Emotional/online affair

[Eohakann]

I don't post on here but have been a lurker for a while. I really need to talk to someone. I have been so fucking stupid. I have been with DH for 14 years, 2 DDs.

Ok, I joined a Facebook group late last year. A man started messaging me about a shared interest on the group, wanting my input with setting up a business. We chatted on FB and occasionally on the phone. We exchanged photos, he started flirting. I told him to stop because We are both married. He stopped, I'm not sure how on earth it happened but we kept chatting and getting closer over the last month. . Started flirting. He started telling me about personal things that honestly you wouldn't tell anyone.. Last week we discussed that we had feelings for each other and since then we've been having an affair. Messages, calls, video chats,... I have been feeling so guilty but couldn't seem to stop. Today I wrote him a long essay saying it was over and deactivated the Fb account. All the calls etc were done through there so he has no way to contact me.

I don't expect any sympathy. I fully deserve every horrible emotion I'm experiencing right now. I'm a fucking awful person so please don't sympathise, I don't want that.

What I need to know is should I tell DH? I am prepared to suffer the consequences fully and let him make his choice but it is completely over with OM. I have read other threads and some say not to tell DH because it's not fair to offload my guilt onto him, and others say it's only fair to let him make a choice. what do you think I should I do?

I didn't want to include too much info so sorry if I have to drip feed. I have tried to include what I think is relevant. I wasn't looking for an affair, it just happened. I want my marriage and will NEVER let this happen again. Oh and it was a secondary FB account that my DH is aware of if that matters, so he won't question why I deleted it.

Thanks everyone..

OP, I am sorry, I really don't meant offend, I just find the whole affair scenario very hard to read and deal with so perhaps do ignore my advice as I am speaking from a broken family thanks to my dad having an affair and sneaking about for years when I knew he had OW.

If the only thing missing from your marriage is passion then yes I do believe you can recapture that but tbh I think telling him will help you not make the same mistake again, can you honestly swear now you won't do it again, say, in five, ten years time?

A full honest confession might actually improve your marriage in the long run.

This is all a bit dramatic really. You had an 'affair' with someone online from another country who you were unlikely to ever meet. Maybe that was the appeal? Now you feel like you need punishment of some form? You're certainly engaging in self flagellation.

Is there any point in telling your husband? Or are you hoping that in doing so that it ruins your marriage?

We all mess up. What's to be gained by confessing?

I don believe it's necessarily true that it signifies your relationship isn't good enough or that there's something missing. I think it's a little naive to believe that a relationship with one person can fulfill all of your needs.

I think you need to spend some time reflecting on why you think you let it happen and whether the gaps in what you get from your husband are something you can work on and accept. Also I think you need to be honest with yourself about whether you can absolutely guarantee it wouldn't happen again. Do you know 100% that this man can be trusted not to tell your husband?

If you are confident of these things I think it would be worth working on your marriage and making it the best it can be.

You honestly did the right thing in ending it, these things can mess you up, the emotional bond can become very strong and soon you'll be putting all your emotional energy into something that was never real in the first place. I wouldn't tell your husband, see it as a wake up call. Everyone makes mistakes, what we must do is learn from those mistakes. yiu seem very self aware, don't beat yourself up too much, you've done the right thing.

If you have truly knocked it on the head and know why you did it and won't be doing it again then I would keep quiet. The guilt will live with you forever though unfortunately.

I personally think that if you can you should consider having counselling on your own. It will probably help you to identify triggers and work on your relationship. You say you acknowledge it was the wrong thing to do and have ended it. Counselling will help you to learn from your mistake.

My DH had an emotional affair a very long time and I believe we have recovered from it. But it would have been easier for me, if he had understood it and taken responsibility for it straight away and worked through his issues without me finding out. I think I would have preferred not to have known, although I think it has made us stronger because we had counselling.

