DC told Exh that my boyfriend is "calling [dc] names"

[thestamp]

DC in question is 4.5 years old. Eldest child.

Exh phoned me today with "very disturbing news" and explained that DC had been mumbling about someone calling him names, exH asked DC to explain, DC came out with "mummy's friend calls me names" and then refused to say more, had a sad face and gave a few sobs. ExH does know my BF's name, so knew who DC was referring to.

... the punchline being that my BF has never even met DC. We've only been dating exclusively for 4-5 months, though we knew each other/dated casually for a year before that. I have taken things, and continue to take things, VERY slowly. I have no plans to introduce, tbh.

I assume DC is doing what small children do in a divorce situation, where they push some buttons and see what comes out in response. But exH has taken this very seriously.

I told exH that I wasn't sure where that had come from, and that BF had not met DC for this very reason, to prevent any misunderstandings/hurt feelings.

EXh responded as he usually would to me, which is to say he thinks I'm probably lying because "what DC says isn't lining up with what you're saying", and then changed the subject a bit to how I have previously made "unfortunate mistakes" (e.g. miscommunication of pickup times at Xmas break - I documented the plan in an email, exH insists I made a different arrangement with him verbally) and that he's now "seeing a pattern of worrying behaviour".

I kept calm and reiterated that if the problem was that DC might be mistreated by my BF, that I had already taking preemptive steps to prevent that, by not introducing them. And that if Exh had further suggestions on how to mitigate the risk, that I was open to them. Ditto the problems around pickup times being miscommunicated. (I have suggested a shared parenting app for single-source communications... he's refused so far.)

But he says he "has a plan in mind" for how things have to change. I said I was happy to hear him out and we can go from there because I am more than happy to be flexible and accommodating - he is a good father actually, and even better since I left the home he just thinks I'm the worst person in the world and that colours everything. So we are meeting tomorrow to discuss.

I am so tired of this shit. I've not done anything wrong have I? What should I do? Nothing, just leave it? Refuse to talk about it? Keep engaging calmly and just document and then go to a lawyer?

My head is a mess. Any advice welcome.

Had the meet. He had some asks re contact which I agreed to. I gave him my asks. He spent an hour telling me how shit I had been as a mother the past year.

I constantly redirected him to tell me what he was asking for, not just his opinions of me... Eventually it came out "you are constantly fobbing DC off on your babysitter, you have to ask me first" (I have a sitter 4 h a week to cover HIS time... As a favour to him... He's basically saying he now resents that I don't cancel my standing plans and do childcare at that time too.)

He's asking for right of first refusal for all childcare, eg if I need coverage during my parenting time. Which I said sure. I said that I hadn't typically asked because I can tell he feels inconvenienced and it's not his responsibility. "Well it is an inconvenience to me, but SOMEONE has to take responsibility for the DC if you won't" etc. Lol.

So, I've got him to agree to my asks in principle which is great.

From now it's email and text. I can't be in contact with him. He will try to control every little thing he can find.

He says the "worrying pattern of behaviour" is me being late (actually no time agreed - learned my lesson there) in Jan 2016... Asking him for a half days help in August 2016 on our son's birthday because I was trying to juggle visiting family and the fact that I was nearly broken by the fact that I didn't have DC for that day... And Xmas 2016 pickup problem which again IS IN AN AGREED EMAIL but that he insists I overruled verbally...

Surely that's actually not a worrying pattern? I've done absolutely everything by the book except for, arguably, those times??? I've done school reg, organised doctors appts, done all the music and sport classes diligently... I even paid for everyone including him to go on holiday together last year.

He's mental isn't he? Just plain abusive

Please someone tell me if I'm seeing this wrong!

Shameless bump. Need a reality check

Stop. Deep breath.
Don't you dare use him instead of the babysitter. This is just another way of him knowing what you do in your life.
Don't pay for him to do anything.
Email or text is good keep them all. Get another phone or no so you only have to deal with the shit. Once a week.
Document everything. Record any phone msg from now on.

Of course it's not a worrying pattern. Criticising you is his way of controlling you. It makes him feel empowered.

Don't meet him again, stick to texts and emails and if he tries to get you to talk on the phone or meet up to discuss his 'concerns' - DO NOT ENGAGE.

Worrying pattern - two miscommunications over a year.

Yes yes he is an abusive arse. No experience here but I would take a witness to all further convos. Yes get a separate phone. No, do not use him for babysitting. Yes Yes see the name calling accusation as a Massive Red Flag re your new bf and don't introduce new bf to the dcs until the ex has someone else to torture.

He sounds insane. Good luck

Oh my! He wants first refusal so he can insert himself into every aspect of your life and then probably use it against you at a later date. Please don't go along with this.

I take it he backed down in the name calling? I'm wondering how much he is questioning your son when he has them.

Next time he mentions any 'concern' over your mothering skills tell him to take you to court if he is that concerned.

Thanks for the reality check. Truly. It's helped me get my emotions under control.

Solicitor has advised to allow first refusal and if he kicks off, have him kick off via email, and then use that as leverage to remove first refusal from next annual plan.

I'm prepared to do that. I refuse to appear unreasonable, but once he's hanged himself on this rope I'm giving him, that's it.

Dobby, completely on the same page as you about telling him to take me to court if he's so concerned about my parenting. They will laugh him out the door so quickly.

Sent a very business like email with action points today, re getting final agreement for the draft plan. I've got a lot to learn but this is it, he's going to need to wind his neck in.

Luckily I have the resources and smarts to completely outwit him. It's sad because I wanted it to be amicable but he's now overplayed his hand substantially.

Tell him to put his fucking change plans in an email and you will read them and get back to him.
He is fucking with you and trying to control you and making things up to mess with your head.
Don't fall for it.