Newborn baby and husband says thinking of leaving

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In tears and need some support. Don't think am ready to confide in someone in real life though probably need to. Have a beautiful 4 week old. Dh tells me last night he is miserable and thinks maybe we should split up. I don't want this, i still love him but with two dc and being a SAHM I think I need to make plans just in case. I suggested counselling but he said we can't afford it which is true and even if we could get on nhs we cant afford childcare - no relatives nearby. Its not a surprise, he often acts like he hates me and then complains when i dont seek out his company. The way he treats me is not how I'd like DD treated in a marriage and I miss someone being kind. I really would like to work on things but I' m not getting much sleep because 0f the baby and postpartum health issues and I just don't know if I have the energy. While pregnant I organised childcare for dc1 and we spent a few nights away - it was lovely and we got on well, but reality isnt working out. I have health issues which affect our sex life but I want to work on this but he just seems not to be interested in talking about it or compromising - to me it seems he wants things the way they were when first married or not at all. He's a bit like this with the dc too - dc1 is a bad sleeper and he gets so angry when dc needs help in the night and blames me for poor sleeping patterns (i think its just personality). Just dont know what to do or where to start - havebeen SAHM for 4 years. Moved for his job 4 years ago and 2 years ago and his job is pretty good now. I was applying for jobs for over 9 months (unsuccessfully - found had to apply for jobs way below my last salary to get to interview stage after the career break) before fell pregnant (unexpectedly) so have no financial support of own at all - he earns above 40k so dont qualify for child benefits. Just feel so defeated and alone. Hes a good man and a good dad but he does struggle with the day to day - he is unfit and we are both tired all the time, he spends a lot of time surfing the internet on the weekend. I dont want us all to be unhappy and we snipe at each other and its a terrible example for dc1. I just can't face the enormity of this but if hes not willing to try, or doesnt want to what can i do? I think maybe he just wants more attention from me and i do try every so aften but am so tired - did say last night that could give him more time if he helped more with chores, but think he is too tired as well. What a mess, Im so miserable.

Bloody hell, he's not a catch now is he?? Overweight, lazy and cruel.
If I was you, I'd be running to a solicitor to get your free half an hour to get an idea of finances, maintenance etc. I found when my H did this, the panic of the finances was crippling as I'm a SAHM too. I had no idea what I was entitled too.
I'm sure you know this already but you are a very strong, capable woman. You are single-handedly looking after 2 very small children and a house. You can do this alone, and closer to your family which is an added bonus.
You've got this!! Xx

Oh and you'll be entitled to CB, income support and child tax credit along with maintenance so you'll have some breathing space

My partner said all this nearly 2 years when I had a 9 month old and a 3 year old! He had depression! I spent nearly 2 years trying to make him happy, trying to be the perfect family and he has just recently finished with me via text msg after nearly 11 years together!! I wish I'd had the strength to tell him to go when he first said it because now I feel like I've wasted the last 2 years!! It's hard but will be even harder if it happens further down the line!! No real advice but you're not alone

Thank you so much to everyone posting - you are helping to validate a lot of my thoughts and convince me I'm not being unreasonable (he acts like i am a super unreasonable person so i question what i think sometimes). Threatening to leave now when I'm breastfeeding round the clock and struggling with recovering / adjusting to life with a baby is a horrible thing. Sharing that he feels overwhelmed is not horrible but attributing his misery entirely to me and threatening to leave ( even if couched as a 'maybe') is a shitty thing to do to me. Crying now again. What kills me is the effect on my older child who loves her dad. She does notice that we argue and witnessing this must not be good, but i know if we separate it will turn her world upside down. Such a mess. Thanks for the reality check everyone - i will try and sort out child benefit today if the baby lets me! Does anyone know can you claim online?

Sorry to everyone who has been through this, but it's good to hear you survived. DownTown - you're right, I earned the same as him when we had our first baby and I could have gone part time in a permanent job at a big company. I sacrificed for his career and yes, i got something out of it - lots of quality time with the baby - but now I am so much worse off if he does leave. I'd worked at that company for 10 years so they trusted me and were pretty understanding about things like flexitime which any new job probably wouldn't be.

