Left him but he still abuses me

[woodencar]

My ex abusive partner is very emotionally abusive an treats me with derision and contempt,
He messes me about and cancels arrangements regarding our dc last kind minute, then when I stand up to him and tell him that his behaviour is not acceptable he either feels sorry for himself or ridicules me and calls me a stupid bitch and tells me to f** off.
It's like he is angry because he feels he is the one being treated badly. I.e. I am pulling him up on his behaviour.
I really don't know how to cope with this any more he is such a cruel bully, but how do I protect myself when he is the father of our child and I need to maintain that contact.
All through our relationship he picked me up and dropped me and got an ego boost from upsetting me and playing with my feelings. It's like he still has some power to do this and I am so angry with myself for allowing this to be the case.
Sorry if this is a ramble I just needed to rant

Does he actually want to see the DC?

Are there court arrangements for his access to DC?

I think you need to seriously limit contact to the bare minimum.

Stop contact between you and him. When he collects your child have someone else there fo do the hand over and same and pick up. Ignore anything he messages that isnt crucial. Keep everything.

And you need to detach. Stop all phone calls, communicate by text/email only and develop a steely, 'Don't mess with me', persona. Don't engage with his nonsense, meet his questions with questions of your own, not answers. Don't divulge any personal information, hold your head up high, shoulders back and fake it 'til you make it.
You can do this. Be strong, be confident, never lose your cool and practise being the totally awesome person that you truly are.
And you'll put him back in the box labelled 'TWAT' where he belongs.

How old is your DC? I had to stop contact with my ExH due to EA when he collected/dropped off the kids. My DC were old enough to see themselves out.....I stopped going to the door. All arrangements/times etc were arranged through the kids themselves so he had no reason to contact me.

"I really don't know how to cope with this any more he is such a cruel bully, but how do I protect myself when he is the father of our child and I need to maintain that contact"

Why do you need to maintain that contact? Because he has said so?. I think it would be in your children's interests not to see this individual who has been and continues unsurprisingly to be abusive to you as their mother.

If he wants contact with his children (and he is purely using the children as a further means of getting back at you as "punishment" for you leaving him, he knows your weak points all too well) then formalise all access arrangements on a legal basis through the court system.

Controlling men do not let go of their victims easily and you are all still being played like violins by him.

I would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft and enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this is for people who have been in abusive relationships.

Thank you for your replies and advice, dc still very young.
I keep falling into that trap of thinking he is going to be reasonable and pleasant, whenever he decides to be halfway decent to me.
So then I let down my guard and low and behold he ends up being nasty again.
I really really need to stop that.

Does he call you a stupid bitch and tell you to fuck off over text?

Agree with PP you have to stop engaging. Imagine he is just an annoyance you have to deal with, like an irritating neighbour. But you have to stop caring what he says or does.

You need a set contact schedule. If DC are old enough to do this with him direct the do that and don't get involved. Handovers at the door (you don't have to be there/around if DC old enough) and minimal contact.

If he cancels, don't respond. Why are you still trying to tell him he's a shit human being? He doesn't care and will never care. If he calls let it go to answer and then don't call him back. If you have to respond, eg to say yes, next Tuesday is fine, just text it.

Minimise contact, detatch emotionally.

The key (for me anyway) was to not create the opportunities to do that. So he can't come into the house. (The DCs being around didn't make him moderate his behaviour, indeed it made him worse). I've had to work really hard to put boundaries up (which he tries to ignore). He called me names infront of the DCs so I retaliate and put him in the victim role, me the persecutor so I'm te bad guy.

Therapy has helped me enormously.

I need to maintain that contact. - no you don't. If he wants contact with his child, it's up to him to maintain that contact, not you.

You are doing your dc a disservice by thinking they need contact with such a df over the mental wellbeing of their dm. Give yourself a break and enjoy giving your kids some dm time instead. Tell him to seek legal advice as you will no longer be facilitating contact.

It's really bloody hard OP.

Like, IloveCain, I would question "contact" of your children with a "very abusive" ex in the first place.

Perhaps you need to get legal advice on this?

Perhaps WomensAid could help? A solicitor?

really don't know how to cope with this any more he is such a cruel bully, but how do I protect myself when he is the father of our child and I need to maintain that contact.

No you don't. Don't contact him, don't respond, don't call him out on anything. It is up to him to maintain contact not you.

Thank you all again for your good advice.
I can't believe I spent so long with this horrible human being.
What was I thinking
I have clued myself up on domestic abuse since leaving him but he still manages to make me feel low and really pushes my buttons. He is expert at it.
I struggle to understand why someone would want to be like this.

It's the laughing and derision that gets me. But yes, I need to draw stronger boundaries.

Because I think we hold onto hope that they can be the people we think they could be. Sadly they will
Never be.

They never change.

Don't respond to any emotional texts. Be cold and concise and only engage on child contact arrangements. Anything else ignore ignore ignore.

You don't need to speak to him. Any handovers you can do a cursory nod and shut the door.

As little contact as possible is the only way to protect yourself xxx

Thanks again for your messages x I'm definitely determined to keep him away and ignore.
It's also understanding his true motives and facing the reality of what he is - an abuser. I often get sucked into his 'nice' phases and this is where I fall down.