If you have a chronic illness ... friendships

[Trilling]

Have name-changed for this.

Have ME/CFS. I have some times where I'm under part but as OK as I can be, but have alot of periods of horrible sickness that few people see, where I'm too ill to do anything. Generally, its restrictive and its pretty debilitating in terms of physical activity and also work.

I think its not the only thing, but it has had a real impact on my friendships and relationships. Either people ignore that I have this illness. Or they just talk about themselves a lot, one friend to such an extent that I felt it was insensitive, and I've distanced myself. I have few contacts and friendships left. Even if I was No. 1 healthy person I am sure I would struggle with some aspects of friendship. Its just with a chronic illness, they seem to be magnified. I feel I have to make my own inner life very much, if that makes sense .... but I do crave fun and friendship occasionally.

I would love to be alone. I love my children but raising them is hard work, they are all special people who I am very proud of but they are all from abusive relationships and I am the one who keeps them safe from a lot of that and helps them manage it and it is very hard. I can't rely on my family because they are also toxic and abusive and more people I have to keep dc safe from.

Being alone would just make everything so much easier.

I have fears having watched how my parents treated my elderly grandma and my disabled aunt.

Also how they treated me in the past and present. I left severely abusive xp who had got me pg by raping me, they supported him with his court case for access to DS which was ruled vexatious by the magistrate (he was made to apologise for saying 'the worst things you can say about a woman never mind the mother of your children' in the final judgement and no order was made) and when I couldn't afford a cot for newborn dd as he wouldn't contribute and had left me in debt they made me clean their house for £20 per week while heavily pg, newborn and toddler so I could earn the cot...

They have done similarly with my lovely 92 year old gran. Punishing her for not being able to do things for herself and making her pay them for things...

And I have seen the LA plans for the future of SS with all these cuts - they involve shifting all the responsibility onto families...

I've already experienced this with dd

I guess that's what I mean about complexity and CBT.

Just getting me to change my feelings about accepting help could be very bad because the people I am surrounded with (apart from friend) are toxic and have proven that over and over and over again with me and with other people.

And every single time I have asked for help or given them chance after chance they have fucked up and made things worse. I had just got to the point where I was learning to accept that I needed to not hope for them to be supportive and stop getting my hopes up re that.

Just glad if people have found this thread helpful. I wrote it in a moment of frustration, and was surprised at the level of response.

So much of what people said resonated and although all the posters were different in their own way, I felt I really understood and appreciated where they were coming from, and I could have written any of them (which is strange in itself).

Perhaps its help me realise that trying to cope with and manage our difficulties is something we should be proud of, and give less credence to what others think.

All the best xx

Offred I would hope that no one would ever try to convince you to accept help from people who are toxic and abusive.
But as you said yourself, yur friends aren't. Would you be happy to accept help and support from them instead of family?

No one has ever said that the only people that could help you is family.

YY about the dire state of our Social Services and the fact support is moved towards families. And about the fact it doesn't take into account the fact that those families are Maybe at the root of a lot of issues in the first place. That will make it hard on a very practical pov.

God offred i really have no words what you and your children have gone through is horrific. ((hug))

yes... social services re my dd know EVERYTHING and still gave all the following stupid advice - 'have you considered getting back with x?' 'You need to rely on family, you just have to' 'couldn't dd go to stay with your mum when she meltsdown?'

Have no faith in them at all now, not least because they have made 8 appointments with me and failed to turn up, have only done two visits in 9 months, failed to follow up after putting dd on a CIN plan and are now not even returning my calls or the calls of school and other services who are supporting dd.

They also had someone else's referral noted in with mine. A person who had drug and alcohol problems and had had their kids taken off them by family and announced this info to DD school in meeting then showed me notes agreed was not me but never apologised or corrected misinformation with other professionals and have pretty much never been seen again.

It is a heap of shit.

I was abused by my parents as a child. Spent years homeless and being abused by various men etc. Just sick of it now.

Makes no sense what they have said 'dd can't see xh because of emotional abuse' 'you should get back with him'

I have one friend and she has her own shit life - abused in childhood, abused by men, currently being subjected to repeated court applications by nuts ex who once abducted the dc when drunk, just left another abusive man who had escalated to pushing her around and is now texting hourly to call her a fat dog and demand money and two kids on the spectrum awaiting diagnosis.

She would help but to her detriment I think.

And I am exhausted and just don't feel like I can deal with making the necessary complaints etc

I have just burnt out and want it all to stop right now.

And I very much hope that is a temporary feeling but it almost feels like I shouldn't dare to hope that.

And in a lot of ways I have just had so much responsibility. It was me who got my grandma out of her 4 bed house and into a one bed flat above my parents, then me who had to step in to stop them abusing her, me who had to care for my mum when she was ill and stop my dad abusing her...

It just never stops...

My three siblings have either moved away, or in my brother's case, has his own issues and he is still dependent on them/his wife and he gets support from them because as the youngest and the boy he is the golden child.

They have been paying his rent for example and now have helped him and his wife buy a house.

They have an empty flat they wouldn't let me move to when I split from xh because hey felt I should be independent. I got so down being knocked back by landlords for 18 months and having to stay in xh's house I did actually try to kill myself about two years ago at which point they gave me money and agree to be guarantors so that I could leave and so that I wouldn't live in their house.

They think the suicide attempt was about extorting money from them though.

It's just an absolutely fucking endless treadmill of shit with so much anger and resentment that I have to put to one side every single day to be 'lovely mummy'... which I do and then because I do get told 'you cope so we can't help'.

Sorry to just fill up the thread with all this shit but you see why 6 sessions of CBT made me just feel

all sounds really hard for you xx just wanted to offer a hand to hold

it does get easier - it really does

sending a hug x

Offred this just all sounds awful. It's not fair, none of it.

Keep venting on here if it helps x

Thanks guys... 😣

Dont mean to be such a downer!

Today was a pretty 'well' day in actual fact - have not slept at all, just a headache all day. Managed to clean the house! 👏

Not gonna off myself any time soon! It does help having a rant. Apologies everyone, really uncomfortable about making this thread all about me.

You're not making me uncomfortable and I'm sure say same for the others. So don't say sorry, you've no need x

Glad you've had an ok day

Hand to hold here to it just sounds awful such cruel people in your life im so sad this is happening to you x