I used to come to mumsnet when my children were small. I need to talk and I don't know where else to go.
I have chosen a new name for this thread because it is quite indentifying.
I left my husband for another woman. I loved him very much but we were together since we were very young and I always felt a strong attraction to women. He was the only man I ever felt physically attracted to and it was totally overshadowed by my attraction to women (in my own head. No one but him knew this).
In all the years we were together, almost q decades, I never strayed. I was never tempted. I never came across anyone that gave me 'feelings' at all. I fancied celebrities and stuff but my eye never wandered. I loved my husband and was content.
Then I met her. Online. It started off in a chat group relating to a mutual interest. She had an account especially for that so her profile pic was a generic cartoon and I spoke to her for a few months very innocently. We became friends.
Then she added me to her real face book and I saw her photo.
I'm not a dramatic person but I fell in love immediately. I can still remember that moment 2 years on. It really was like something from a film.
We became flirty. But the group we were in was very flirty and silly anyways so I never thought much of it.
I told my husband how I felt and initially he was supportive. He knew who I had felt for many years and sometimes we discussed me having a girlfriend too. But of course reality is very different.
With DHs blessing I told her how I felt. She said she was flattered and over time we became closer. We began to fall in love.
She lived in another country and so made the decision to visit.
I told DH but it became too much for him.
He gave me an ultimatum.
I loved him but this woman touched me emotionally in a way I had never experienced. I felt like this is what I was. Who I was. I felt whole.
I felt like if I didn't meet her I would regret it.
So I made my choice.
I met her. We spent the most amazing week together.
2 months later DH moved out.
And now. She has dumped me. Gone non contact. We spent a lot of time together. Despite the distance we would travel and spend your weeks at a time together, regularly.
I feel like I want to die.
I have children. So I won't do anything stupid but my pain is unbearable.
It's been 2 months since she last talked to me and I still cry daily. I dream of her every night. I want to claw away at myself with frustration.
And I feel guilty
That I ripped my family apart
That exDH still looks after me. Still cares for me after all this.
That I can't let go of her.
I feel like the sun has been extinguished.
How do people cope with this? My whole future is gone. I've been publicly humiliated in our friends group. I've lost everyone I talked to online because I was so embarrassed.
We were engaged.
I surround myself with the things she made me. Her shirts. I look at her photos multiple times a day.
I've lost weight. I can't sleep properly. I had a massive sex drive and its gone from that to nothing. For months because my mind automatically flits to her and I end up crying.
I'm on antidepressants.
I just don't know how to move on.
I dobt think I've even accepted I need to move on. I still hold hope for us.
I feel pathetic.