Staying together for kids?

[FutureMrsRanj]

Just wondering, when people stay together for the sake of dcs is it a good thing? If a husband and wife generally get on ok but the spark is just gone is it damaging for the children and should they split up, live in different houses and give each other a chance at finding happiness on their own/with someone else, or, as they aren't unhappy living together, is it better for the children to carry on as a family unit, perhaps sleep in separate bedrooms but generally co exist as before? Asking for a friend obviously.

I agree with both morris and anutiestella I think. There does seem to be some idealism on here. DH and I would have probably gone our seperate ways if we hadn't decided on a family. But we did, and so we are both highly invested in the relationship. There are some tough times, but also lots of good. But there is a big difference between two people who have decided to stay together and work at things instead of finding someone else, and someone who has completed checked out of the relationship.

FutureMrsRanj

I am sorry you're hurting.

I sincerely hope you can rebuild a better life for you and your children without his daily malign presence in it. You and he need to be apart.

Seek legal advice for your own self; after all knowledge is power.

Staying for the sake of kids might not be a good idea . In my case I have stayed in my marriage for the sake of kids because they were too young but regret now they are big now and understand relationship 12 and 16 . i realise that me and my husband grown apart when they were young i was always on the go sacrify a lot of outings because could not afford babysit he was always enjoy his outing with friends and colleagues me beeing home . Now they are big , things has not change I want someone that i can enjoy myself do things together travel have a meal get back to when we first met which is not the case at the moment he is beeing selfish still goes out all the times without notifying me and I feel that I worked contribute in house he is having fun beeing the breadwining now I am asking for divorce he is surprised of my decision

Don't think there is any right or wrong answer. For every person who says damaged by parents staying together there will be another person damaged by parents splitting up.
Those who stay are teaching children that marriage and raising a family is hard, something you can't just walk away from easily, sacrifice and compromise. Those who leave are teaching its OK to want more out of life, to chase being happy and if done right parent with their divorced spouse amicably and properly.
My parents weren't affectionate but I am sure they love each other. However I always felt I wanted more than that. 26 years with the same man and I am my parents, we rub along but certainly no passion. Nearly left last year and I felt quite energised, but couldn't do it.

Reminds me of going to my friends' parent 60th wedding anniversary. Tearful speeches from them both about how they had found their soulmate, never a cross word and always knew from the very beginning they were meant for each other - for ever.

And their daughters leaning over to each other laughing saying 'do you remember 1976 to 1984 when they didn't exchange a word?'...'ooh and yes the great silence of 1987 to 8!.'

I'm so grateful for the replies. I should make it clear that I am not blameless and it's not so much that DH is abusive, it's almost as though he has no feelings. It's difficult to explain and I think some things may have been lost in translation in the way I have written, making him sound worse than he is, however you have all made some good points. I am going to stay, certainly for now until I have a chance to make it on my own. I work part time but my first step will be to change this and increase my independence and work from there. Leaving seems an obvious answer from the outside but I don't believe my children are currently being damaged and I am not prepared to upset the apple cart at this time. I will make steps to change though, please don't think some of the excellent advice on here has been in vain, I'm not brave enough to walk out on a whim, I have looked at the csa calculator and was shocked at how little I might get from such a high earner so need to make sure I can house and clothe the dcs before anything changes

I'm the same not sure whether to leave or not. It's not an unhappy marriage and we don't argue or snipe at each other. I just find it selfish and I realise we have little in common. My issue is three kids and two have disabilities. Plus I think he'd be a complete bastard if I told him it was over. Plus money is in his name.

Msqueen I feel really similar, it makes me feel so sad. I can't quite tell anyone in RL is part of the problem, I feel likes it's announcing failure. Which is silly I know. The financial thing worries me too

Perfectly broken. - the biggest one for me was a complete lack of affection. I never once saw my parents hug, kiss, hold hands, cuddle or anything else that resembled affection.

There were other things too including dad doing night shift work, no doubt to avoid mum but then not being around for us, both of them drinking too much which got worse over the years, no doubt to numb the pain, silences, sniping, rows, bitterness. You name it, I saw it but I just thought it was normal.

No surprise that I have then struggled with this. I found it odd when I saw bf's parents doing this. I still do when I see couples all over each other on holiday etc. I just don't see this as normal. It has affected my own marriage and my ability to build long standing relationships. I thought it is everyone else that is odd and that my world was normal when clearly it's the other way round.

And yes your kids don't see you have sex obviously although they wouldn't anyway in these relationships as for most there isn't any. However, they do pick up on things that you don't think they pick up on.

Co parenting works best but only and I stress the word only, you have an understanding partner in the first place who is on the same page as you. If your DH is a twat then this won't work well either so you probably can't win.

FMR,

Re your comment:-

"I am going to stay, certainly for now until I have a chance to make it on my own. I work part time but my first step will be to change this and increase my independence and work from there"

All this though is going to take time and I would give yourself a time limit to stick with and to, no longer than that. In the meantime you are all in his crosshairs, particularly your eldest child whom he does not get along with. You cannot also fully protect yourself from your H either.

I would also suggest that if your H decides to sabotage your attempts to increase your independence (which he could well do) then think seriously about leaving sooner rather than later.

A man who has no feelings is a man I would not want to be at all with; his whole demeanour towards you is one of utter disrespect.

Do not further kid yourself that your children are somehow not being emotionally harmed by all this. They are like sponges and learning all the time about relationships from the two of you as their parents. Think very carefully about the relationship lessons you are imparting to them particularly if you are really staying now simply and only because of them.

"I can't quite tell anyone in RL is part of the problem, I feel likes it's announcing failure. Which is silly I know".

Yes it is silly when you think about it. Other people won't really care that your marriage has ended and you do not have to give full details to anyone in your real life circle either.

If anyone has so called "failed" here it is your H by treating you and in turn his children in such a manner.

Why do you state the financial thing worries you as well? Is that because he would want to give you as little as possible re a financial settlement?.

My parents stayed together for us and it was awful. They clearly weren't in love and constantly bickered. Horrible atmosphere most of the time. I would have loved for my parents to each find happiness and I still struggle with feelings of guilt that they stayed together because of us.

So many of the comments ring true. Hope it's ok to join in.
We live in same house but hardly 'together'. I promised myself I'd give it a year last summer and I'm sticking to it. I keep losing king round house and thinking - you can stay, this comes with me... he would be happy to leave things alone. I can't so I need to spell it out. Just working up to it i guess.

Looking around house - must preview sorry