Son's comment

[Secretlife0fbees]

I am in the process of leaving my stbxh, just for info I posted before about his behaviour- mostly verbal abuse / gaslighting towards me but last week he was undeniably verbally abusive to our 10yo ds and I just snapped and realised that enough was enough.
I don't want my ds to know that he is the ultimate reason for our separation so I have been trying to sheild the kids from what's going on whilst getting my plans in order. After the arguing that the kids were dragged into by him last weekend i have managed to persuade him to leave them out of it and stop using them to threaten me. I don't know whether this will work long term but I am taking it a day at a time.
I have told my h that my mortgage offer (to buy him out) lasts 90 days and therefore he has until 1/4 to agree to an amicable split which will be undoubtedly in his best interests. I just want to make things as peaceful for the dc as I can.
Yesterday We went to a shop to buy ds some things he needs for a school residential trip he's going on tomorrow. H was bearable, mainly because I didn't rise to his bait when he constantly nitpicks about everything I suggest. I have also told h that this period before the 1/4 is his only chance to review his behaviour - in my mind it is over but he is very much bothered about what the outside world thinks of him and so I do not want to give him the opportunity to play the victim any more than he definitely will by saying that I just ended it without warning.
Ds and I were having a chat as we do every night in his bed just as I was putting him to bed. He said to me
'Mum, I noticed that dad was trying really hard today'
I asked him what he meant, he said
'I could really tell that he was trying really hard not to say anything mean to us'.
He said it really happily like we should be so grateful for his half hearted efforts.
I just nodded and said yes great.
Anyone have any ideas how to handle this kind of thing? Just agree? Tell him that is dad shouldn't be being mean in the first place or just keep the peace til we divorce and pick up the pieces later?
Thanks

you are really strong knowing what's right and standing your ground and following through! I need to do the same!!!

It's certainly easier said than done though isn't it!
I took my wedding ring off today when washing something, don't feel like putting it back on. Maybe I won't. DH is doing 'super dad' routine (playing with ds toy fighting etc when I have asked him to go and get changed, all v helpful). I want a divorce RIGHT NOW. I have been reading a bit about divorce today and learned that they actually don't have to agree to it! I didn't know that, I thought he could blackmail me with not signing the papers for years.... is that right?

Oh wow, I know nothing about it I'm sorry. Hopefully someone will. Stay strong.

If you divorce him for unreasonable behaviour then no you don't need his agreement.

However it's not usually the divorce itself that takes time but agreeing a settlement regarding finances. If he won't play ball with declaring assets, pensions etc it can drag on a long time.

I think you need to tell the DC what is happening sooner rather than later. My concern if you don't, would be that they will find out from your H, during an argument or similar, when you can't control what, and how they are told.

Yeah he has threatened to tell ds the other day to hurt and control me, then he changed his mind as it would be a very undeniable thing to do and he would be held accountable for that with others. He cares about his image to other people very much.
I might consider telling him soon, depending on what happens in the next week. H cannot be trusted.
Thanks for your input

Tempus - if we went down the legal route in terms of declaring assets etc he would lose out, I earn 3x more than he does but we have some debts which I am prepared to take on. I have offered to give him half of the equity of the house, keep our own pensions and i will pay the credit card bills. There isn't anything else. If he wanted to get really petty I could also declare that he has contributed nothing to the household for the past 3 years, I have paid everything and never ever asked him what he's spending his salary on which he treats like pocket money.
He buys some shopping and petrol etc but I never ask him for any money. So with that in mind he could end up with a smaller share of the equity? Not sure but I can't see him getting more than half which is what I am offering him. Esp if you minus all the legal fees etc

Please do get legal advice before you give him half the equity and take on debts, OP. I know you want to keep the peace for DC sake, but it sounds like ex is going to give you a hard time anyway.

Wish you the best of luck. Please do let us know how you get on (if you want to).

