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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH and his contact with EXW - Am I Overreacting?

47 replies

WorriedWifey · 26/01/2017 10:40

Sorry this is a long one, but I'm really upset and need some clarity.

DH and I have been together for 9 years, married for 5 and have a DD(5) and he has a DD (DSD) from his previous marriage.

DH and his EXW split 10 years ago, she kicked him out and moved a friend of his in, who she married and had a child with. They are apparently in a very unhappy marriage (as told to me by a few ppl including DSD) and she has started to contact my DH in what I deem to be an inappropriate manner - especially given that she has made it known that she still has feelings for him and "wishes things were different".

She messages him on WhatsApp every couple of weeks in what I think is an overly friendly manner (they aren't friends and he has no feelings for her at all, so he says and I have no reason to doubt him - their relationship broke down because she cheated a lot and just wasn't a very nice person and he says he would never go back there). She sends him selfies on Snap Chat which I think is weird and she friended him on Facebook though she doesn't actually contact him on there (I know because I check as I have his password, which he knows about and is happy for me to have).

It's all making me feel very uncomfortable given that she detests me and acts like I don't exist (due to a falling out a few years ago which resulted in DSD living with us permanently).

Last night we went out for his birthday tea, and I asked him had he had many texts wishing him a happy birthday (I was giving him the opportunity to tell me if she had messaged him) to which he replied not many, just two off his friends (not from her) and a few Facebook posts (also not from her). I didn't probe as I assumed he would just tell me if she had been in touch as he knows how much it bothers me.

Fast forward to this morning, I had a dream last night that they had been messaging and getting very friendly (yes I know, I obviously have a problem/self esteem issues) so I checked his phone when I woke up and found an "archived" conversation in WhatsApp where she had sent him a birthday message (I snapped a picture because I'm intending to keep a log of all the inappropriate contact just in case). I was so upset I could barely look at him, I told him I was upset that he had lied to me and he just said that he hadn't lied. I text him when I got to work this morning to say that I wasn't upset that she had messaged him, because I knew that she would (she obviously can't help herself) but I was upset that he had lied to me and then deleted the conversation so I wouldn't see it. He replied that she hadn't text, so I sent him the picture I took and he said it wasn't a text, it was a WhatsApp and he hadn't deleted it, only archived it so I could check it whenever I was feeling paranoid/ridiculous....

Am I overreacting? Am I reading too much into this?

It doesn't help that I consider her to be much prettier than me, much much skinnier than me and they have a lot of history which she has admitted she isn't over.

WWYD? Do I demand that he tell her to stop messaging/snapchatting and he delete her off Facebook? Their DD is nearly 17 so they really don't need to be in contact over her do they?

Or do I just leave him to it and trust that he loves me and wouldn't give her the time of day if she were to pursue him?

I also feel sorry for her husband, who is off work with severe depression at the moment. I'm sure he would be devastated if he knew she was messaging my DH as much as she is.

Sorry for the epic post, I'm just really upset and needed to get it all written down.

Thanks for reading (if you made it this far!)

OP posts:

MycatsaPirate · 26/01/2017 15:52

I have no idea why your DH doesn't just block and remove her from all these apps and then just ignore any texts unless it's to do with their DD. And to be honest, at 17, there should be extremely minimal contact now.

Rubberubberduckduck · 26/01/2017 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rubberubberduckduck · 26/01/2017 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EmilyRosanne · 26/01/2017 16:45

If you trust him this would really be a non issue, she texts, he ignores she gives up end of story. I think you will end up pushing your DH away looking through his phone for tiniest shreds of evidence then having a go at him about it, no wonder he wouldn't mention the message from her if you make it clear it upsets you/causes arguments.

No I don't think a birthday message is inappropriate, depending on the situation but if I shared a child with someone and was fairly amicable I wouldn't think it was innapropriate to wish him a happy birthday just because we were no longer a couple.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 26/01/2017 16:49

Look him in the eyes and ask outright if he still has feelings for her.

if he says no, then he won't have a problem blocking her on all social media and his phone.

He's lied to you. From now on he will probably delete anything she sends so you don't see it.

StayAChild · 26/01/2017 17:04

I would be bothered by the fact that he archived the whatsapp chat 'so the OP could read it'. Why not just leave it there with other chats, or delete it?

Patriciathestripper1 · 26/01/2017 17:53

Well just don't apologise OP Treat him the way he treats you.
It's easy to get into a little routine if trying to keep the peace and appease your Dh when you want a quiet life.
He then goes on just thinking he can do and say what he wants because he is always right.
Stamp that out as it always gets worse till eventually everything you do is for him to keep him happy. Don't be a pushover, or you will find yourself so far down you are like the doormat - only there to be walked on.

SherlockStones · 26/01/2017 17:56

Why in the world do you have his Facebook log in information? You sound controlling to be frank.

