He drinks too much

[UserFormallyKnownAs]

Hey!

NC for this...

I've been inspired to post this as I've seen a few threads similar to mine and would like some advice.

I've been with DP for 4 years (friends for about 11). We're both 39 and he has a son with SN from a previous relationship that he has sole care of, his partner passed away 10 years after my partner did.

The problem is, he's started using drinking as a crutch. He can go for weeks without a drink but as soon as he starts, he can't stop - on 2 occasions he has become verbally abusive. He binge drinks at special occasions and it is utterly ridiculous to witness.

In recent weeks his drinking has been every Saturday, he'll think nothing of having 10 cans followed by a bottle of spirit (vodka or bourbon), just to give you an idea of how much he's putting away. I hoped after New Year and Christmas were out of the way he'd settle again but he hasn't. On the run up to Christmas he bought 6 bottles of bourbon because it was only £15 a bottle (in his eyes this is saving money). He ordered it on an online grocery shop to be delivered when I wasn't there, but plans changed and I noticed he was like a cat on a hot tin roof until the knock at the door from the delivery driver. Why hide it? He then ordered a further 2 bottles. Strangely he didn't drink over Christmas/Boxing Day but he more than made up for it at New Year.

I've noticed that his binges are related to anything negative happening, he dwells on things and stresses about things that may not happen. His son has been having some issues at school and that's fuelled his recent bouts.

I've tried talking to him but he can't see an issue. I spoke to him about it last night and again he said he can't see an issue with having a couple of drinks at a weekend. I highlighted the fact that it's not just a 'couple' and that is gets well out of hand. His solution? Well we should just split up then...

He hasn't spoken today and neither have I. Is this worth continuing with or is this just going to escalate? If it has any relevance his mother was an alcoholic. Is it me being unreasonable as he's making me believe, or is this a ridiculous situation that I need to get out of?

Sorry for the length of post, just wanted to include everything that might be relevant! Any help at all would be much appreciated! Thank you :) x

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You can only help your own self ultimately. He is right - you do need to split up now. He is not good for you now and you will continue to be dragged down by him if you were fool enough to stay.

His primary relationship is with drink; its not with you and his next thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from. Whatever the reasons for his drinking it is affecting you. He hiding booze and you being called unreasonable are pretty much par for the course when it comes to his alcoholism; he sees you as stopping him from doing the one "fun" thing he wants to keep on doing which is drinking.

Alcoholism is really a cruel mistress.

You have tried talking to him and unsurprisingly it has not worked. Talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is a waste of time because of their own denial. The fact too that his mother is an alcoholic is also relevant as alcoholism can also be learnt.

Make plans to separate yourself completely now from this individual; do not waste any more time on him. Talking to Al-anon may also help you re this matter.

The fact that he's not willing to engage with your simple statement of fact says a lot. Indeed, he's gone for the nuclear option at the mere suggestion that he might have a drinking problem.

I assume you live together. I think that needs to end now. You might want to tell him you are willing to continue a relationship as long as he doesn't drink around you - that's up to you.

Thanks for your replies, means a lot!

No we don't live together thankfully, I still have my own flat - we were going to move in together but I thought I'd hold back and see what happened first.

I'm a little sad about his little boy and what he'll pick up :(

I'm afraid this is hopeless but I feel for you op. How is the relationship otherwise?

Do you have relationship with the Childs mother? I would be contacting her with your concerns if I were you.

I'm so glad you're not living there with him.

If you're worried about his son, you really should contact social services. It's not right that a child should live with someone drinking that much - it's not a safe situation.

All you can do is to tell him his drinking is unacceptable and your relationship is at an end. All he's bothered about is alcohol at the moment; there's no point in having a relationship with him.

Alcoholism can run in families unfortunately.

His solution of "well we should just split up then" is actually a very sensible one and for you it's a great bit of advice. You should take it and end the relationship.

It will not get any better unless he admits he has a problem, takes steps to do something about it and then take steps to change how he deals with things. If you think this is extremely unlikely based on what you know of him then you will be flogging a dead horse.

Women often only see the good side in people, ignore the blatant warning signs and end up wasting their own lives trying to "look after" someone else's.

Don't let that be you!

Thank goodness you do not live with him. That will make it far easier for you to extricate yourself from him now. Ultimately you will need to do this for your own sake.

I was also wondering if you knew this child's mother.

In recent weeks his drinking has been every Saturday, he'll think nothing of having 10 cans followed by a bottle of spirit (vodka or bourbon), just to give you an idea of how much he's putting away.

Not exactly a couple of drinks at the weekend, brings a whole new meaning to "minimising". Thats serious, serious drinking, especially if gaps where no alcohol - you could even die drinking that much in one sitting. It sounds absolutely horrible to live with, and I wouldn't if I were you, even with the no drinking in between. He has said to split up anyway if you can't accept his drinking, at least he's being clear there. I think most people with drink problems need to work it out on their own, and you are actually doing them a favour by getting out.

everythisis you didn't read the thread properly. The child's mother is dead.

I agree that you cannot help him until he wants to help himself.

I think it's best to pack the items I have here and get out then.

It's gonna be hard as I obviously love him but the drinking is a side of him I don't want, but it's there...

The mother of the child passed away when he was only 1 so there's nobody I can talk to on that side. On (now ex) DP's side there's nobody either, he doesn't speak to his brother and both of his parents passed away just before I met him 11 years ago.

It is sad and I feel for them both as it is an illness but it's not your problem. You cannot live your life for someone else. Perhaps the shock of splitting up may help him realise that he needs to do something.

I have been on the cusp of this, not to the same extent but certainly drinking every night and dependant. Was drinking over 100 units a week regularly so certainly a problem. It runs in my family too.

I didn't like what I was becoming and made the decision 3 yrs ago to do something about it. I have now cut back from over 100 units a week to less than 10 and often go a couple of weeks without a drink. It has changed my life for the better. It was tough at first though.

Round - Christ I really didn't! Ss then there's no other option

See if he was willing to get help, I would have supported him, but you can't help someone who can't see there's an issue...

Maybe me leaving will make him realise, but to be honest, I'll move on and he'll be stuck in his same miserable routine.

The whole alcoholism runs in families confuses me as my mother is an alcoholic and neither me of my sisters are... to be honest with recent events I'm starting to hate alcohol now!

Obviously not every child of an alcoholic will become one but the risks are higher.