Has anyone ever managed to get passion and desire back into their relationship after a situation like this?

[Stanley38]

DH has lost all sexual desire for me. We are mid 30s. He admits it feels "stale" now after ten years married but also that he doesn't think about sex in general for weeks/ months at a time.

It has been 2 months now since we've had sex. This is hard enough for me, but harder is that because he seems to have no sexual feelings at all now, it's been much longer than that since I felt from his actions that he desired me/ felt horny/ whatever you want to call it!

When we do have sex, it's usually because we've spoken about this and I know he hates the way it makes me feel. But I'm not begging for sex and the sex that comes after talks like this is really "sad" sex! I'm begging for a sexual husband who would send a cheeky text, or whisper something in my ear in public or make it clear he really wants me.

I really look after myself, size 6-8, very athletic and no DC so lots of time for health/ fitness/ beauty. So things haven't changed there, if improved since we've gotten older and had more disposable income.

I won't list them all but I have tried so many different things that we've discussed and something might work for a week or so but then we end up back here. He says it upsets him to see how it affects me and he "hasn't lost hope that one day it will come back". I feel like you need to do things to make it come back though otherwise it never will. He says he doesn't want to fake feeling like that because it feels forced. He will NOT go to a doctor to check hormones, general health etc! Flat out refusal every time this is discussed.

I'm writing this because recently I have started to lose some of the desire I feel for him. I hate this :-( I want to fix it all before it's gone in both of us for good!

Any helpful experiences?

thenewwave Thanks so much for your reply and we have done exactly the same with a similar couple we know! If you don't mind saying, what exactly do you mean when you say you are making more of an effort?

I'm sorry I have no advice but I'm following as I am your DH, in my relationship ,absolutely zero interest, and it's a big problem.

mikado Can you get explain why? Do you have any sexual interest in general? Is it just your partner you're not interested in? Or is sex just not a priority/ no libido?

*try to explain I mean!

As in making time to talk and not just watch telly, not automatically going out drinking when we get a night without the children and then being 'too drunk' to dtd, not just assuming the other is too tired, too stressed etc. And importantly for me, being intimate with each other without it automatically meaning we had to have sex- I missed the intimacy because dh wouldn't want to lead me on.

The biggest thing for us is the fact that I have a teenage daughter who lives with us, we also have 2 young boys together. We have put a lock on our bedroom door, which psychologically helps us relax. We went for several years only ever having sex when my dd was at her dads ( ie one weekend a month) and if that opportunity passed, we would wait another 4 weeks.

It really does take you both to talk about it, and it's very hard to talk about without it putting pressure on one or both of you. Dh and I are very much in love and always were; I don't agree with posters who suggest there must be an affair going on.

thenewwave Thank you. Yes, I was sure I would get flamed for saying something like I know almost 100% he's not having an affair because he loves me. But I do. I know this. We love and care for each other very much. It's just that this side of things is a bit messed up right now.

Glad to hear you and your husband are getting back on track.

I think it's more that we worried that in the future we might look back and wish we'd made more effort. We are genuinely very happy, and have the usual strains of having young children and busy lives. It's easy to get into the habit of not having sex, and then when you do it's either a) a lot of pressure for it to be amazing or b) feeling awkward like you're not used to each other. It's also easy to get into the habit of doing it more often, but you both have to work at that.

Hugs op. I know exactly how you feel. I almost could have written this post myself. Myself and my partner haven't had sex for 6 months now, and last year had it a grand total of 3 times.
He's had a tough few years suffered with some depression, we moved house and he got a promotion at work all of which I can appreciate led to a decrease in libido but now things have levelled out a bit I was so hopeful things would slowly get back to not even 'normal' but atleast improve but nothing.
He says he just has no interest in anything sexual these days (we are mid 30s too) we have no children I think I look the best i ever have done but it still doesn't help.
like you I do all the housework and cooking and at times feel like I'm a mother to him rather than a wife but again if I didn't do it, no one would.
I go through all different emotions I go from being angry at him, feeling hideous about how repulsive I must be, to feeling sad at what our lives have become. I am too embarrassed to talk to any real life friends they would be horrified if I told them how long it's been.
Day to day we have a good life and we do activities together, still go out for dinner cinema sports etc and I get my hopes up that one of these date nights we'll fall into bed after one of these and he'll want to do something more than just discuss our day.
He doesn't want to go to the dr either but I worry what the long term outcome of this will be. He talks about our long term future and getting married etc which makes me feel like he loves me but i don't see how he can ba happy with things the way they are?!

I don't really have any advice but you aren't alone. keep us updated with how things go and if anything does help let me know

"He will NOT go to a doctor to check hormones, general health etc! Flat out refusal every time this is discussed."

Why not? He is being incredibly selfish in refusing to seek help. Maybe he doesn't mind never having sex with you ever again, but surely he must understand that even if he doesn't miss it, you will - not just the sex but also the intimacy and closeness it brings?

If he was actually willing to do something about it, he could get medical issues ruled out, and then you might consider sex therapy... but if he refuses those options, there must be another issue that he's not telling you about, or he just doesn't care about the impact of no sex on the relationship and on you.

I also think there must be deeper issues in the relationship given that you say he's lazy and you do everything. Maybe he lacks respect for you and just sees you as a skivvy.

Is he also lazy in terms of exercise? Getting fitter would probably help him out of the rut. Go together - seeing you get all hot and sweaty would be a big visual turn on I'd bet (that sounds pervy, sorry, but it's true).

It sounds really difficult. I'm not sure I understand how kissing and cuddling on the sofa can be platonic though? None of my male Friends would cuddle or kiss me like that... maybe a hug hello or goodbye? So in that way it is more than platonic. Which is a good thing.
Alarm bell sounds are ringing at you doing everything and him saying you're doing everything. What is his relationship like with his mum? Are you speaking to him like a parent sometimes? This pushes him into child mode and he is unable to match sexual desire to a mum figure...
start playing really close attention to your interactions and make sure they are ALL adult to adult. Don't slip into bossy or controlling or even just super efficient mode...share tasks and spend time dating again.
But also acknowledge it IS an important aspect for you and so if he really loves you then if these things don't work then he needs to seek help for the sake of your marriage.