You know what Eohakann, I would book yourself in discretely for a couple of counseliing sessions if you need someone to get it off your chest to. I did with regards to this 10 year old thing. I am still undecided but this is because its part of generally not feeling 100% . I found it great just to unburden to someone with no vested interest. As my husband said to me he has no idea why he did what he did, everything in life seemed to be going wrong , I was busy and stressed and it was a fantasy thing he created in his head to escape from the shit of day to day. Im not sure if for me Im going to break up or not still in limbo somewhat but life isnt black and white, its grey, and what for some people is a deal breaker is for others no big deallook at the French and how they view affairs, full blown ones too, if you want proof! So I would say, get a bit of counselling, take things steady and see how you feel overall this year, dont do anything rash you may regret and I do think if you tell you may well regret it! I think actually many of us women are often more forgiving of stuff than many (not all) men are. I mean look at the truly appalling behaviour on other threads here that women put up or forgive for years .

Emotional affair is the worst type I think and I think you need to tell him. It's his right to decide what to do from there.

Anyone advising you to take away someone's right to know what there wife Has been up to is being completely unfair. How many lives get ruined from secrets/lies that come out years later. I cannot believe people even suggest you shouldn't tell him and deal with it yourself...the whole reason behind you doing it is because something is missing from your current relationship.

For a lot of people it's the thrill and if that's the case and you truly believe you love your partner then you need to get it all out in the open and tell him exactly what you need and what's missing and maybe he feels the same but been stuck in the routine.

Some people can overcome this and build a much stronger relationship other people can't overcome and inevitably the relationship would break down but not giving someone the choice is just not right on any level.

Beating yourself up about it does not help either the only way to move on is to come clean and discuss absolutely everything so you both understand why you did it and work on ways to ensure it never happens again be it this relationship or any future relationship.

I'm with user14788.. rather dramatic. So you haven't met this person?

Don't tell him unless you want to end the marriage. Put the experience behind you, work on your marriage and move on.

I think you need to be honest. What if om decided to tell your dh? I think that could make the situation far worse 😭

Don't tell him, ur only doing it to make ur self feel better!!! If your staying with him no good will come of u telling him! I made a mistake move on and fix ur marriage!!

I too think an emotional affair is worse than a physical, just in it for a shag affair, or a ONS. I think you should tell him. You might have neglected him during this time and he might be racking his brains wondering what he's done. You need to be open and honest with him, give him an opportunity to decide whether he wants to work on the breakdown of your relationship and save what you had.

It's much better he finds out straightaway from you rather than accidentally finds out a few years down the line.

Don't tell him. What good could possibly come from it? Put it to bed, get on with your life with your DH, we all live and learn. Nobody is perfect and 14 years of marriage is a long time, the remorse you feel shows you still love your husband. Take from it the knowledge the grass isn't always greener and concentrate on your future, be happy.

If a woman had befriended you like this and made you feel good about yourself but then went to far and when you realised you stopped all contact, you would probably tell your husband so you should tell him.
You have not kissed him and as long as you didn't have phone sex then you can explain to your husband that this has made you realise you need to put more effort into the marriage.

I think most physical affairs are also emotional though so it's not like it's one or the other. Very few people just go out and shag without any emotion whatsoever. Lots of affairs start at work when you get to know someone.

I really don't like all the suggestions that something must have been wrong in the marriage for this to have happened. I've never heard someone say this to a man, or the dozens of betrayed wives that pour their heart out on here. Cheaters are cheaters and I'm not sure why the Op is being encouraged to blame her marriage. There doesn't have to be something wrong for this to happen. The likelihood is that she was horny and simply enjoyed the attention (no offense Op)

As for telling, I would. It's possible he will keep these chats and videos for wank/ego fodder. If I found something like this on my pc I would send it to the other betrayed spouse.

There are many posts on this forum where women have found out the oh's are doing similar to what you have done, they are distraught, ripped to bits. The only difference between what you have done and these other situations is that you have not been found out.
It was an affair, simple! You are not protecting your h by not telling him (liars generally say 'I didn't tell you because I didn't want to upset you') your are omitting the truth which is basically the same as a lie. By not telling him you're taking away his choice, you are not respecting him by doing this and you are only protecting yourself.
Your h deserves to know and he deserves a choice in how to spend the rest of his life with you.
You have been very honest and taken on board that this is entirely your own fault but suffering the guilt does not make it ok or let you off the hook with telling h. If I cheated on someone I loved I would have to tell them straight away, I couldn't live with it and I wouldn't be able to stand seeing them oblivious knowing what I had done. Tell him, show him it's stopped and give him his right to make informed decisions.

It seems that there are a lot of perfect people on this thread, or at least some very perfect ideals.

