DRY 17

[Loubilou09]

[This message is actually from Sober Sarah! She wanted this thread to start with links everyone will find useful. MNHQ]

If you're quitting alcohol for a brighter sober future come and join us here. A very welcoming bunch supporting ebach other every step of the way. smile
We have put together some helpful info and links, to help you do this Smile tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.com

Tired of thinking about drinking, Belle's website filled with free stuff as well as subscription courses and an account of her four years sober.

joinclubsoda.co.uk/ Club Soda - to help you make the change you want.
www.sobersassylife.com Sober Sassy Life - A Selection of Articles, Blogs and Freebies to get you unstuck, and on the way to your Sober Sassy Life! Also has paid for courses.
thesoberschool.com/ - an online hub with the mission of inspiring and supporting women who are tired of feeling hungover

www.blogtalkradio.com/bubblehour - podcasts on a huge range of issues relating to addiction and recovery

www.smartrecovery.org.uk/ - an alternative to AA. Meetings nationwide and online.

Useful meditation or relaxation apps
www.headspace.com Headspace for calming the brain chatter
www.withandrewjohnson.com Andrew Johnson stop drinking app
Helpful blogs from people who are sober
sothisissober.com/ our own vxa's blog
www.alcoholfree2016.com our own Lily's blog
www.alcoholfree2016.com our own Lucy's blog
www.sobergrowing/blogspot.co.uk our own Sober Sarah's blog

All of these blogs contain links to loads of other brilliant blogs.

Sobriety counters
meetnomo.com/index.html
www.pilanites.com/streaks/

Hope this helps you ! Love Sober Sarah and Vxa

Welcome from me. Be kind to yourself !

Thanks, seedsofchange.

burntnorton, are you an Eliot fan?

saywhen, I can drink 80 units a week - a bad week but not an unheard of week. Stress is a trigger for me too. We're sharing the same day 1.

Day 1. I'm totally doing this. It isn't even June yet, if I stop drinking now I should be well over the worst and maybe even a bit slimmer by the summer holidays and I can give my dcs the best of me. There is still time for this to be a good year.

I sent a "thank you" message to friends for their barbecue. Wondered whether to say "sorry I was so shitfaced" or not and left it.

I've not read the whole thread but about a couple of weeks' of posts and it's great to see all your inspiring women taking charge of your lives. I want to be like you.

Hi SayWhen and AntiGrinch ...welcome to the thread. I've found staying on this thread has helped me enormously...I'm still only in my first month. It sounds all very familiar to me what you are both going through, I've done all that before allright.

We are here for you and have all been there. AntiGrinch, it would be great if we were slimmer by the summer hols. In my case I'm not sure that will happen because I've been eating and snacking in the evenings since going AF where I wouldn't normally. Same when I am at home and would normally have had a glass in my hand.

I haven't had a great Bhol weekend either, but I suppose it is a plus I am not feeling rough and have managed an AF weekend this time round. My mood has been rotten, and DH is rather unsupportive...pretty sure it would make his eve if I had a glass this eve because he has always poured me a glass thinking it would do the job. I now think he is clueless what to do instead. He is not a flowers or chocolates kind of guy.

Today I've been munching on celery chunks, carrot batons, raw mushrooms, bags of radishes, cherry tomatoes. I'm not a salad person but trying not to put weight on going AF...I did also manage a bar of chocolate...both today and yesterday! Radishes appear to be a new fix for me...I"ll easily down a bowl an evening. I've not been that good every day...the olives crisps and cheese are always calling .

BGJ43 many thanks for your support again. Trying to snap out of the low mood.

Today's motivator thought.... I've eaten more chocolate since chucking the booze than ever before in my life.... and I'm the best part of a stone lighter... there's a shed load of empty calories in the booze!

