Hold my hand

[user128057]

So I'm in a long distance relationship. We are 4hrs apart. I'm in a wheelchair and had been planning to go up and visit in a couple days.

The problem is my parents have made it clear that they don't want me going up. I have nobody who could go up with me.

I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to do. I want to go up and see him, but I do to a certain extent understand my parents concerns.

Does anyone have any advice thank you

What did your parents actually say?

You are over 18, it's not up to them to decide where you can and cannot go. If they are refusing to help you go where you want to go, then maybe you need to look ayptbuding your careers allowance for external help. I'm sure it's hard for them, but you are disabled, not a minor. You are as entitled as anyone else to make your own decisions in life. It's one thing for them to disapprove, it's quite another for them to physically stop you.

Bloody iPad...

'At putting your carers allowance'

My mum did say if I had someone to go with me it wouldn't be so bad but I don't have anyone.

I think acknowledging that it's hard for everyone is a great starting point to work out the best way forward once everyone has calmed down. It sounds like your relationship with your parents is strong enough that you can find a way to work together to increase your independence once the initial upset has died down.

It probably all seemed a bit quick and rushed to your mum so if you can manage to come up with a compromise for this visit maybe she will help you put together a plan for future visits that everyone's happy with.

I do understand how you must feel though OP, wanting to be independent and having to overcome hurdles to achieve it must be very frustrating

OP, I know this may be hard for you to answer or even accept, but is your lack of independence purely down to your disability and needs associated with it, or is there some level of over-protection on the part of your parents?

Many parents do find it difficult to let go when there are disabilities in the mix. Sometimes this is necessary but sometimes parents find it difficult to see how their child can be fully independent, and they worry accordingly. And I'll back up that statement by saying that I am visually impaired and have experience of how protective parents can be, not necessarily of me, but also of others who are in the same position.

I agree that this may not yet be able to be resolved in the near future, but that there are certainly some things which you might be able to build on in the future e.g. Independent travel. The rail companies do offer assistance which you could certainly make use of, the rest I suspect may be a combination of exploring whether you can attend to some of your needs yourself, and finding alternative ways to gain the help you are currently receiving from your family. Bearing in mind that parents may not be around for ever, and as such these are things which will need to be addressed at some point anyway.

What kind of help would you need travelling? Would assistance on trains etc be able to help you?

I'm severely visually impaired so I know how restrictive a disability can be. Sometimes it feels the world is conspiring against you!

Do you not have a friend who could come?

If you were in SW and I didn't have any kids with me I would've happily taken you up.

I hope you get a solution somehow.

X post with another VI person.

WannaBe is also correct in the overprotectiveness of parents.

Some of my friends parents are still unhappy them travelling alone in mid twenties to thirties.

Well I've just had a civil conversation with my parents. My mum has said she'll see if she can come up with a solution where everyone is happy.

As for the overprotective issue my parents do worry and rightly so I guess. I would probably be the same if I had children.

Thank you sarcasm that's nice of you. I would of needed ramps and also help to carry my luggage.

Look into it user a friend of mine has had the rams put on and luggage carried on.

I myself get guided into trains and am often helped with luggage.

Glad you've managed to talk to your Mum.

I have been on trains before a couple of times. The thing is it's always been with someone. My parents are worried about me making such a long journey on my own so far from home.

The good news is you can get free assistance on the railways, for just these sort of issues!

My friend relies on it and has retained her independence and ability to travel because of it.

There is a number to call to set it up, look in the railway company website.

The worry is normal. My mum worried incredibly the first time I traveled on my own to visit a BF, because for her it was the unknown iyswim, and as a car driver the idea of trains was alien to her. Now I live in the London area and she is constantly amazed at the fact that I travel in and out of london, on the underground etc without any issue. But in reality much of it is about her own self doubts and reluctance to use such transport and she can see where she's going. .

In truth the only way you are going to get round this is by starting to travel more independently regardless of their fears. It can be done with a bit of prior planning on your part. Worrying is normal And understandable, trying to prevent you from living an independent life is not.

Having said all that, if you have only met this bloke once I would be wondering why he can't travel to you instead of the other way around? That way you could perhaps both travel together to various places etc and he would get a better feel for the kind of assistance you need and you would be a step closer to the independence you crave.

He doesn't have a job so money is tight. He did say he will start saving.

I only work part time so I don't have much money either. I did pay for him to come here last time but I can't always afford the cost either.

I am learning to drive though so hopefully that will make things easier once I pass my test.

How did you meet? TBH I would be questioning whether this relationship had a future anyway if you essentially can't afford to see each other more than once every three months or so and if accessibility is already an issue wrt his house etc.

Learning to drive will be a definite plus in terms of you being able to get out more etc but honestly? I would be looking for a relationship closer to home or at least one where you are both in a position to be able to travel And I say that regardless of disability.

Sharp intake of breath on my part when I read that you paid his fare last time. I would have serious concerns if I was your parent.

We met on blackberry messenger 3 years ago. Both of us knew it would be hard work with the distance thing but both of us want to make it work. Obviously it sounds madness to some people but it's something both of us are prepared to work through it.

I don't mind paying it. I obviously won't be able to go up there so I don't mind contributing to his fare

Does he have any disabilities OP?

Well, I'm guessing that the OP paid because this was an opportunity for them to meet finally and she wasn't in a position to be able to travel. I can understand that TBH although it's not an arrangement which would be sustainable in the long-term.

OP I know you say that you want to try and make this work, but have you discussed the possibilities? No-one wants to have to discuss the heavy stuff at the beginning of a relationship but when there are such distances involved plus additional difficulties it's IMO important to be honest from the start.

Me and my DP live three hours apart. I live here because I have a fourteen year old DS and I stayed here after me and my eXH split in order to facilitate his relationship with his dad. When me and DP got together we hadn't planned it - it just sort of happened, and neither of us had any idea where the future was going. But I was brutally honest with him from the start, in that for me, moving wouldn't be an option until at least such times as my DS left school. So he knew that if we had a future at some point then he would need to be the one to move.

Fast forward nearly four years and we're engaged now but still living apart, because although he has wanted to move here he works in a very niche job and finding work here has been incredibly difficult. And we have been in this with our eyes open from the start and even then it's bloody hard even though we see each other at weekends. To the point that we had a discussion over the weekend as to whether or not we can sustain this for the next five years or so until my DS leaves school, and then there's every chance I'll be working and as you know finding work with a disability is hard so I might not be in a position to move then after all.

I wouldn't change the last four years for anything and we certainly aren't intending to split up over it. But I do sometimes think that perhaps he might have made different choices.

In your case your BF isn't in a position to travel regularly and neither are you. And you have resistant family in the mix as well. Just go into it all with your eyes wide open. :-)

No he doesn't have any disabilities.

I have had numerous discussions with him about the whole distance thing even before we properly got together. In no way is the situation ideal but he's my first proper boyfriend so for me I've never known different.

No he doesn't have any disabilities.

I have had numerous discussions with him about the whole distance thing even before we properly got together. In no way is the situation ideal but he's my first proper boyfriend so for me I've never known different.