I think really i need to talk to my family - its tough because my parents are elderly and having health issues and i don't want to stress them, but they are mortgage free with rooms to spare and might let me sray rent free for a while st least (would have to disrupt dc1s schooling but that can't be helped if it comes to it). I'd be able to help them with cooking and cleaning and whilst not in the best of health they're well enough to watch a baby or bounce a baby seat while i do housework. It might not work long term but might give me space to sort things out.

I so dont want this to be happening. I wonder if dh doesn't want to do counselling because deep down he knows the counsellor might say some of the things you've all said

www.gov.uk/child-benefit/how-to-claim

I'm so pleased that you realise you are not the selfish one! Having your family as a plan A is brilliant and you are considering your options so hopefully his attitude will be less crushing. Don't let him grind you down! I think I had it relatively easy emotionally as I found him so unattractive (what IS attractive about being a lazy, self absorbed bully?) that I couldn't wait to see the back of him. Your older DC will adjust

Downtown - i miss how he used to be and occasionally still is and the hope is that he'll change but he seems unwilling to even try.

He is a self centred plonker and you are a hero for coping. Too often men resent their own kids, and the time and love they get from their partners, it's not excusable, just an ugly trait.
I'd be telling him to change his idea or go. Your children will love you unconditionally, unlike him..good luck..

Point out to him that counselling, a babysitter, or a cleaner/mothers help is a hell of a lot cheaper than a divorce, second home and paying maintenance while you stay put in the family home till your baby is finished education.

He's on over £40k and won't pay for any of those ideas? Won't not can't I mean? When I had counselling in my 20s it was an affordable rate even on my pretty basic office wage and they had options for people to pay what they could afford if they couldn't manage the whole fee.

He needs to buck up his ideas sharpish or get to fuck. You've just given birth for fucks sake! Stupid lazy self obsessed twunt of a man.

Thanks so much everyone, you're giving me so much support. Random stranger offered to help me today when struggling to get both kuds out of the car and the kindness almost floored me. Feeling so alone. Tried to do child benefit today but couldn't get online form to work so need to buy printer paper and print out. Baby sleeping so i should be too but just feeling so upset and scared and alone......

Also still in pain from birth, keeping me awake. Not bad just niggling but enough to make falling asleep tough. DH hates hearing about my ailments - gets really impatient if I talk about them (i do have ongoing chronic health issues which the birth made worse).am seeing specialist next week. Am just muddling through now but really tough.

Really sorry don't know what to say to help but sending you

Your DH sounds like a self absorbed cockwomble though x

Thanks tempus. Love the word cockwomble 😊

Want to echo other posters about something isn't right with what he earns. He can't be on £40k if you don't get child benefit. It is £60k. It starts decreasing from £50k going down to 0 at £60k. I'm fairly sure it's taxable income too so it is a fair bit over £60k. Pensions etc will reduce the taxable income.

I may be projecting here because my exH was a high earner who couldn't afford to buy his DS shoes but does he have financial difficulties? Maxed out credit cards? Online gambling? Is he pocketing CB whilst telling you you're not eligible? Would also add to his unpleasant behaviour if he was frightened you'll find out/ wants to blame you and the DC to justify his ineptitude. Just a thought.

He sounds like a little boy. Tell him to grow up! Pathetic men like this make me want to punch them in the face for being such losers.
Yes I am angry! (on your behalf).

It sounds like, apart from being enormously selfish and self-absorbed, your DH is abusive. He has convinced you that you are unreasonable to the point that you doubt your opinion even in something as blatant as this and you are not allowed to refer to being in pain.

I was talking to a neighbour of mine yesterday who split up with her long-time husband because he was unfaithful. This woman has a natural beauty and is very sharp but her husband had her convinced she was ugly and stupid. The fact is that he did her a favour by being unfaithful or she would never have gotten out of that toxic relationship.