HerRoyalNotness · 26/01/2017 18:12

She hasn't given up in 10yrs! Your DH has to ask hinself, is it more important for his wife to be happy and feel valued or to keep his ex 'sweet'?

And yes fine, a simple happy birthday message is ok, but if it depends on what she says in them really.

They can contact re their DD, but anyhing else, your DH needs to shut down explicitly, so there is no room for ambiguity.

UnicornButtplug · 26/01/2017 18:27

I think it's a real shame that they can't be friendly just because they are exes. They share a child there is going to be times ahead, wedding, grandchildren, birthday parties, that it would be better if everyone could get along surely?

I still have friendly contact with both my exes. There is nothing between us but I liked them enough once to have children with them, my children love them, why not be friends.

TheNaze73 · 26/01/2017 18:41

She's overstepping the mark, bigtime.

Atenco · 26/01/2017 18:57

She sounds like she is overstepping the mark, but it also sounds like your DH loves you and not her. Don't let jealousy of this foul woman destroy your happiness and possibly your marriage.

AwkwardTurtles · 26/01/2017 19:03

I think you're overreacting. He sounds like a nice chap. They share a child, and they should keep their relationship civil for that reason. You just need to trust him, you set him up for failure by asking if he'd had a text from her, knowing that he would have done, and then you checked up on him. He could have told you the truth, but the question serves no purpose, he can't control whether she texts him or not, so asking probably makes him feel like you're getting at him

Original poster

WorriedWifey · 27/01/2017 09:23

It's one thing for them to be civil but a completely different thing when she's sending him pouty selfies, asking him for midnight chats when she's had a beer or 3 and sending him soppy texts at Christmas (again when she's had a drink) - all of which he tries his best to ignore.

I would have no problem with her if she was civil and friendly towards us both, but she isn't, she hates me and acts like I don't exist, and I genuinely think that she believes she can have him back whenever she wants.

Yes Patricia I am not backing down and apologising, but I'm not going to bring it up again either. I'm just going to let him get on with it and deal with her as he sees fit. I trust him, and I know he loves me and I am not going to let this vile woman come between me and the man I love. I'll just let her try as she's only making a fool of herself

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 29/01/2017 02:12

I like the idea of a cheap PAYG phone for her to contact him on and block her everywhere else. She won't be able to send pics anymore. Would your DH agree to this, to help you feel more secure.

How childish is she... Sending selfies like a teenager.

As DSD lives with you, the Ex won't need to contact your DH for emergencies relating to DSD.

The PAYG phone can be switched off after a certain time (9pm), so none of the silly requests for midnight chats.

It's very annoying that after her cheating ways, she won't leave him alone. She obviously thinks that because her tolerated so much of her wayward ways, she has a chance to get back in. Crazy woman she is.

Original poster

WorriedWifey · 30/01/2017 09:19

Thanks Sandy

I will mention the PAYG phone to him next time she sends something inappropriate...

And yes, she is crazy and annoying!!!

OP posts:

Catherinebee85 · 30/01/2017 09:37

She sounds sad and desperate and I think you need to rise above it. You sound so much better than her, and it sounds as though hubby just wants a quiet life! He's not cheated. ...I don't think he would. He sounds like he just wants a quiet life and that he didn't want to ruin the birthday tea with the text/whatsapp/whatever.

He could be firmer with her though but maybe that would make her more determined/desperate? She sounds like you should view her as an annoyance rather than a risk to your marriage (unless you let her take over) xx

Original poster

WorriedWifey · 30/01/2017 09:51

Thanks Catherine I know you are right and I just need to ignore her

OP posts:

Bct23 · 30/01/2017 09:56

She sounds like a right saddo to me. Personally I would be laughing at her for being such a desperado. Silly cow.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 30/01/2017 10:12

And yes, she is crazy and annoying!!!

To be honest OP you dont sound much different, the guy is in a lose/lose situation. His ex's behaviour isnt going to change how you feel about you, checking your husbands phone isnt going to change how you feel about you.

Wishforsnow · 30/01/2017 10:23

Op you sound very controlling and you clearly have trust issues. Maybe you need to work on your self esteem so you don't get so irrationally jealous.

HelenaGWells · 30/01/2017 10:25

She is likely trying her luck but it seems like he's just ignoring it because that's probably the easiest solution. Not blocking her means they can communicate when they need to re DSD but not responding means he isn't engaging with it.

I don't think there's any reason to read anything into it on his end. I suspect you need to learn to let it go like he does. He married you, he loves you, you have taken in his child as your own by the sounds of it. She on the other hand lied and cheated on him and moved his mate in as she kicked him out. Why on earth would he go backwards?

He has given you all his passwords. He has done nothing. Archiving something doesn't delete it it just removes it so you don't have to look at it. Why would he want to save and look at a message from her? Sounds like he's just gone "yeah whatever" then got rid.

Trust him. Ignore her. She will be delighted if she thinks she's causing issues in your marriage. Don't give her that satisfaction

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