I want to hate my mother I really do, but I'm literally so weak I even speak to the person who raped me because I feel bad ignoring him as he is my mums friend and he had words with her about me being rude in front of everyone at the salon (black family so the salon is like a home away from home) I now avoid it. Anyway going off course.
I grew up in a toxic home, step father was a drug addict who often left me home alone at a very young age whilst my mum was out getting pissed. They'd both come back and you guessed it, a big fight which usually involved the police coming round. My mum would wind him up and throw mugs at him and shout 'Hit me then' numerous times before he did. I was usually screaming at them to stop. One time he threw boiling water over me and my mum because I was sleeping in their bed and my mum ordered him to sleep on the sofa.
This must have had an affect on her but she was horrible to me, always belittling me, telling me I was good for nothing, I was a troubled child who ran away a lot and tried to commit suicide for the first time when I was 8. Then many times after that. She'd hit me and make me stay home if I wasn't at school to look after my siblings or clean the house. I had literally no life.
I am traumatised by her behaviour, by the life I had to live. Now she wants me to forgive and forget, it's all in the past now I've moved out she says. It's really not I am deeply hurt by her and not once has she said sorry to me. I still have scars on my inner thigh where she'd burn me with the iron. I still have scars on my wrist from trying to ease the pain. I still have flashbacks from when she tried to drown me in the bath as I was a failure who ruined her life. I was never good enough but now I don't have to be with her all the time practically chained to the house she thinks I'm being unreasonable for not seeing her enough.
But I feel bad, I still love her and I try to put what she did in the back of my mind. I want to be close and I know now she can't control me she won't hurt me but I can't cut her off. I have 3 siblings and 2 of my own DC who need me to be strong and push through. Pretend everything is okay.
I was the bastard child who ruined her life. Her other 3 kids can do no wrong which I resented growing up but now I'm so glad they don't have to go through what I did. She's with a new man now who is quite well off so she is in a good place and quite happy.
WWYD?
mainly getting things off my chest