Talk to me about sex anxiety and bad, bad communication

[bananamuncher]

I'm having serious anxiety around sex with my husband, like my skin crawls, I get worried and stressed and just don't want to do it at all.

I've realised it's got a lot to do with the fact that I've basically been doing it even though I really don't want to, especially since having a baby. I've been having sex with him because it makes living with him easier basically, he has a tendency to strop around, sigh, get angry, use excessive innuendo and just basically go on and on about how badly it affects him if he doesn't get it, he says he wants me to want it too but he doesn't seem to notice if I'm not particularly into it.

I feel like I have to because otherwise his behaviour will negatively affect me and it's easier to just do it so he leaves me alone. It's not exactly a supportive or balanced sexual relationship IMO.

I just told him about the anxiety, because I can't take the stress right now, and I really need him to be supportive and understanding about this if we have any hope of rebuilding our relationship. He said he's pleased I've told him, but he also said he needs to "figure out how he's going to deal with this" (I think meaning he needs some kind of sexual relief, and possibly trying to guilt me into it by implying he "needs" sex from somewhere).

He's now gone to the pub because he's "dizzy", code: sexually frustrated, but it's all a bit dramatic and self-centered for my liking. He also kept saying he had a pain in his balls, and that I could never understand the way this makes him feel because I'm a woman.

I just want a grown-up, supportive relationship. Exasperated.

[NightTerrier]

Sorry to hear about your problems. When men are like that it's such a passion killer. So is anxiety. All I can suggest is telling him he's being selfish and putting pressure on you isn't helping your libido. He has a hand ffs. He needs to back off, please himself and let you relax a bit.

It doesn't sound like he's being very romantic. Maybe you could tell him that you need a bit of romance and that him stropping and emotionally blackmailing you won't help set the mood?

[PaterPower]

How long has it been since the birth? How often have you been giving in? How honest have you been with him before this recent conversation?

[DaisyGoesAgain]

OP he sounds truly horrible.

And poor him, off to the pub he goes with a pain in his balls.

He sounds incredibly self centred. Do you really love this man?

And please tell me he hasn't had sex with you when you have told him no, your post insinuates that slightly and that means something entirely different!

But if you are sleeping with someone to manage their behaviour then you are being sexually abused. Period.

My gut instinct tells me you need to get out of there.

[AnyFucker]

How on earth did you end up married to such a fucking mantoddler ?

[needmoregin]

Man toddler 😂 brilliant expression .. he sounds very me me me OP

[AnyFucker]

He sounds like a coercive sexual abuser

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

He's taken himself off down the pub to come to terms with the fact he has to have a wank for a while? Good Lord!

[KatLovesCats]

I'm with AF on this one. An ex of mine was like this - coercive sexual abuser who uses emotional blackmail. It destroys you over time as you're already find out

Please please consider leaving, OP. He won't change. His actions are repellant.

[Gallavich]

There is absolutely no logic or substance to the argument that men need to have regular sex or they feel pain. Men who are single manage to release sexual tension through masturbation and their balls don't drop off. The only difference with a man like your husband is not that he couldn't masturbate to sort himself out but that he doesn't want to. He thinks he has sexual rights over your body.

[KatLovesCats]

I'm with AF on this one. An ex of mine was like this - coercive sexual abuser who uses emotional blackmail. It destroys you over time as you're already find out

Please please consider leaving, OP. He won't change. His actions are repellant. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[KatLovesCats]

Sorry for the double post, mobile playing up!

[AnyFucker]

It was worth saying twice, Kat

[Happyinthehills]

A decent human being would feel mortified that his actions have hurt you this way.

[virgospirit]

He also kept saying he had a pain in his balls, and that I could never understand the way this makes him feel because I'm a woman.

he's also a liar. Men do not get pains in their balls from being sexually abstinent. I know because I have two of my own and have been abstinent in the passed for up to three weeks at a time, no sexual contact at all.

[ivykaty44]

Ffs I'd give him agony in his balls

[bananamuncher]

He's downstairs now with a packet of frozen peas down his pants. I can't help thinking it's for my benefit, there's also alot of sighing.

I have tried to talk about this with him before but it always ends in an argument.

[shinyredbookcase]

Frozen peas? What an idiot. If he was really in such pain, he'd have a walk and cure himself very easily. What does he think single and widowed men do? Men who work away from their partners?

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

How utterly ridiculous

[LellyMcKelly]

He has a bag of frozen peas down his slacks because he can't have a shag? Jesus, has he never heard of having a wank? What a twat. How can he think that would make him attractive to you? This is bullying, coercive, behaviour.

[shinyredbookcase]

This has to be one of the most ridiculous and childish things I've read for a while.

AND it is abusive and manipulative. He's 'performing' so you will have sex with him to manage his behaviour, even though he knows you are anxious about it, don't really want to, and want his help to improve things.

[Foofer]

Needs to get himself to a doctor if he's getting "pain in the balls" after a short time with no sex. Lying bully.

[AnyFucker]

Why are you engaging in this bullshit ?

[Happyinthehills]

Nah really not normal - suggest he sees his GP. Here's hoping he doesn't get frostbite of the balls.

[Wolfiefan]

I agree completely with AnyFucker. He is coercing you into sex.
No man NEEDS sex. Imagine all those single men and virgins with their bollocks swelling, turning blue and dropping off in the street?! No wait. That doesn't happen.
He's bullying you into sex. He's abusive.

[bananamuncher]

That's a fair point AF, and one I've been asking myself for a while.

TBH I've been trying to end the marriage but I just can't seem to get through to him. I told him it was over last week and he got really angry and dramatic and tearful (in front of toddler). He's so intense and stressful and I find his behaviour really difficult, he always tells me (and convinces me) that it's somehow my fault, last week it was because I hadn't told him exactly what was wrong, that this is all a big surprise to him, that he thought we were fine (can't be true, we've been having a bad time for a while now, and I've been trying to talk to him about it).

The problem is I feel the need to reduce the stress (I'm really suffering with anxiety) so I feel I have to placate him, because it's just too much, and I don't want my little one to have to experience all the drama and anxiety. He is also somewhat unpredictable and manipulative, it's a tough situation.