cheat

[no1]

I am having an affair, i have tried to end it but he has told me he will tell my dh if i do, i am scared as i do not want to leave my husband but the other man is his best friend. I feel terrible and cannot sleep, eat etc. My children are suffering as i am moody, he makes me have sex with him, if i don't then he will tell and i will lose everything and hurt so many people. HELP

You need professional help, he is blackmailing you! Not only are your children suffering SO ARE YOU!
He is manipulating the situation. Stop sleeping with him immediately.
You need to take control of the situation, deside what you want!
Be big and brave, and get some help!

First of all, sorry you are suffering like this no1. My feeling is if this man is your dh's best friend he is unlikely to tell him about your affair - after all, that will result in exposing himself as a cheat too and would ruin the friendship. So I think he is probably bluffing.

He is blackmailing you and as far as I can see the only way to deal with that is to call his bluff or take the power into your own hands and tell this man that you have decided you want to end it and you are planning to tell dh yourself.

I bet he'll run a mile. But if he doesn't you have to be prepared for the consequences if dh does find out - worst case scenario planning. I hate to sound harsh, and I'm NOT judging you here, but when you have an affair you must always be prepared for the consequences (know this from experience myself so please be assured I'm not getting on my high horse!)

sharry, i have been through a lot in my life and it is not that easy to say no to someone this close (he is like a brother to my dh), he is just divorced and i stupidly felt sorry for him one night while my dh was away, i am totally to blame, but he is making it difficult to end, i believe that in his metal state he will tell. My dh will KILL if he finds out.

no 1 - would dh definitely believe his best friend? would you consider lying to dh if you thought you could get away with? If you are seriously afraid of violence from DH if/when he finds out, I think you need to start making plans now to get out, even if it is just finding out details of a local refuge/women's aid organisation.

no no dh would never hurt me, but would damage his best friend, and for what? me? i can't put him through that, he has not done anything wrong, he is very caring, fun and a great dad, this is why it is so hard, he is not violent but i know that he would kill if he found out (he has very strong views on the subject as his mother cheated and his father spent time in prison for it) also my family and friends wouldn't be too forgiving.

If dh is far more likely as I understand it to inflict violence on his best friend than on you (and presumably his best friend will know his views on this one!) then I think his best friend would not be so stupid as to tell all to dh, notwithstanding his threats. You can't carry on letting the best friend manipulate you like this- this situation could carry on for years.

you are right, he definately knows his views on this ( his best friends wife left him for another women) when it happened we stood by him and my dh was really angry, he could not understand how his best friend could be so calm about it (he admired him for it though) but was really angry and upset. I think maybe he will not tell but i am worried my dh may have an idea something is going on. I have to go now, dh is calling me, don't want to give him any ideas, thanks for asll the advice, be back in the morning for more advice. Thanks

no1 - it seems to me that he is co-ercing you for sex. Just because you willingly had sex with him once does not mean he has the right to make you do it again, by force or by emotional blackmail. That part is NOT 'all your fault'. He is playing on your sense of guilt and drumming the pride and self-esteem out of you. I agree with Sharry that it might help to seek professional support NOW, to build up your own strength.

If you do feel up to calling his bluff, make it clear that if he continues to pressurise him, you will tell the police, and that he will lose a good friend, your dh.

I am so sorry - you are in a horrible situation.

A holiday may do you the world of good. Give you and dh the opportunity to reconnect, while breaking the hold of the 'other man'. Alternatively if you needed someone to talk this through relate are excellent, and they would talk to you first, then try and address the issues that this brings up. It is sad to say but if your relationship was working succesfully this may of not happened in the first place.
Take this as an opportunity for you to decide what you want in life, to make YOU happy.

I would tell your dh this man has tried it on with you a couple of times, so you feel uncomfortable around him. Hopefully, this won't be enough to cause them to fight about it, but will be enough to cool the friendship between the two of them down.

Alternatively, have a chat with the friend. Say you're sorry he's been cheated on, and you realise he feels bad, but he's making your life a misery by blackmailing you. Reassure him that you and your dh will be there for him, and the affair can be forgotten about if it all stops now. If it doesn't then you'd prefer him to just tell your dh because you can't carry on betraying your dh any longer.

It must be so awful living like that, I really hope you get something sorted out.

what a complication no1.. i can't give you any advice on this one but the first thing i thought when reading your posting was that you are probably having problems with dh before the affair started otherwise you wouldn't have done it, not when you have so much to loose. And no, they are not best friends, if they were nothing like this would have happened. You need to distance yourself from this other man, be brave and tell him it's all finished and there's nothing he can do about it. If you feel you are being harrassed, consider contacting the police. You must seriously consider a possible separation from your Dh because i don't see how you can go on like this feeling so bad with yourself. He is likely to find out at some point, isn't he? Ask yourself how bad do you want to end this affair? What is worse: continuing a relationship you do not enjoy (pressumably) indefinetly and risking being found out everytime, or dh finding out and you ahving to leave. Are you more worried that dh's friend would get seriously hurt by dh or are you more worried dh could get himself in serious trouble with the police by hitting his friend when he learns the truth.? These are the sort of questions you need to find an answer to yourself and then make a decision. As a personal view, i would say be firm (rude if necessary) to this other men, end it completely and hope dh will never find out and get on with your life. Would you go as far as moving house to get away from this friend? Or maybe there is something you know about your friend with some proof, which would put him in a delicate position if dh was to find out about you two, use it to threat this man to support your decision of ending the affair. I do hope you'll get is sorted soon and get your peace again.

Thanks everyone for all the advice, we are planning to move in the near future, not too far, but a good enough distance and we are off on our hols next week! can't wait, feel better today as the holiday gets closer and the friend is away as of tomorrow (with the lads!) so i won't have to think about it for a while, i love my dh and there wasn't really anything wrong in our relationship, he was away with business when it happened, and i had had a few too many glasses of wine, i really just felt sorry for the friend and let things go too far ( i had never looked at him in any other way before that night) I just hope he meets someone while he is away!