So if chocolate's going to get you through this, then go for it...... you see many many mentioned of chocolate milk in my threads.... many gallons of chocolate milk

I can drink skimmed milk for England as long as it is ice cold...up to 2 pints a day...As for the hidden calories in alcohol BGJ43 you have a real point. When I was pregnant with my 1st DD I'd always been a skinny thing before. After motherhood my shape changed and I got a curvy shape...still quite small though and only a size up from before. 10 years of wine and gin saw me go 3 sizes up from that. The reason I know it was that which did it is because without question when we planned my pregnancy for DS which we were blessed happened straight away, I abstained completely and oddly enough had no problems going AF. The day after DS was born I returned home to find my old trousers/jeans would not fit me, and I'd gone down 2 sizes during pregnancy... I had to convert to leggings for a few weeks after to be sure. I ate as usual if not more when pregnant so it must have been no booze that did it!!! I don't weigh myself ever, but will go off how my clothes go. BGJ43 if my waistline goes down then I 'm with you on upping the chocolate consumption...especially chocolate mint

I tried to do the maths as part of my quitting journey - for me, in the region of 1.5-2 days worth of calories extra from booze, every week.... shocking in every way.....

But here I am eating chocolate, with a long road still to be travelled...

Onwards

Things about the end of my relationship and the way I mother my children are really playing on my mind. I got so frustrated and cross with the dcs on Saturday and said horrible things to them.
I am worrried I am an abusive person. I come from a shouty family and I can sometimes shout.
I am generally lonely bored and frustrated and sometimes I just can't deal with it.
Beating myself up about being a shit person makes me worse. I have to find a way to change and I have to somehow manage some level of self forgiveness in order to do that.
I'm feeling very old and tired and feeling like things are only going to get worse. I don't know if I have the strength to keep doing all the things I have to do and I don't know how to find the time or the money to do some things that can make my life feel less dull and empty . I have no idea how to have a good time any more. I feel sorry for my children.

Thanks for the welcome.

Antigrinch - I like that - sharing our first day.

Do you think the feeling awful today is a part of day 1? I am very self critical, always have been. Have very high standards and when they are not met feel low and embarrassed. If i try to talk to myself in the way I want to teach my children to talk to themselves it helps me. I don't know if that makes sense. I am not perfect a million miles from it but if I can teach my children it's OK not to be perfect, ok to make mistakes il be pleased with that. By the way I've not met a parent who doesn't shout at times.

I keep looking at the problems that will come up in the future (stupid but how to explain I am not drinking for one.) Its helping me to just think quite short term for now. I haven't drunk today. That's better than yesterday.

Welcome to the thread Saywhen, well done for taking the first step.

Well spotted Anti, it's my favourite out of Four Quartets. I relate so much to the shouty-ness. I was brought up with a very shouty parent and always swore I would never do it, yet I found myself mimicking similar sometimes with my own dc. I'm not making excuses but I do think some of it is learned behaviour alongside that frustration and boredom I can feel with my own life.

Stopping drinking really has helped as I feel so much calmer. I had a really good look at my triggers as realised that a lot of it came from things not going the way I planned, feeling suffocated or the resentment of feeling like a general dogsbody. I've learned to let go a bit and try and grab a little time to myself when I can, even if it's ten minutes meditating. It might sound daft but I kept a habit tracker for months and one of them was no shouting, which made me aware of it throughout the day too. Draw a line under it, it will get easier

Thanks Faez, had a really good night without booze and managed to get a meal of sorts so no salad Was strange watching how little everyone drinks usually and the fact that was them once they were home. Me, that would have been an appetiser to hitting the wine hard once I got back, regardless of being a.m. Really nice to wake up the next day and not have to do a mental account if I'd said or done something stupid, especially as there were people there I didn't really know.

Sorry you're feeling rotten tinker, that is some uber healthy snacking you have going on there

burntnorton, Burnt Norton is my favourite too.

Day 2. Saywhen, I am very self critical too. And there is a tendency for all attempts to be otherwise to become grist for that same mill. So thinking "I should be less self critical" becomes consciousness of another fault that gets fed into the constant grinding striving machine of knowing the ways I am flawed, trying to be better, failing. I am going to try what you said about following your advice to the children.

Minfulness and meditation really helps the self criticality and self loathing. Try Headspace? Also lots and lots of small treats as rewards for getting through the day xxx

I try to think of three positives from the day when I go to bed.... positives/things I'm grateful for... doesn't always work, but it's not a bad exercise is closing out the day....

I'm managing to stay dry for another day but it still isn't even a month yet. Right now everything else appears to be taking a back seat since it is pretty much taking everything I've got to stay dry, and I'm struggling to concentrate on doing much else. I feel really crappy and selfish about that. I know I shouldn't because I am concentrating on riding this wave and getting better, but I still cannog help feeling that I got myself into this mess in the first place. What I really need is a 'pause' button on everything else. I am on auto pilot for everything else, but the pace of life and events going on around me is not slowing down. I'm succeeding at staying dry...but everything else is going to ruin...what a mess...

