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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I trust hubby?

13 replies

YumyumPB · 28/01/2017 20:06

Hi I'm writing here because I don't feel like I can talk about this with anyone in RL...
Background, married with 2 DC. Generally a really great marriage, hubs has been supportive and we have lots of fun and laughs together. BUT... about 2 years ago I found visits to a sex chat site on the family pc. There was also payment to this website in hubbys account over a period of 6 months. He denied using it and said he thought it was his pc savvy ex best mate trying to wreck our marriage - this friend was a tosser who used to scrounge off my hubby and had used his debit card/account details in the past (MIL confirmed this) and was very jealous of me when I came along. This person sees me as the reason for hubs and him falling out, when actually hubby just had enough of him. I believed my husband and life went on as normal. Fast forward about 6 months and I found a snapchat picture of a naked girl (not just porn-she looked too normal) on hubbys phone- he again said it was ex friend messing with him. Again I said ok. A couple of days ago I found visits on the laptop to a site for sex chat and escorts and we had the same talk... I did find some weird entry on the code writing platform on the laptop from a date and time when we were both together and miles away from said laptop so I'm really torn... it looks like someone has accessed our computer remotely. But I have also since found hubby has been keeping a small financial issue from me (a credit card had a missed payment)- he says it's because I've been stressed and he didn't want to worry me. He's been working away every week for a couple of months so I don't know what the hell to think. He's been very good at calling me regularly etc but the seed of doubt is definitely there... I love him so much and he's been such a supportive wonderful man- treated me and the kids so well but I don't want to be an idiot. What the hell do I do?!

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 28/01/2017 20:10

Ask him to report said friend to police?

Ilovecaindingle · 28/01/2017 20:11

All I can hear are loud alarm bells. . Sorry.

QuiteLikely5 · 28/01/2017 20:11

What is a 'code writing platform'

MegFlyAway · 28/01/2017 20:14

So 2 years later some 'ex friend' is still trying to cause trouble? Why hasn't your OH gone to the police about this?

esk1mo · 28/01/2017 20:17

does your DH have snapchat?

Stuffedshirt · 28/01/2017 20:18

I don't believe a word he's saying.

Original poster
YumyumPB · 28/01/2017 20:19

Hi all, yes I'm trying to work out whether the alarm bells are real or not... The code platform is basically the window you can open on any computer to manually enter code for programming- it showed an entry for an odd date and time as I said before. But I'm only guessing - my knowledge of computers is fairly good but not whizz kid level. As for not reporting it, we did try but they basically just fobbed us off. This ex friend does have a personality disorder and was using my hubs to find his lifestyle for a while.

OP posts:
Patriciathestripper1 · 28/01/2017 20:21

Could be the freind but after 2 years??
He also could be a Pervy lying cheat.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/01/2017 20:27

" it looks like someone has accessed our computer remotely."
Then take it to a reputable computer specialist and have it checked out. If it's compromised, they can fix it. If it's clean, it's your husband who needs fixed.

esk1mo · 28/01/2017 20:31

if he has snapchat i would ask him if you can look at his contacts. also on iphone you can check the battery section in settings and it will tell you how long each app has been used, if he claims not to use it or have it , it will still appear in that section if recently deleted. otherwise look at his app store downloads, there might be some apps there, again if he denies having snapchat it might have a little cloud icon which means he has downloaded it before.

other than that id suggest he orders replacement bank/credit cards if he is so convinced it is his ex friend. but i agree with other pp that alarm bells should be ringing. how old are your DC? could it be one of them?

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 28/01/2017 20:35

Report the friend

Ask to see a credit card statement and full history

However the fact that I was doing that would make me think long and hard about my DH (you're going to have to use DH as hubby is just so off it hurts)

PaterPower · 28/01/2017 20:52

What's your primary concern here op? That he's accessing porn or that he's cheating on you? Is the porn a deal breaker in and of itself or is it the (potential) lying?

PaterPower · 28/01/2017 20:57

If there's any chance at all that someone is able to remotely access the family laptop then change the password on your router and wifi and make sure all the anti intrusion settings on your AV software are enabled and set high. AVG do free AV for mobiles too - get your husband's phone covered.

I'd also echo what pps have said about changing bank and cc cards, although these should have been changed by now if it's been over 2 years.

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