"I don't want my ds to know that he is the ultimate reason for our separation"

He isn't. Your husbands abuse and unreasonable behaviour is.

Chloe you're right, if he's gonna be difficult then what have I got to lose.

Isadora - yes. I probably worded that wrong. I meant I didn't want him to think that since what h did to him gave me the final push. I have had some new perspectives on this today (including yours so thanks) which have helped me understand how to tackle this with ds when the time comes.

OP your settlement offer sounds way too generous, he should be biting your hand off if he had any sense! However his lack of financial contribution to the household won't be taken into account I'm afraid (assuming you are in England or Wales that is).

Divorce is on a "no fault" basis when it comes to finances in all but very extreme cases such a massive gambling debts etc.

Interesting, thanks tempus. I think an appointment with a solicitor is in order.

Just an update, I have made it clear to stbxh that it is over and that we need to decide how to proceed. He has spent the last few days raging, ranting and silent (but mostly raging) he has threatened me with telling our ds and all kinds of stuff. I have remained calm as possible but the stuff coming out of his mouth is so self pitying and pathetic about how I am the bad one and how I have basically treated him so badly, ruined his life and how he is the victim in all this and I am the abusive one. Our ds is away so I am feeling a little less stressed knowing that he is not here to feel the atmosphere. My dd seems oblivious and I am being v happy and positive as normal.
Yesterday he came into the room where I was working and demanded that I put in writing that he would get 50/50
Childcare and I would give him xx money and buy his car off him. I lost it a little bit and told him that I would NOT be doing him any favours and it would be better to proceed down the legal route. This took the wind out of his sails. I told him I was not scared of him and that the law would be on my side and that I would not discuss it further.
He woke me at 4:30am telling me that he was sorry, that he will be reasonable and do what is the best thing for the children. He said he wanted to wake me up to share this 'revelation' while he still felt it (?)
This morning he said he had written some things down for me to read.. I read this letter he had written to me on his laptop, it contained lots of apologies along the lines of 'I am sorry that you feel that I have hurt you' and 'we have both said bad things but I am sorry that you feel hurt about what I said' basically a load of self pitying nonsense that is pretending to be an apology.the letter states that he accepts that we're separating. I just said ok thanks. At least the raging has stopped for now.

Secretlife please get legal advice.

You might think you want to give him everything for a quiet life but in your shoes it's s best to be informed at the very least of your legal position.

If your having the DC and being main carer I don't think you should take all the debt and half the equity. You need a roof over your head for your DC.

What happens if you fall sick and you have all this credit card debt and higher mortgage repayments?

Get legal advice.

I know right now it feels like you would be happy to give him whatever to get him out of your life. But don't be a push over. He sounds like a bully. Stand up for yourself firmly and politely it will be best for yourself and your DC.

Our H might actually shut up once he sees you aren't walking on eggshells for him or bending over backwards to appease his tantrums.

Well, emotionally at least he is making it easy for you. Get legal advice. You can always choose to be generous later, but lock everything down initially.

I don't think the comment needs further discussion to be honest. 10 yo is enough for him to understand what is going on, but as you said yourself - you want to shield him as much as possible. It will not help if you talk about the matter.

I have an appointment with a solicitor - stbx isn't the type to proactively do anything so at least on that score I have the upper hand. Still can't do anything practical til mid may though which is really annoying but gives me time to get things sorted.

God, he really is pathetic, isn't he?

You're right, 'I'm sorry you feel...' is no apology at all.

As for his 'revelation' - ha! Does he think he's Jesus?

Keep his letter, OP, you never know, may come in handy :)

Well done OP. When is your solicitors appointment, is it a "free" half hour? Either way make sure you are pre-prepared with your questions and take in a basic summary of income and assets belonging to you, your H and jointly between you. Pensions are usually the biggest asset after house equity. Good luck, hope all goes ok for you.

another yes re. a good solicitor. i would get initial advice from two just to be sure, before you even proceed further.