If your partner couldn't have children, would you ever leave them?

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I just need to know if my partner is in the wrong or not.

We actually talked about this before we got married. I am 39 he is 31 . We decided that we both wanted children together but if it could not happen naturally we would adopt or foster. (we are pregnant now)
I would not leave him if for any reason natural did not happen and adoption or fostering could not happen.

I'm sorry OP.

We had trouble conceiving. Long term un diagnosed endometriosis (oddly enough it was her back doctor who discovered it after an mri!) which had knackered a tube, hormone levels etc.

We both agreed if it didnt happen we would have a fanastic life without them. As it happened we had 2 naturally be it did take 6 years!

So sorry to hear. Ivf does work trouble is the really good clincs are sodding expensive!

I'm sorry to hear that - we had fertility issues (on both sides as it turns out), but there is no way I'd have left him over it and vice versa. We may have adopted if we hadn't conceived eventually, but 14 years on, we have 3 children. So sorry your partner's done this

I can understand why someone might not want to go down the route of alternative methods of having children tbh.

IVF is a rollercoster which once you're on it can be hard to know wen to say enough's enough, and adoption isn't for everyone. It's a long, emotionally invasive and gruelling process, and I can absolutely understand why someone wouldn't want to do it.

Added to that, given you are unable to conceive, there are still no guarantees if you were to leave your partner to find someone else to conceive with. Bearing in mind that the majority of posters on this thread have come from the point of the partner whose other half can't have children, and have said that they might not get involved in the first place.

Think about what is important to you. Yes, having children is one thing but you are currently in a long-term stable relationship. Is your desire for a baby really worth giving that up for and risking rejection from other men who you tell you can't have children naturally? Very few men would want to have a baby straight away anyway, and even if one agreed there might be alternative methods this is no guarantee that you will ever actually have children.

FWIW I've been here. Me and my now eXH were unable to conceive a second child, and the reasons given were down to issues on his part. At the time he even suggested that perhaps I should leave him and find someone else to have a baby. But I pointed out at the time that there were no guarantees and that although children were in my plans at the time I certainly wouldn't walk out on a marriage because of his inability to father another baby. Where does one draw that line? If e.g. Someone had chemo for cancer which left them infertile before the couple could conceive would the woman be justified in divorcing him because of it? Should he be obliged to pursue alternative methods? Am tbh at the responses on here...

And as it happens, me and eXH split for different reasons, and he now has a baby with someone else, and although I'm past the age of wanting more babies anyway, ironically I am now the one who would be unable to have more children due to my health.

No way.

It is unlikely we will be able to have kids (my problem), he has always said he'd love kids some day (& will be a great dad) so we will cross that bridge when the time is right.

Never once has he even flickered, he has been 100% supportive & consoling at the hard times, never blamed me or criticised me in anyway.

Hugs xx

We are too old to have kids but when we said our vows, sickness and health etc I never expected it to be put to the test just 6 months later when he had a stroke.

We are a team. We just deal with it.

No, I have said that I wouldn't leave him, he wants to leave me, not the other way around.

I've actually lived through this and am still with my husband after 6 years of marriage. If I'm absolutely honest, had we known before we got married then I probably would have walked because it was so important to me and one of the reasons I married him was I thought he'd make an excellent father. But like a pp I believe marriage is for better or worse and the 'worse' (and there's been a lot of it believe me!) has ultimately brought us closer together.

OP you need to know the relationship can bend and compromise otherwise there will only be resentment. DH offered to divorce me, I agreed to numerous rounds of IVF, we tried so many alternatives you wouldn't believe, most of which one or the other of us wasn't super keen on but the openness kept us together and has strengthened our relationship despite no children and a very different life than that which we expected.

I will say it is ok to have doubts though. I spent years having a recurring nightmare that he essentially got run over by a bus and it was biologically too late for me to have children - and I got mad at him in real life! Or, in my worst moments, the 'dream' that he got 'run over by a bus' and I could have a baby by sperm donation but didn't have to face any awful decisions to leave or not. Looking back it was an incredibly difficult period and my mind was seriously twisted at times but my point is give yourselves time. It's ok to not have the appropriate answers or reactions immediately, give each other space and try to keep communication open.

So, he will not consider alternative ways and wants to leave you because he only wants to have his own biological child. TBH, I think you'll be glad in the long run although I'm sure right now you can't see that.

As I said before, my ex married me knowing how desperately I wanted children and knowing that he did not. There were other things that contributed to our split, but I would have left him if that had been the only thing. I know it's kind of the opposite of your situation, but it's still one partner wanting one thing and the other partner wanting another. It sucks and it's shit, but when this happens the best thing is just to let them go and move forward.

No but I would be sad, however I would get over it. I would certainly be open to other ways of starting a family.

I think some people would get bitter and the marriage would never survive.

My DH thought he might have issues because of childhood issues he'd had but I fell for him in a big way. Ironically I actually had problems carrying but after 2 MCs we have two little girls now. Would have found another way or been happy just the two of us.

I wouldn't mind.

I say good riddance to your husband, there are lots of lovely men out there for you who won't care one bit.

I can understand why children can be an overwhelming desire. And why alternative routes aren't for everyone. But if my partner had decided to leave me without even taking the time to consider them in full, I would wonder about whether he was really the right man for me in the first place.

To me, a real partner is someone who deals constructively with the hard things in life. He is handling this very badly.

Oh lovey, sounds like you are having a shit time of it right now.

If his first reaction to your infertility is that he wants to leave you - presumably so that he can go and knock someone else up - then boot him out. Regardless of whether you end up having children or not this is not the man for you. Someone who made vows to you 5 years ago who is now quite prepared to sail straight out of the door because it's not going to work as he thought it would, is someone who is not worth it.

Do not waste any more of your life with this selfish, selfish man. How would you ever trust him if life got really hard? Debt, death, ill health?

Next step is some counselling, to help you come to terms with the news and what's happened in your life. None of us knows what's round the corner and children may feature in your life in the future. If and when they do, you want to be sharing that with someone who loves and supports you - not some fairweather dick who only sticks around as long as it suits him.

I'm really sad for you, OP. I have secondary infertility and have had several miscarriages after I had my son. We had wanted another child and went for tests to find that we both were reproductively challenged and the combination meant that we were extremely fortunate to have DS and I was unlikely to be able to carry another baby to term evenue if I could get pregnant in the first place.

Neither of us considered breaking up, although I accept my situation is slightly different as we do have a child together already. We were not eligible for IVF on the NHS and couldn't afford private treatment, so took the the sad decision to learn to live with just the one. We have recently (16 years on) decided to now just leave it to chance and if it happens it will be great.

Your OH sounds really uncaring

BTW I am infertile, so I can understand the shock you're in at the moment.

You will be better off without him OP. He didn't love you enough. Someone much more deserving will.