Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP told his ex he still loves her.

99 replies

Sss506 · 31/01/2017 17:24

DP and I got together officially over a year ago, but have been seeing each other for 2 years, it first started right after he broke up with this woman. It was intended as a FWB/fling type situation but it developed more than expected. We worked together (still do, though only working in the same team twice a week ish), so had been friends for a while and hung out just the two of us a few times, but it genuinely was never even really flirty until after they broke up. He was pretty wounded by her, tbh, so I'm not sure why I'm even surprised at what's happened after. I had no idea how strongly he felt until way after their break up, tbh.

3 or so months into being official he told her he still loved her while drunk, broke up with me the next day, fully planned for them to be together again but changed his mind, a few days later came to my doorstep crying his eyes out that he'd made a massive mistake, we slowly worked back to being together. Given the circumstances of how hard their break-up had been for him (when we were just FWB/friends I was there for him a lot), and how it was early days with us as a couple, I felt like I understood the 'lapse' in judgement so to speak because these things can be difficult and it can be hard adjusting, whatever.

Anyway, last week he started acting very strangely, told me it was to do with family and I believed that as stuff's happened recently that's been pretty shit, plus I saw him sending his mum massively long texts, so I just dismissed it as a few off days. We had a huge argument about how withdrawn and horrible he was being to me and I asked if he had spoken to the ex because he was acting exactly how he had last time he decided he wanted to be back with her. He said no, it's just family stuff. She's not involved.

Yesterday out of the blue she sent me a screenshot of a text he sent. Her text said 'why are you doing this when you're in love with someone else'. His reply was 'I still love you'. And then, is there any possibility in the future of them getting back together. She said not as long as he's with me. He said 'just answer the question'.
His justification was he had a dream about her, it brought back painful memories (similar excuse to last time, tbh), he made a spur of the moment reckless decision, spoke to his mum about it, realised how stupid he was being and that he loved & wanted to be with me more than anything and stopped talking to her.

The first time it happened I was fucking devastated, it made me so ridiculously miserable, it sounds stupid but I genuinely felt it hurt me more than any other relationship issue has in the past even though it was so early days. I just have had incredibly strong feelings for him for a long time. but now I just feel so numb and blank. We have been so so happy in the past few months. I never thought it'd happen again. We've got two holidays booked in the next few months. 90% of my friends are his friends. We don't live together, but it was on the cards in the next few months. I just feel blank and numb. He keeps messaging me, telling me he loves me, he's so sorry, all what you'd expect. Cried on the phone when he explained what'd happened, told me he only wants me forever and doesn't know why he keeps sabotaging things.

I know what's going to be said, but still :(

OP posts:
Chamonix1 · 31/01/2017 19:26

Been in exactly the same position OP.
Stay with him and feel he's only with you because he couldn't be with her & have it plague you for your entire relationship, wondering constantly when it will happen again and why you weren't enough to start with
Or
Realise your worth and find yourself a man who chooses you first because he knows your worth too!

Just leave, don't do it to yourself.

WappersReturns · 31/01/2017 19:28

Ugh, I've been with a spineless twat like this before. The feigned torment at being torn between two women, it's utterly pathetic. He's enjoying having both of you dangling on his narcissistic little strings, this is his wee ego boost.
Stop thinking about her motivation for sending you the text. Yes she sent it to you because she wants you to break up, but that doesn't make it any less the right thing to do.
Stop caring whether he goes back to her. If he does then she will be you and someone else will slot into her space. This plonker needs angst to validate himself, emotional dick swinging. You deserve better than to be a prop in his ego massage.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 31/01/2017 19:31

I know what's going to be said, but still Sad
Sadly people like him are great at implying you are 'insecure' or 'paranoid', so you question yourself.
You have forgiven him once and here he is messing up again. You know his ex doesn't owe you anything whatever she may have promised, now he's been moping after her, he is the one who's hurting you.

lollylou2876 · 31/01/2017 19:36
Flowers
rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 31/01/2017 19:41

Two women doing the pick me dance! Props for him Angry

What Wappers said. Not only is he working on having two of you feed his ego, he's also got you listening to utter bull like 'I don't know why I keep sabotaging'....

You're not free therapy for him. Get rid.

Chinnygirl · 31/01/2017 19:41

Checkthisout

It took me a bad relationship of 13 years to learn that lesson.

KatsutheClockworkOctopus · 31/01/2017 19:43

Take it from someone who had been there.
If you stay with him
You will be forever feeling second best
Forever wondering if he's thinking of her
Forever worrying
Forever waiting for the other shoe to drop

It will eat away at you. Find someone who deserves you OP.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2017 19:48

What are you going to do, op ?

Original poster
Sss506 · 31/01/2017 20:07

Anyfucker, I'm not sure right now
I do know I don't want him/this life/have grown tired of this whole situation, have no energy left to care almost. Just put so much in and got so much shit back for it

But I don't know what to do about practical things, like my job, there's no getting around us working together or at the very least seeing each other which I wouldn't want. We are both wanting to move on to different jobs but it obviously wouldn't be immediate. I think a lot of our friends would be on my 'side' as they've seen this happen last time and were pretty pissed off with everything, but at the same time, he is a very well liked person in our friends. I feel like if there are social gatherings he'll still go regardless and would be ok with seeing me there but not speaking to me whereas I couldn't deal with that, so I feel like I have a lot more to lose than just my relationship. I know we have only been together a relatively short time but this was my life for 1-2 years after finishing uni so it feels like it's all I've known for my 'adult' life so far if that makes sense??

