Am I being dicked around?

[HoursOfFun]

Would like opinions on this scenario please:

The man I've been seeing a while suggests going away for a night somewhere (we've done this once before - was brilliant)

He asks me to find hotel I like - I do, Send him a link, he says he likes it - he brings it up again in conversation when I see him, saying how he likes the hotel etc (last Thurs)

I ask which dates would be good for him

He says 'I just need to hear about X event at work, then will have time frame'

X event is announced meaning that we would ideally need to go away in next 3 wks to fit in with his work.

I message Fri saying 'days I can do are x & x - any good?'

He seems disappointed as can only do one of the nights I'm free & he'd suggested two

He says 'I'll have a think and get back to you' (this was Fri)

So I leave it - we chat about other stuff over rest of Fri, yest and this morning

Then today I message after chatting about other stuff I msg saying 'what are yr thoughts re those dates?'

He says 'sorry meant to check, will do..'

Thing is, my gut tells me I am now being given the brush off. This happened once before, he suggested going away, I suggested dates he said would get back to me - never did. I let it slide and gave him benefit of doubt. But I'm. feeling pissed off this time. There seems to be a sort of pattern emerging of him suggesting really nice plans that don't materialise. It's happened with his suggestions about days out, restaurants, cinema trips etc Somehow there's rarely time for these lovely suggestions yet he usually has time for sex, however rushed He says he loves me. Buys me thoughtful presents. But somehow I'm feeling quite shit and I don't know why.

Any advice? Is this future fakery? Do I call him out on it? Sometimes I just feel like walking away but I can't quite get myself to.
Thanks

Yes Salty - I think you're right re seeing Counsellor

There is a lot of chemistry yes

I can't explain the feeling in my gut though

And it reminds me of certain things he's said that make me question who he really is

Like when I saw him last Thurs I was telling how upset I was because my best friend's husband had just left her out of the blue. She is understandably devastated. He kind of made light is it and said 'oh he just probably needs some space' and then said how his best friend had decamped to a Travelofge for a week when his girlfriend had been 'super demanding' (his words). I didn't say anything at the time but afterwards I thought 'does he think that is just ok, to fuck off like that?' Because in my friends case she's been left with two little kids having to explain why Daddy'a suddenly not there.

So I don't know how this fits with him being flaky etc but somehow it stuck in my head

Chloe - thanks - I think that's where i'm headed - even if it's in person not via text

How long have you been together?

There's something wrong here - with this man. You've had counseling. You've experienced EA. This is you now recognizing something is wrong with a new man because you've learned from your past, from counseling. This is what it feels like and how it happens. I wouldn't text him at all again ever.

Listen to your intuition OP. It's not wrong.

Evening, OP. Have you been together long?

So did he ever respond with dates?

Update:

Um.... I feel a bit silly now cos after last time I posted I then sent him an honest message saying that I felt he was being vague and that if he didn't want to do the plans he suggested maybe better not to suggest and that I was fed up with feeling I had to decifer mixed messages ----

Anyway he responded straight away - really apologetic.

Then he sent another message having booked all travel and hotel.

So I feel like I was way too harsh. And he also said that I never, ever seem pissed off about anything and he felt so bad that he'd actually pissed me off - which for me just goes to show how massively I have been masking my feelings and not communicating at all (though my feelings have been really real to me - all the dread etc which I am pretty sure is related to previous relationship).

To those who've asked - sorry for not responding sooner - we've been together a few months though it was incredibly gradual at first (lots of platonic meals and talking).. also we're both very busy so we generally only see each other once a week or twice at most.

Anyway - I''m seeing my counsellor in a few days so hoping to sort out exactly why I was feeling as I was.

Thanks for all the advice everyone.

Hours I'm towards the end of a book 'Women who love too much'. It's been a revelation to me. I have only started to be clear to men on dates in fairly recent months as was used to 'hoping' things would be ok. Not wanting to be unreasonable and 'moany'. I'm more blunt now and things feel less stressful. May be another avenue to try along with counselling.

Why on earth do you feel silly? There is no need. You were feeling let down because actions weren't following words, and that is fine, perfectly reasonable. What I heard from your last post was that you'd been brave and raised it directly, and he responded how he should have. Bravo!

Ah, the endless dilemma of the previously emotionally abused. Am I taking too much and being too tolerant because I was conditioned that way, or am I being over sensitive and reacting about nothing. You are not alone in this.

Agree with Amper, you weren't 'silly' or 'harsh'. You made your feelings known and he immediately booked travel and hotel. Result! Hopefully now he knows you don't like vagueness and will change his ways.

Yep - been there, done that OP. Building things up to the point where they were 'deal breakers', without even giving him the chance to discuss it.

We live and learn. :-)

Nope you were neither silly or harsh, you felt shit because he was making you feel that way with his reeling you in and then apathetic once you had done all the research and working out!