AntiGrinch - have you asked for help from your GP, local Alcohol/Addiction centre, AA, Occupationa Health, etc?

My own experience was that just wanting to stop drinking was not enough. My will power would last a few days, and then I'd have a drink (or seven....).
It was only until I reached out and got help for my drinking that I was able to stay stopped.

Nothing changes if I change nothing

I can't ask for "official" help because I am nervous about ex trying to discredit me. I can't have anything on record.
I can't get to AA at the moment. There isn't a meeting I can do. I would like to.

An alternative to AA is SMART Recovery. https://www.smartrecovery.org.uk. They also do online meetings. Whereabouts (roughly) are you ? I am in Birmingham and I have a small group for women which I set up because I found getting and staying sober really lonely. PM me if you like. I am 14 months sober and it has completely changed my life. I was where you are now - it's really hard but you CAN do it.

For me (and I only speak for myself), AA meetings are like medicine. If I get to meetings then I am well, if not I get sick. For me, sick means being hungover, lethargic and snappy with loved ones, but also putting my own and my family's health at risk. If I get really sick, then I would lose my job, friends, and finally partner and children. I make sure I take my medicine as my whole life depends on it.

Bg that's a great idea. I do that with my dc why had I not done for myself?

Headspace sounds good.

Tinker I'm sorry you've had a rough day xx

Antigrinch - day 2. Trigger day as late work. But didn't stop on way home. Large dinner so feel tired. Eaten quite a lot but in short term that's probably the better option.

I can't face real life support. I feel so much shame about getting myself in this situation the thought of looking at someone is a bit much right now. Would feel very anxious about bumping into anyone work wise as well. Reading all of your advice and support is really helpful and makes me feel less bad to be in this situation as I am in good company.

Well today was a much better day than yesterday.

I have been here before. What I really, really struggle to get, inside, is that I need something. I need to support myself in ways that aren't booze.

Today I was working from home because I was looking after dcs for half term. they were unbelievably good and cooperative and I got quite a lot of work done. But I took breaks to go into the garden with them, do the odd bit of lego. I did a fair bit of weeding even :) and this evening they went to their dad's and I had a chilled easy dinner with the french windows open, and after dinner, while it was still light, got around to replanting a little tree I had been meaning to do for ages.

I just can't have that kind of day all the time, but if I could, it would be easy. I have to work out how to look after myself better on the basis that I can't spend my life pottering around the garden while my children are magically, bizarrely and charmingly well behaved.

Saywhen - big day 2 high 5!

I went to AA when there was a group near my work at a lunchtime I could make. There was no way I was ever going to meet anyone I know locally there and it was great. I don't work near there now though.

Thank you vxa, I am not near you but I may well PM you anyway :)

Thanks for your thoughts too Neutrogena.

Hello everyone else. hope you are having nice evenings.

Day 3 Antigrinch!

I need to support myself in other ways too. I had been running and loving it. The last few weeks I haven't even done this, today I start again. I hope not to have lost too much fitness.

I feel unbelievably tired today. Need a coffee before running.

Sorry me again. Can I ask what you have told people about not drinking? I had managed 10 days a few weeks ago and fell off as was asked out for a night out for a friend's birthday. I went, drank as no one (not even my dh) knew I was trying not too. Nothing went wrong on this evening but this then began a few weeks (a month) of really significant drinking. (Even more than normal - sounds stupid but i feel a bit shocked at the units I was drinking.)

What do you say? I think I need a few different reasons I can give people depending on how I knew them?

Thank you. Hope you all have a good day.

Good Morning ladies. If you are off for half term this week then I hope this is giving you a slightly easier week of things. I'm still having to go into work but at least I don't have the school run to do before the mad dash into work. I had a quiet moment to myself last night and reflected on some positives now I am in week 3 of AF to keep me going...there aren't many yet but they are creeping in...1) Better sleep - I go out like a light, and stay that way until about 6-6:30. 2)Less unpleasant feelings of anxiety...the physically uncomfortable tension and pain I get with it that causes me to feel tight and feel muscle pain. 3) No stomach pain/IBS type feeling since day 3/4. 4)More money left by the end of the month. 5) I haven't had a hangover /bad head or felt on the rough side until at least mid afternoon for a few weeks -the longest time that has happened in 7 years. 6) I'm already far less snappy and likely to stay calm through a conversation/situation so far more patient with both DC.

