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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Step children

36 replies

Offmyheadat40 · 29/01/2017 10:19

Please help me. I was single 35 no responsibility. Fell in love head over heels and woke up at 40 with three stepchildren winding me up with he said she said stuff and our own gorgeous baby. I'm going slightly mad and wondered if anyone had any advice. Not the stuff about bonding with them we've done that bit but I have no patience with them and it's getting worse. I'm sick of it and feel like I'm being played all the time. Boyfriend keeps his mouth shut as he thinks saying nothing is better than saying the wrong thing. I need him to back me up but all I end up being is a dogsbody screaming at people to stop using me as a taxi, a chef and having nothing of my own or just not being me. I'm on here because talking to anyone I know is just trouble

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 29/01/2017 19:42

Wow!

Come on lady find your back bone! Stop being a martyr!

I would be asking the children to do chores and laying down firm rules.

You are an unpaid nanny by all accounts

In your shoes I would absolutely be getting myself and my child alternative accomodation - love isn't what you describe - what you describe is bloody hell!

Original poster
Offmyheadat40 · 29/01/2017 19:51

Just to add I stay because I love him. I don't want to go to relate as most of the time I get the impression it's a sure fire way to fall out. I want to know people's thoughts and experiences to try and find a way through it. I never knew true live till I met him and I'm not about to give up due to a bunch of kids getting to me. I want to work through it I know I make excuses but there are two sides to everything I just don't think he sees my side. One thing seems to be apparent, if I ask him to do something he does it if nothing else I think it's so that he's doing the right thing. I do understand men I don't understand kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Offmyheadat40 · 29/01/2017 20:37

I'm by no means saying the problems are sorted but for today it's better than it was. I know he needs to wise up and appreciate me. If he doesn't show signs of it then I won't be staying

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Welshmamma · 29/01/2017 22:16

I have three step children living with me and three of my own. My DH can be too soft on his DC as he feels guilty that their mum has little to do with them.
She basically did everything for them... and then couldn't cope with it all when they did nothing for themselves as they hit teens and decided to eleven for what she describes as a life out of a film Hmm ..... a new man who has no kids and zero interest in kids.
I treat all the same. Mine have to do jobs ..... we pay the bills so we expect the kids to help out and have respect. I will not baby them they are 18, 16 & 15. They need to learn to be independent. My three are 15,12 & 9 and do more as I have always expected them to do jobs and speak to me with respect.
It's been a steep learning curve for all of us. Mostly my DH who has realised that we need to empower our kids and not wait on them hand and foot. It's ok to tell them off when they are taking the pee and sometimes it's ok to say no!
I love the kids. I want them all to grow in to happy and well adjusted adults and being too soft isn't going to achieve that x

You and your DH need to be a united front x

Good luck xx

Ellisandra · 29/01/2017 22:29

You need to stop putting your mental energy into thinking about / complaining about his ex wife, and concentrate on sorting out your legitimate complaints about him. They have two parents, one of whom you have a right to expect to step up and sort this out - so concentrate on that one.

Original poster
Offmyheadat40 · 30/01/2017 12:35

Yeah I appreciate the ex has got me down lately. It was OK while I was doing everything but as soon as started expressing it was getting silly it all seems to have become problematic. I'm not backing down though I haven't got the energy or time to spare in my life to be the crutch for everyone else. They are going to sort it without me. I just get mad sometimes that anything I feel seems to be out of order. Essentially I don't fit the mould that says yes to everything. It takes a while to get to me but when it does that's it. I just needed somewhere to say it all. It has been helpful and good to know it's not an unusual problem

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Welshmamma · 31/01/2017 12:41

It's really hard raising another woman's children x I find it difficult, I also really want a baby with my DH but he has had the snip..... second or third relationships are bloody hard! It's so much easier when your in your 20's!! X

Newbrummie · 31/01/2017 12:57

Raising another woman's children Hmm
You don't have to, I'm sure nobody asked or wants you to, if they have two parents then he should be doing the raising

Welshmamma · 31/01/2017 12:59

Do you have your step children living with you? Yes I do raise another woman's children because when their dad is out at work and I'm home I am the one doing the parenting. As a mum I have had more input into my children's upbringing as my ex worked long long hours so I was at home with them. So they do things the way I like.... god forbid I couldn't raise them somebody else may find they don't like my ways Hmm

2014newme · 31/01/2017 13:03

You sound very passive. You woke up at 40 with all these kids Stuff happens to you but it's not within your control.
Come on, get assertive. Take control.

Original poster
Offmyheadat40 · 31/01/2017 13:29

I used to be very assertive the btch is in there somewhere. I think the basic foundation to the issue is being an only child brought up by wonderful parents. To confront a whole group is chaos and I am very chilled out so the demanding nature of children does my head in. This is exaggerated by the fact we can't give them the things they want even down to foods they prefer. I would like to take them swimming etc but money don't allow. Especially when I have to put my little one first. She is with us all the time obviously the others cone every weekend like a blast of confetti flying through the door and it's amazing the wreckage that instantly occurs. When we have them for longer periods of time things seem to work better due to routines being established but once a week it's a bomb site by Sunday and exhausting on Monday after the war. Sometimes I just have enough of it. Mainly I just hate the battle of past behaviour that's already established. Two girls from a house with 4 older boys, their siblings and it's not their job in their house so it's not their job in ours. Their mom does absolutely nothing she delegates every job to the boys... fair play but the girls have the impression that women work and boys clean tidy do cooking and laundry. It's a very feminist world in their house but completely unbalanced. Their mom goes out with the new boyfriends and over the last 5 years they have had to deal with 6 different boyfriends coming to stay. At least our house has been consistent. I do know how lucky I was as a child and still am with my parents. I simply cannot imagine how it feels to be them

I may come across as passive but it's not just me in the whole thing. It's like a game of chess

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