Do not fall for his shit again, be very wary, he doesn't sound to me to be very invested in the relationship, plenty time for sex, but does he ever actually suggest or take you anywhere?

Hi again everyone
Thanks Lilac for book recommendation - will definitely get that.

Also thanks for all the supportive comments.

I'm really a bit all over the place with it all - thank goodness I'm seeing my Counsellor on Friday.

Because as I say when he came back to me having booked everything I thought 'oh I must haven been really over reacting before / bottling everything up / misjudging things because of previous EA relationship'etc

And I am pleased that I finally expressed myself to him and that he responded as he did.

But today I have noticed that every single message he has sent me is almost completely about himself. And I just can't infer how much I am just an ego stroke for him and as Adora said if he isn't very invested.

Admittteldy he's up for a very big high profile job that he really wants. But he literally hasn't asked me one thing about my day! Also if he gets this job I suspect it will be so totally full on he will be even less invested.

So I dunno - I guess I'll see how the trip away goes. I do really like him. Sometimes he'/ just the loveliest person in the world but still... the vagueness and lack of commitment to plans before bothered me, today the self absorption has bothered me and I think I need to maintain some detachment and just see how it goes.

Thanks again for all the support.

Oops - meant can't help wondering (not infer)

Stay calm, detach a bit, know that you do not need this man to survive. Keep evaluating him...
You'll be fine..

It sounds like he is happy with a "nice girlfriend" and has no interest in it going beyond that to partner material.

You may happy with that - almost something that is just a bit more than FWB? Or you may want to find a serious committed partner?

OP this sounds like too much game playing.

Why don't you just ask him outright if he's actually invested, and ask what will happen if he gets this new job?

Purposely detaching yourself "just incase" it doesn't all go to plan is pointless IMO. You're just as bad as he is, if that's what you're gunna do.

You know you could save yourself a lot of time if you actually..... Speak to him. Communicate. It really isn't that difficult.

However it does sound like there's always something wrong. First the vagueness over not making plans etc, now being self absorbed. What's next?

Thanks for the replies again.

Salty - I agree, that is what I will do.

Random - yes you may be right. But half the problem is I guess I'm not sure what I want either. Maybe because of previous EA. Like when he's said 'I love you' I often freeze and can't respond. I just slightly panic.

Sparkling - I guess I agree with much of what you say but again because of EA in past I think I am struggling to work out what is caused by my fear as opposed to his behaviour and I'm not meaning to play games - I just feel very unsure about my own judgement ATM l. And I really like him but I also feel so in need of defending myself. So I'm on constant high alert for any signs that I should withdraw.
Posting on here is just helping gain some clarity I think. It's just useful to track what'/ going on and get reactions of others.

When we go away next week I think I will ask him about the job etc And also gauge other things - what I want / he wants.

Oh, after me saying that about the self absorbed messages yesterday he then sent one this morning saying 'I think you're brilliant, sexy and clever' and a load of other stuff and asking about everything I was doing yesterday and commenting helpfully about things - so maybe it is my reactions that are a bit askew after all.

Anyway - thanks a lot again all.

Oh dear, I think you are massively over thinking and over analysing this. I get why you are. Because of being hurt in the past. But you have to chill out a bit, or you will ruin this relationship before it has a chance to develop. I do get it, I do. I was quite fucked up when I met DH, as my first husband had cheated on me a lot. I was suspicious, jealous, over analytical.....thank goodness he stuck with me...many wouldn't have....

OP, in answer to your earlier question, I kind of meant everything. You need to chill a bit & see how things go. I agree with Husky about how previous experiences have influenced how you think but, you are going to drive him away.
Just enjoy & take it one date at a time

You should be able to tell your partner when they're being a bit self-absorbed. Something light like, 'Ok enough about you, ask me about my day'. He should take the hint. If he always wants to talk about himself but sometimes remembers to throw in a question about you then that means he's too self-absorbed I think.

I'm sorry OP but he's not that into you. Sounds like he doesn't respect you much either. Don't allow yourself to be strung along.

Thanks all.

Saw Counsellor this morning.

Talking to her makes me realise that I'm not challenged enough at work and that I don't feel great about myself generally and this is probably making me a bit too accepting of less than ideal relationship stuff.

I think I need to start being more ambitious work wise and do stuff I enjoy outside and build up all that - then relationship stuff will be easier to understand - as in, what it is I actually want.

Because I really don't know at the moment. I don't know what I want from current man hence my inability to communicate.

Counsellor says this has probably been a useful relationship step for helping to get over EA but that might be no more than that. I think she's right.

Onwards and upwards! Feeling good now actually. Got fun stuff planned over weekend and about to see a film.
Who needs men?!

Thanks again all.