What would you think if your dh lost interest in you physically...?

[taboo]

Basically I just wanted to see what others think about this. Dh and I have been together a long time (married 15 years) and have been through a lot together. We have a son (almost 7) and he has two adult children from his first marriage.

Dh was always interested in me sexually but over the past 12 months, his interest has waned significantly. Now it seems as though he has no interest at all, and I'm not sure whether it's for the reasons he says. I haven't exactly had much desire for him either over the past few years (so I suppose I can't talk), but this is very out of character for him considering how interested he's been in me for most of our marriage.

Without going into detail, we've had a lot of ups and downs in the last few years. Me with PND after having a child that dh didn't really want (he is absolutely dedicated to ds now though), followed by a tragic incident involving a family member, plus dh working a couple of stressful jobs and then suffering from health issues. His health issue is not life-threatening but he is taking a cocktail of drugs to keep it under control, so with all of these things put together, perhaps he's been going through some kind of depression. He says he simply doesn't have any libido but it's going on and on without changing, and I'm wondering if he's telling the truth. He still tells me he loves me on a daily basis, and he comes straight home after work so it's not like he goes out anywhere without me - except for the odd work function, but he usually comes home as early as he can. He's a real home-body actually. What would you think..? I can't find any evidence of anything else going on.

It sounds as if you have a loving relationship.
Would the drugs your DH is taking affect his libido, or have side-effects that he finds difficult to cope with?
Stress may also be a factor, of course.
I would suggest he visits his GP to discuss the situation.

Thanks Humphrey. I'm just wondering though - particularly from a man's perspective - is it possible for a man to go 4-6 weeks without a hint of interest in sex?? I've always thought men's sex drive was a lot more consistent than that. Dh used to complain if we went for a week or two without having sex, but now it's been almost 6 weeks since he instigated anything. He doesn't even seem to look at me in the same way, although he says he loves me.

I'm not very good at instigating sex myself, I have to admit. Plus I keep thinking that he must have a lot on his mind, so I just tend to just leave him alone, if that makes sense? I am wondering if this complete lack of interest means that his mind must be wandering elsewhere (to someone else), or whether it's possible for men to be affected like this by their circumstances or their health. Thanks..

I wouldn't be at all surprised if this was caused by the drugs, or the stress, or the combination of the two of them. Men aren't machines, their libido can fail.

It sounds like you have no reason to believe he's seeing anyone else (I assume he hasn't been unfaithful before?). And it sounds like he's being loving, in other ways.

If you miss sex, then try initiating something, and see what happens. Whether or not you do, I think you should stop worrying.

no experience with this but as others have said - as I read this I wondered if it was a combination of the stressful situation your family has been in and the medication he is taking.

with NQC try initiating something and see what happens.

Thanks for the responses so far. I'll try to make a bit more effort and see what happens.

Are there any men out there who could help shed some light on this..?? Don't want to sound pushy or anything but I'd really like to know what a man's perspective is on this - whether or not this sounds strange to them, or whether dh's reasons for his lack of interest make sense. Just want to know if I might be dealing with something else.

Hi taboo - short version is, yes this can happen!

For a lot of people (men and women), illness, the wrong sort of stress, emotional turmoil, etc, can really damp down the libido - let alone the (well documented) affect many medications have on sex drive.

After a prolonged low-level flu last year, I went from a 1-8x a week person to having zero interest for 4-6 weeks! Recovered afterwards - but my DW was less than impressed as we were ttc at the time.

Prob best bit of advice is to talk about it (gently) - plenty of relationships survive sex drive issues - but frustrations and resentments because of it can be a killer.

My ex had problems on some medication he was on, I have had the same problems in the past myself from medication, maybe he could see his GP to see if there are any others he could try. HTH.

my dh sex drive is effected by medication, stress, sleep and depression.

It comes back to normal after a few months IME.

Thank you, theSelfishMan - it helps to hear that. I've been convinced over the years that absolutely nothing will affect a man's sex drive but I guess I'm wrong. It was just strange (and a bit hurtful) to see him go from being very interested to being very un-interested. I thought I must've done something wrong or that there might've been someone else on his mind, but most of the time I don't really believe that's the case.

He did mention that the doctor told him the drugs may affect his libido, but I think it's actually more than that. He's been quite down about his health and there have been a number of other problems in his life over the past year, some of them quite signficant. So perhaps it's just all been too much for him. Thanks again for the advice.

My pleasure!

It seems to be a pretty natural reaction to a partners sudden drop in desire to wonder "whats wrong with me?" (or "is he/she seeing someone else?") - but it certainly sounds like your DH has perfectly good reasons for a drop in drive. I'd probably just relax about it for now, and check back on it in a little while.