My husband doesn't love me anymore

[SimileMilly]

I don't even know where to start with this. I married my best friend last year and 5 weeks later he was in a serious car accident which almost killed him. He spent a week in intensive care and then several more weeks in hospital afterwards. There were a few times in the first few days we thought we'd lose him and he still has a lot of internal injuries requiring further extensive surgery. 10 days after the accident I had a baby. We also have a 4yo.

As I'm off on maternity leave we have all been living on top of each other since he came home from hospital and after 4 months the cracks were starting to show. We'd have petty rows over silly things that would quickly escalate into him leaving to go to his parents under the assumption I'd kicked him out. He's still off work and until last week was still unable to drive.

On Monday we had a row as he was speeding in our car the second time he'd driven since the crash with our baby in the back. Not excessively but still a good 8mph over the speed limit in an urban area. I know this paints him as an arsehole but its so out of character. On Monday night we had a huge row but also promised to try and talk to each other more instead of bottling things up and agreed to give each other more space during the day instead of spending 24/7 with each other. I thought everything was fine but yesterday he woke up, told me he didn't love me anymore and that our marriage is over.

If the accident hadn't happened (we probably wouldn't be in this mess) I would have assumed he meant such a bold statement but I just can't believe it is over just like this. He's given us no time at all to try and get some normality back. He's still on strong morphine painkillers which are having an affect on his moods. And deep down I think he has some form of post traumatic stress from the crash.

Sorry this is long. I don't even know what I'm expecting really. I'm just so lost and confused and totally heartbroken that he's walked out but also stuck in limbo not knowing if he means it or not.

Did he have a head injury? Even time unconscious can be enough to change brain pathways and alter the person. Sometimes it works for the best, sometimes not. my mum lost her sense of smell and is a little confused at times, but overall a calmer less stressed person; my oh's uncle lost all his social inhibitions and his wife ended up divorcing him. What have docs said? It may be ptsd as well/instead.

He didn't have a head injury but was unconscious for some time. He was also intubated for a while after an emergency surgery just after it happened.

He could well be suffering Ptsd and should really consider counselling. There is a good chance you may be as well, what a terrible thing to happen. If course you can't force him to seek help. Id be surprised if it hasn't been offered tbh.

I wish i had some answers for you, its very sad

How awful for you all. If it's possible (I guess money is tight with him being on sick leave and you being on mat leave) can he go away somewhere by himself for a couple of weeks, or stay with a friend for a fortnight? If you could mutually agree to him doing this so that he has some peace and quiet to think and you both get a break from each other - rather than thinking of it as him leaving in any sort of decisive way - it might mean you can come back together to discuss the support you both need and what you might be able to do. Realise this would be horribly hard work for you with a baby and a 4yo though.

I think you need to take him at his word and start proceedings to separate (I suspect this will lead to him changing his mind). But if it suits you, perhaps let him know your door is still open. This is the quickest way to determine if he's serious or not.

Also, I woke up one morning for my boyfriend of 13 years to tell me the same thing. He agreed that there were no problems, we'd been happy and he still loved me, but he was no longer in love with me. It was devastating.
18 months on I'm very, very happy with my new chapter. If he leaves you, it's only the end of the world for a while.

I think you might need to give him space to recover and find out who he is. This could be trauma which he may recover from with treatment, or it could be a personality change. To be honest, you have had a huge burden of care, and he has had to recover. Sometimes dealing with each other's emotions can be too much. Can you suggest that you separate but have counselling together and apart?

Alternatively, can you and the children go somewhere for a bit - your parents?

You said he goes to his parents when he thinks you have thrown him out. Do you get on with them? Can you talk to them and ask what their perspective is on the whole thing? I agree it seems very early in the day after such a traumatic event to be making big life decisions and if they agree about the possible PTSD etc, could they help to try to persuade him about it?

He's with his dad at the moment. His dad and I do not get on at all (he accused me of stealing his best friend when I married DH and was awful about it all).

He has probably had a huge emotional shock. When you go through something like this, at first it takes away your identity and you are left wondering what is going to lie ahead. He probably feels embarrassed, ashamed and guilty about what happened. Which is no excuse in his behaviour, and maybe you could just spend some time with him away from the kids to help him feel him again; it is probably what he needs.

His dad and I do not get on at all

Maybe not then... Is there a mutual friend who could help? I just wonder whether hearing it from somebody else who isn't as directly involved as you are might make him think.

Sorry should have said help him feel normal again

Are any of you having counselling? This is a huge thing that's happened to you all, and quite often, people run away rather than confront what's disturbing them. It almost sounds like he's tempting fate to do it's worst to him. That kind of outlook can be a flag for PTSD. Is he still under a consultants care? It's worth contacting them about these personality changes, if you consider them such, and they should be able to refer for PTSD. Would it be manageable to see a private therapist?
Don't forget yourself in all this. You need support and help, just as much as he does.

Hi OP, I used to work in intensive care and people can really suffer afterwards with a life changing event (you too). It can be incredibly stressful and can be life changing. I would contact your ICU unit and see if they offer any post ICU follow up. If they don't, suggest he gets in touch with some support groups, like this one www.icusteps.org/

Just being sedated and ventilated can cause long standing problems with sleep and depression. It might not explain how is is with you, but it is a serious event which can effect dynamics. You might also benefit from counselling too.

Good luck.

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Gotta say I find it amusing that the voodoo witch doctor only seems to work on zombies...