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/01/2017 20:14

No. It doesn't make sense at all.

Unless you have zero self respect and can live with everyone you know pitying you

SuperPug · 31/01/2017 20:21

Aargh - I'm reading this thread again and rooting for you to leave him and live a really good life.
From what you've said, you must be 23/24. Why on earth do you want to be shackled
to this loser for your twenties? Or any decade of your life?
It's the most horrible feeling when you're in that situation. But I promise you that you will look back without any feeling for him and realise utterly pathetic he is. You've already said that it's more the effort you've put in, rather than feelings. So there really is no absolute reason to stay.

SuperPug · 31/01/2017 20:22

And yes, it's rubbish when you're in the same friendship group/ work/ uni. Things move on and your genuine friends will be with you. It will be a good sifting process for the others.

IonaNE · 31/01/2017 20:26

OP, you're the second choice. He does not want to be alone, so you'll do until he gets back with her.

Re. the work situation: this is why you don't get involved with people at work, but that's like closing the stable door, etc. As you say, you both want to move on work-wise, so it'll happen and until then you'll both just have to bear it.

Sorry you're going through this.

OhhBetty · 31/01/2017 20:27

You shouldn't stay with someone who makes you unhappy for practicality! Life is too short to waste with someone like him. Your true friends will still be there. And at work/social gatherings you don't have to be anything other than civil to each other. That will get easier in time. Living with someone like him will only get harder in time.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2017 20:28

Op, you do understand that all your colleagues and friendship group will know all about this, don't you ?

Deranger01 · 31/01/2017 20:37

i don't see what your alternative is really, change is always hard but it won't get any easier if you leave it. Why waste more of one of the best decades of your life on someone that feels lukewarm about you? tbh, a hard smackdown is exactly what he needs so he learns he can't take people for granted and keep them just in case.

Britannialia · 31/01/2017 20:48

What's the point in carrying on?

As others have said, you will spend the rest of your relatiionship wondering if you are still second best. Your first child, you'll be wondering if he's thinking about her and wishing she was the mother of his first child. As you watch the sunset on your honeymoon, youll be wondering if he is wishing he was with her. And that's the best case scenario here.

The worst outcome is you get back together, move in buy a house,have a child. She decides she does want him after all and he walks out on you to be with her. What will he say? Well you knew really how I felt about her.

You will spend the rest of your relationship acting out with him repeatedly to "test" his love because you wont' believe he wants you (with good reason).

If you have the emotional strength to walk away, you should if you can manage it.

HazelBite · 31/01/2017 21:24

OP you are so young, do not waste the next few years with this waste of space who can't make his mind up. you do know that neither you or the ex will end up with him because the grass will always be greener elsewhere, he will probably send his life going from woman to woman, craving the big romance of the century.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2017 21:38

Yeah. Stay clear of the Big Romance types. They will throw you under a bus for the next love affair of the fucking century

Fact is...the only person they truly want to love is themselves but they are actually full of self hate if they only knew it

Champers4Pampers · 31/01/2017 21:56

I'm with the others who say walk away cause you'll alway be second best.

Ask yourself this..

Can you confidently say if she said she 100 % wanted to get back together with him would he end it with you to be with her? If there's even the slightest doubt in your mind you need to end it. You're worth more than this.

I think he's using you as a stop gap. He's not over her and he doesn't want to be on his own. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. He should of gotten his head straight before starting another relationship.

I hope things get easier for you.

SandyY2K · 31/01/2017 23:37

I've known a few relationships/marriages break down, because one person went back to the Ex they never stopped loving.

In some of those cases, they had kids too. Two of the worse where when the husband told his wife his Ex was back in town, when he'd been seeing her and she was pregnant. He left his wife and her words were "I was the booby prize".

The next is even worse. A wife still hung up on her Ex slept with him, with the deliberate intention of getting pregnant by him, knowing it was her fertile period (as she and her husband were TTC), hoping they'd get back together. She got pregnant by him and he wasn't interested. Her husband gets suspicious three years later and does a DNA test and all is revealed.

Even when you get married, if you're the one they settled for, it often still comes out in the end.

Don't ever settle to be second choice.

It never ends well.

Trustyourself2 · 31/01/2017 23:53

If he loved you and cared about you, he wouldn't do this to you.

HarmlessChap · 01/02/2017 00:01

OP feel sorry for you, what a crap situation, but I also feel sorry for your DP he clearly hasn't got over his ex, no doubt he'll run back into her arms when you tell him, quite rightly, that you're not anybody's back up plan. However, he's still him and its pretty much inevitable she'll dump him all over again sooner or later.

PovertyPain · 01/02/2017 00:46

From the pathetic texts that he's sending, I don't think she wants him back, but knows that all she has to do is click her fingers and he'll come running. He's only with you because he can't have her. He's already said that he'll leave you if she takes him back.

You're back to being fwb but he's the one getting all the benefits. Sorry OP, but your relationship is already over, he just wants to make sure he has a choice between first prize and second prize. I don't need to tell you which one he thinks you are. 💐

BenadrylCucumberpatch · 01/02/2017 01:54

OP, you've made this man a priority,
When all he's made you is an option.

Love and respect go hand in hand, and I don't see much of either coming from him.
If she clicked her fingers, you wouldn't see him for dust. Please find your self-respect and take yourself away from this emotional piss take. before he does it for you Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread