scared of my husband

[BigFatWhooo]

He's never hurt me, physically or emotionally. I'm not in an abusive relationship but was in one for ten years. I am just scared of my dh. No idea why though because he's kind and generous and thoughtful.

He does sometimes shout when he gets cross about something - out of frustration I think - but never at me if you see what I mean.

He's really hurt (understandably) by my reaction but o can't help myself.

I wonder if it's because of what happened with my ex? Has anyone else left an abusive relationship, entered a new (safe) one but the fear/uncertainty returned after a few years (maybe because we have a baby now?). I guess I just need some advice!

I had the, I'm not shouting at you, thing too. If someone was regularly shouting in the street outside your house or your neighbour did it you'd be stressed, anyone would. It's emotional abuse.

OP, many moons ago, I had a friend who grew up with very angry, unhappy parent. Constant arguing and shouting. She left home when she was 16 because she couldn't take it. And she was very sensitive to angry outbursts, even when they weren't aimed at her. At the time, my roommate's bf (lovely guy, but not the best grip on his emotions) had a tendency to shout at objects - if he burned himself cooking or dropped something on his foot, he'd shout very loudly. It didn't bother my flatmate and it didn't bother me, but it bothered my friend to the extent that she'd have to leave the room. After this had happened a couple of times, we had a word with my flatmate's bf and he wasn't hurt, he didn't make it all about his feelings. He apologised and, what's more important, he didn't do it again. He'd make strangled sounds or rush out to shout where our friend couldn't hear him. But he never shouted in her presence again. Long story, but sometimes we do things that hurt our friends and partners without meaning to. And that's on us, really, we need to find a way to not do that thing anymore.

I think I understand, but... The thing is, I've not always been like this with dh. He does shout at things and sometimes ds (when ds does something that might hurt himself on like pulling the grate out of the fireplace which is the only thing we use the naughty step for) and occasionally me if I've frustrated him over something. But I'm scared even when he doesn't shout and is just a little cross about something.

We've got financial concerns at the moment and a 15 month old baby and I've been bullied at work so quit and am now unemployed (but I have freelance work and have four interviews this week so don't expect this situation to continue). I guess I'm saying there's a lot going on and I think the problem is with me not dh.

Ah, OK . Well, would a two-pronged approach help? Could you see if you could get counselling for anxiety (people on here generally recommend CBT, but I really have no experience of it, so you'd probably want to discuss this with a professional) and ask him to modify his behaviour? Even if the problem is with you and not dh, it does affect both of you and if he can help to alleviate it, even if he isn't the cause, then he probably should. Sorry to hear you've been going through all this - I do hope things start looking up for you soon.