Controlling parents try to stop me having any kind of social life / do anything

[lottieandmia]

I hope this doesn't become a huge ramble. Basically, I'm a lone parent of three. My oldest child is severely disabled and I myself have AS so I don't like socialising much anyway and it takes a lot of effort for me to do it. Although once I have I sometimes enjoy it iyswim.

When my older two girls are with their father (every other weekend) I usually just crash out. This weekend I had wanted to go out on Saturday. This is highly unusual. The last time I went out on a weekend was March 2016. I asked my mum if she would mind looking after dd3 for me, who is nearly 8 and she got really annoyed about it. Now, I know it is her weekend too but usually she wants to do something with dd3 on a Saturday. But just because I said I wanted to go out, she had to be difficult and unkind about it.

Today, dd2 said that my mother had been bad mouthing me in front of her and dd2 saying she bets I was going on a date or something and saying nasty things about me. I feel that she wants me to be lonely and miserable for the rest of my life. A couple of weeks ago I met a friend for lunch while the children were at school and I had to hide it from her because I knew she would be nasty about it. Likewise, if I'm on the phone to a friend she shouts at me to get off the phone (my phone, my phone bill etc!)

So my question is, do any of you have this problem? I just don't understand why she never wants me to do anything.

I sounds like a few people have to go low contact, at least.

Asking someone to babysit who repeatedly lets you down is a hide onto nothing.

I know most of us can't afford a babysitter and a night out as well, but there must be other solutions. Inviting people round to your place? Meeting up with people during the day when the children are in school? Or organising with other parents a mutual babysitting group?

Sorry your mum is so difficult. Suggest a read of the "stately homes" threads on the MN relationships board!

Finding occasional paid childcare for your DD3 would be good. There are some great babysitters around - we use Sitters.com, and have had some good sitters. if you can afford this occasionally a sitter might be a good solution.

Could it be tied in with them 'punishing' you for being a single mother - either a religious hangup or they feel its socially stigmatizing for them and you should be suitably penitent and nun-like to atone for your 'sin'?

Not that it's in any way excusable. Like a pp said, find ways to stop being reliant on them for anything. Once you don't depend on them they lose their leverage over you to manipulate you.

And OP I'm a single mum too. You are doing brilliantly despite all the challenges but the monkey on your back here is your mum.

It's your life, not hers, you cut your own path xxxx

I am in a similar situation. I just wanted to add that as a carer you might be entitled to support. You should ring your local council and ask for advice from citizens advice bureau if you want to know more. If you are deemed in 'need', you are entitled to grants and support services. Worth a try as you may be able to fund child-care this way. I find doing an evening art class does wonders for my sanity and helps to carve out a tiny bit of 'me' time in between 2 kids, needy elderly mother who is a law until herself, 2 jobs...and a bunch of personal health problems besides. If you are going to change your situation, it is up to you to do it assertively as it is easy to cave and stay in the same cycle. My ex doesn't want to take the kids if I am going out socially in case I meet someone else, only for work or education purposes. My mother says I don't deserve a new partner because I am 'not worthy' of happiness and no-one will put up with me...projecting again there ma?

It really does sound awful ladies and I do have sympathy. However, your parents can demand all they like but they have zero power over you in reality. You can say but out and enough. Don't rely on them, find your own way and keep a distance. Don't enable their madness by explaining yourselves or going along with it. They sound abusive to me

What a horrible situation some of you are in, you have my sympathy. You're parents are bloody toxic and I wouldn't blame you for telling to fuck off!