saying he was too ill to do anything he said he was going to go to work. I said it was silly but he insisted. I drove him and picked him up.

Yesterday he rang me in a grump saying he was struggling at work but he didn't have a choice because it was not relaxing being at home with the dc around and they get in the way, and that he couldn't just go in the garage due to his arm. He said it was too stressful having to discipline them and that I was too soft on them. I answered with 'are you saying they're badly behaved and its all my fault?' and he started swearing at me and so I hung up. He got a lift home and I didn't speak to him last night as I am too upset. I gave him a lift to work but I am too upset to have a conversation with him, I find it really upsetting that he doesn't want the dc around and thinks I don't help him too. He has said he is jealous of the kids before but I have said to him that they only have me and they are so young that they are all consuming and it will get better when they are bigger. Then today he sent me this article www.google.co.nz/amp/s/marriagemissions.com/how-husbands-feel-when-his-wife-puts-the-child-ahead-of-him/amp/ I find this really sexist, and upsetting that he is jealous of his own children and feels like this is how I should behave. Am I being unreasonable or should I try and do more for him?

I texted him saying how I do everything and get nothing back and to stay away for now. He has tried to ring me but I haven't answered, and asked me to meet him for lunch but I really don't want to right now.

I know I have my faults, and all my energy goes into the dc and trying to keep the household running, so there isn't much left at the end of the day, and we can't afford babysitters so never go anywhere together, which doesn't help at all, and maybe a big part of the problem. But we both decided to have a big family...

I know I have to stay with him as I live in a different country, I have no support and no money and 4dc to think of. He would never hurt me, he is not abusive so I am perfectly safe. Sometimes I am happy. There is not a lot of support here for single parents and I can't uproot the dc again. I just really needed to write it all down and have a cry. Sorry for the rant.

You certainly shouldn't feel guilty posting. My boyfriend has had issues with being a dad,(unplanned baby) but reading your post, I'm thinking my boyfriends not so bad!
What hours does he work? And how many days?
Is he going to the gym every day? That's excessive if so.
Does he do nothing with the children?
I'd be furious with the link he sent you. I'd be very tempted to stop doing everything you do for him, see if he appreciates what you do then!

I do wonder if i have created a lot of the problem by just getting on with everything and he has got to used to it. I have stopped picking his clothes off the floor for example and he will actually wash them now eventually... I do still put his clothes away though as he just leaves them everywhere otherwise and I get sick of the piles. I know I should stop, it's just been easier too I think. Maybe we've just fallen into this pattern and we need to work out way out.

I'm not sure how to deal with the grumpiness though...

OP - being jealous of the children is a huge red flag for me. i wish i'd paid more attention to this. If he wasn't prepared for the changes DC would bring, he shouldn't have agreed to have them. My H was like this, and along with various other spurious complaints, led him to having an EA with a work colleague. I only had one DS so the pressure you describe wasn't so great, but similarly, he basically came home from work and did nothing. if he cannot change his attitude, you have to decide if you really want to stay - i can tell you it is completely miserable trying to make things work with someone like that, and i don't have the extra 3 DC to deal with.

He leaves the house about 7.45/8 and gets back about 7. It's 5 days a week but he often does a day or half day at the weekend too. He goes to the gym everyday yes. It has built up to that over the last few months and I have told him it is excessive but he has not listened. Even Dd has asked why he goes to the gym instead of seeing them and I told him that and he seemed upset, but not sure if he would have changed. That's one of reasons he's so unbearable at the moment, he's not getting his gym fix.

Believe me it's going to take a lot for me to forgive that article and I am planning on doing a lot less for him now.

Would you both go to counselling? I was in a very similar situation but over Christmas I reached the limit and told DP I wanted to separate. It was like a rocket going off and seems to have terrified him into action as he's been like a different person since them. We're seeing a counsellor who I think has started to get to the bottom of the problem, and now we have to try and see if the changes we both make can turn things around. If you still think there is a relationship worth saving I think you have got to do something like this. DP said he didn't realise he was being that way - ignoring DD, being grumpy and miserable etc. I can't really see how he didn't realise but anyway... If we try and work on it and it' stoo late to save at least I will walk away knowing I tried.
I hope things improve for you, it can be so miserable living with someone like that

I'm sure it's not good to go to the gym everyday, you need to let your muscles rest and stuff. That said I only manage once a week twice max!
His hours aren't really that long, does he do stuff with the DC if he's home on weekends?
I'd go to the lunch, ask him what he'd like to change and tell him what you would. I'd be saying gym every other night max, bedtime stories for DC's the other nights, either a trip to the park/swimming etc with DC's on a weekend, and clearing up after himself!

I might be completely off the mark but I'm wondering if he wanted the big family so you would be stuck at home serving him and picking up after him. And now after so many years you're sick of it your 8 year old is big enough to help with cleaning his mess and bringing up his kids. Well so long as he doesn't have to do it.
Gym eveynight is too much he's got kids that need looking after and basic interaction with their father they don't appear to be getting.
If he was single he would still have to sort the car and the garden plus his own washing cooking cleaning administration and the thousand other things you do for no thanks.

My STBEx was just like this- it is still a revelation to me how much he added to my workload. Without him living here it's getting tidier and tidier and I struggled for years to stay on top of it all.
As to spending time with his kids, tell him the time he puts in now is the foundation of his relationship with them as adults and he won't be able to rewind time once they're older and he wants to spend time with them, because it will quite simply be too late.

Stop with the excuse that he is working long hours, those hours are normal for most people without the gym time included. If he really struggles with being the sole earner, suggest that you will take a weekend job. No childcare costs needed as he is at home to take care of them.

What NewView said.

My husband was the same when the children were younger, always working, tired and grumpy. Now they are older he realises what he missed out on and tries to spend more time with them, but of course they have their own lives now...