Despite getting lots of sleep, I'm still feeling utterly shattered every day. I guess it takes time for the body to recover. I still feel very 'indifferent/low' about everything. This really is compromising my capscity to think clearly and act quickly at all. Making decisions feels very hard. The cravings for food (and most of all a drink) are still very much there. I still feel terrible in myself- shit about what I've let drinking do to me, and the effects it has had on my DC and marriage- shit about all the times I phoned in at work to say I had a sick DC when in fact I was off with a hangover, shit about how many times I either cut short a trip out with the kids because I was too rough or worse promised we'd go somewhere next day and then didn't. I can't believe how I shouted at DD unnecessarily so many times. If I am really lucky, DS is not old enough to remember what has already passed, but this really is the time for me to change before he does. I've got to keep trying to remind myself of the positives hat are creeping in.

Lime &soda, milk, and flavoured teas still working, as is the AF beer...time to order another case of that in today!

Morning...

I have dealt with telling others on a case by case basis, but generally in an understated, low key way...

Designated driver is the easiest option, if it is an option - no one argues with that one... Or just ordering a sparkling water/soda and lime when asked what I would like to drink - if asked just said i was off it for now... the 'for now' seems to have really helped with other people's perceptions - so whilst we may be working towards our forever /long term sober, adding those two small words seems to really kill the curiosity dead.

It's a HUGE deal for us, especially in the early days - but in reality not so much for other people... You being the habitual drunkard may make them feel better about their own drinking, but in most cases they're not that interested.

That has gotten me through - I have opened up a bit more to people I know a bit better - explained the extent of my drinking, and that it had to stop. HAD to stop. No apologies. The people who care about us and our well being will understand, or at least respect that decision. Those who push you, tease or harass you into 'one can't hurt' are best avoided, ignore and pitied.... NO, as often said on other threads on here, is a complete sentence.

You could just have one - I could.... (but i'm not going to)

One can't hurt - true, but no thanks all the same

One would help you relax - I'll be just fine with my water/coke/chocolate milk

But you've not really quit have you? - for now... nothing's for ever

I just don't make it a conversation I am willing to prolong - and perhaps I am a little lucky that most of my drinking was done alone in the house so I don't often have to face these situations - but a matter of fact, low key, no hysterics, no apologies approach has worked for me.... I'm sure others on here will have many more tips and hints.

It's one of the things that has fascinated me on the journey so far - is how people have reacted to my stopping drinking! If I am driving or if i was pregnant no one would bat an eyelid, in fact the sobriety would be positively encouraged - but because we have made the decision for other reasons it really seems to throw some people. Drink, talk of drink, adverts for drink, facebook posts about prosecco.... It is everywhere...

I honestly think in 10/20 yeas we will be ahead of the game as drink will be considered in a similar fashion to smoking is now...

Onwards,

Hi Saywhen - I haven't ever been honest with anyone in 18 years how much I drink -DH has often thought I drink too much at times and ought to cut back, but not even he knows how much I've had in the past. I'm a secret drinker and tend to be OK (not ever really past merry) on social occasions.

I've made up all kinds of excuses under the sun for my hangovers...migraine is a regular favourite ... as were sick children when they were little.

I work in a profession where drinking heavily after a conference /business day is the normal way to network and do business, and lunch at the pub is the way to get over the "communal' bad head with colleagues when back at the office. In truth, I'd actually drink much less than colleagues though not let it look that way, see colleagues back safely, then drink alone in secret when I got back home/to the hotel with my own money and off the company tab. I would never let myself get drunk during busines trips in front of colleagues but it seems to be a norm in the industry (no it's not the pub industry).

I don't think my DD knew a great many of the times I was moody it was because I'd been drinking because of how sneaky I was...she probably thinks I am uptight and moody generally.

I really want to be a better person than this...I've lied to everyone for years.

BGJ43... well said. I am aiming for my head to be in the same place as yours regarding thinking around drinking.

Conferences are light for now so I have some real time to prepare for next time. The danger time for me when I am there is when I'm back in he hotel room alone.

It is ironic I am the only secret drinker in a profession of open drinkersat least I think so...