DS dislikes boyfriend, what should I do?

[Mintychoc1]

Bit of background.
I'm a working single parent to 2 boys, ages 7 and 11, both conceived by donor sperm, so no father has ever been around. I've had negligible social life since DS1 was born, which has been fine with me - I was happy to spend all my free time doing stuff with my kids. The day trips out etc started to dwindle a couple of years ago, as all they want to do is watch and play football, so that's how we spend our time. All good.

Nearly a year ago I met someone, and we get in brilliantly, both of us see a future together. I have tried to take it slowly with the kids, gradually introducing the idea of me having a boyfriend.

The DCs met him a few months ago. It started as just the odd meeting here and there - both boys play football so he comes to watch their matches (used to be a coach himself) - and he has joined us on a couple of days out. In the last few weeks he has stayed over twice. The rest of the time he just comes over 3 evenings a week while the DCs are asleep, and we sometimes have a day off work and spend the day together while the DCs are at school. They know about all this, but obviously on those occasions they don't see him.

DS2 likes him, but DS1 doesn't. He can't give a clear reason, just says there's something about him he dislikes, but says he thinks he tries too hard to be friendly, doesn't like the fact that he's quite jolly and jokey, and doesn't want him around.

DS1 is being really stroppy at the moment, about everything, and every argument ends with him telling me he'll never be happy while I'm still with my boyfriend. Homework, bedtime, getting ready for school etc - every single mini conflict ends with him ranting and crying about how I've ruined his life by having a boyfriend.

Friends and family have advised me that I shouldn't pander to this, that I should carry on with my relationship, and that DS1 will just have to adjust. But I feel so guilty, and worry that maybe I really am ruining his life.

Any thoughts?

I swear my son went to bed at 10 a loving caring little boy and woke up at 11 a different child. I think it's just a tricky age for boys, especially ones that aren't used to a man around.
My son was 14 when I eventually met someone and he was like a dog with a bone at first. Everything was almost like an alpha man power struggle.

Thankfully my bf (we married but later divorced although my son is still friends with him) was a kind and patient man and rode it out.
We still kept contact as normal and eventually he came round, they also had a common interest and my bf really focused on that. We just made it clear to my son that it was OK to feel confused and angry sometimes but that we loved eachother and was going to remain together.
I made it clear that his place in my life hadn't and wasn't going to change but that it was only fair to be polite and nice to someone who was trying be nice to them. My advice would be to try and not be drawn into an emotional disagreement with a child. Shut it down completely when it isnt relevant to what you are talking about. Explain that you are happy to talk about it with him and listen to why he feels upset or angry but that only once he has 'cleaned his teeth' or 'completed his homework ' (insert whatever it is you are disagreeing about at that point).
Be open and approachable with him and understand that this is going to be v hard for him to get his head around but I would also advise to be firm when explaining that you are allowed to have friends.

i dont know if anyone else has suggested, but maybe they should spend a little more time together? 10 mins every week isnt nearly enough for your DS to form a real opinion. What about going to a football match together? Maybe a big team, something that he doesnt get to do often. Then he might start to associate your boyfriend with good situations, rather than knowing you are spending time with your boyfriend away from your DCs.

fyi i meant together all four of you, not just the two of them.

or start smaller like a bbq in spring, or breakfast one morning? or a takeaway or go see a movie.. just my two cents

Thank you everyone. A real mix of replies. Some saying I should see him more, some saying less. I have actually suggested counselling to DS and it was met with tears and shouting. DS knows about his origins, we've discussed it many times, and we have books from the donor conception network too. I've always told him he can ask me about it any time he likes, and if he's angry about it then that's OK.

I wish I had a crystal ball and could see what the end result would be depending on what I do.

Yeah, that's really tough about parenting.

I think we can all only really try our best to do what we think is best and hope it works out with things like this.

My main thing with parenting is trying hard not to fall into a trap of pathologising what turns out to be 'normal' bad behaviour and making a big deal essentially out of nothing (which is what my parents did - went nuts all the time). But I'll only find out whether it was right or wrong when it is too late to change!

I think you have two choices here. If you split up with your boyfriend because of your DS's reaction, you will have the same problem if you meet anybody else and will essentially be single (at least) until he is an adult. That is, of course, a perfectly possible option. Otherwise I think you should continue just as you have been - don't feel that you have to see him less or your DS will think his reaction is slowly getting him somewhere. I sympathise with your DS hugely because he is at an age where lots of things are changing and this is another big thing to throw into the mix. If you carry on seeing this man, you just need to show him through what you do that he is not losing you and hopefully he will come round.