In the real world, people meet people, even when they are already married, and sometimes they have affairs, some times they just flirt. And there are all kinds of other problems in relationships. The trick is to make your marriage work even if you have problems, whatever kind they are. You cannot expect your spouse or yourself to be perfect, people make mistakes, but they also forgive each other. And sometimes they don't tell each other every little mistake they made.

"Informed" decision" - no, it's not! If OP tells her husband then there is one more person feeling bad. This was not an affair, more of a long lasting flirt. Just put it behind you, OP. If everyone who ever flirted had to end their marriage, there wouldn't be any marriages left!

OP, do you have children? If you do, I'm sure they would prefer that kept it to yourself and didn't break up the family.

This is not 'a little' mistake! You don't have an affair by accident! As you say couples can forgive each other, work things out that is what marriage is about.
I am far from perfect and I have made mistakes, many, but this is about the trust that you have in each other and the op has broken that trust and stands to do so further by not coming clean.

i don't think u need to tell him.
you didn't have a real affair imo (i know other people's opinions will be wildly different) i think sometimes we need other humans, not just the one we married, to talk to, properly talk to.
Private, intimate conversations are much easier to have with someone you never have to see in real life, someone u can eliminate at the click of a mouse.
it happens. you meet someone online, or in rl, and they 'get' you. and it feels like feelings, but it's not. it's just stupid.
you feel guilty, and you will, but you only talked to another adult. i dunno, i don't think flirting is a big deal, it's all a bit of banter. behind a screen it's easy to go too far. but don't destroy your lives over it. put it behind you. move forward. with your husband.

Good grief - stop beating yourself up. Blimey. This guy sucked you in - you were vulnerable - he probably had 2 or 3 stripping off for him on his web-cam and had the strategy/technique down to a tee. Learn from the mistake and forget it. But you do need to ask what is missing from your marriage and have a conversation with hubby. Use it as a starting point for some self - examination, but don't tell him.

Thanks so much everyone, especially Adora10. It can't have been easy for you to give me advice and it means a great deal to me that you did.

To answer a couple of questions:

Coffeegrain - no we never met in person (I don't think I would feel any worse than I do now if we had though..)

Also I wasn't specific enough about the video chats. He only ever saw my face, nothing else. Doesn't make it better IMO, but wanted to clarify it didn't quite go that far (although to be honest it would have done if this hadn't stopped).

Anyway, sorry for not coming back sooner but I have been staying off line. On Wednesday night I told him. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I'm not going to go into what happened but it was awful. Then in true DH style, by yesterday he has completely put it behind him and is even joking about it now (which I'm not ready to do...). I'm still not eating or sleeping and he asked me what was wrong last night because I left half of my meal again.. he says I should just put it behind me too but it will take time. Maybe I will look into counselling for me if i still can't function properly in a week or so, but I don't expect it to be easy at first.

I am glad I told him. There shouldn't be secrets like this in our marriage, even if there's no chance of them being found out.

Anyway I think/hope we will be ok, unless he is just bottling up his emotions and it all comes out later. I will leave this thread now as I haven't told DH about it in case I need to come back, and I can manage from here as the decision is made. Thanks again.

Don't tell him.

Honestly, if my husband did something, felt he'd made a mistake and stopped it, having come to the conclusion he preferred me after all, I wouldn't want to know. It taints the rest of the relationship. I'm not going to be thrilled he chose me. I'm going to think he's a cheat for the next 30 years. Or, more realistically, 30 minutes. While he packs his bags. Because I would never be able to get over the knowledge.

However if I don't know, we skip off into the sunset and maybe, just maybe chat about it when we're 70.

I kissed a work colleague once. Like... 12 years ago now. Did I tell him? Of course not. It could have ended the relationship - maybe not then, maybe not a year later, but eventually, once the poison set in, once it had been dredged up in every little fight over the dishes or the hoovering - and, for what? So I 'felt better'? Um, nope. Can't put that genie back in the bottle.

Ignorance is bliss. You didn't sleep with the guy. You didn't even kiss the guy. Seriously. It's a few chats. You will poison your marriage gushing about this. He might not even believe that was 'all it was' and he'll spend the next few years wondering 'What if...?'

Go to counselling if you wish. Address the issues in your marriage (I did.) But I don't think you should confess this at all.