Hi, have name changed as I know that people I know use this site and to be frank Im just embarrassed at my life right now and feel like I need a bit of outside perspective.
Also, this might be long, bare with me, I dont want to drip feed info.
Am currently 16 weeks pregnant with very unexpected first child, had been told many time by medical professionals that I would need fertility treatment in order to get pregnant as I was anovulatory due to PCOS, Met DP and caution was thrown to the wind regarding contraception and obviously I get pregnant, a grand total of 8 weeks into our relationship. DP took it well, all happy, lots of long talks ensued as to what to do, we jointly decided that as much as this is very much the wrong time for me to get pregnant that we would continue the pregnancy, DP moved in.
We've been having issues with him always thinking his opinion is the right one, he's very much used to being single and getting his own way and his own choice a lot. But we've spoken about this and he is definitely trying to improve this. I feel like his is actively participating in the relationship, is taking it upon himself to read up about pregnancy, has devised saving plan so I can have extended maternity leave etc etc. All good.
Before we were together DP lived in a flat share and had a couple of short term relationships and one longer one (2.5 years) over a 10 year period. When he was single he admits to using a lot of porn and specifically paying for cam sites, the ones where you 'tip' women money in order for them to perform sex acts on webcam. He stated he was ashamed of this cam site usage. I told him categorically that I dont like porn, that i think it is damaging to all involved and to those viewing it.
Two months or so into the relationship, I found a message on the iPad on Skype from him to a cam site girl asking her if she still worked on the site, she hadn't responded. I went onto Skype as I was planning on using it to call a cousin in Australia. Asked him about it, he said it was just a moment of fleeting curiosity and that it wouldn't happen again, I chose to forget about it and move on.
I need more sleep than DP - pregnant and recently started a new job, so generally go to bed about 9:30 and he comes up at midnight.
I wanted to have a look at wall papers online whilst he was at work the other day and asked him for his password to the laptop so i could see them on a bigger screen, rather than my phone, he told me the password.
Not sure why but I clicked on his history. it was absolutely chock full of porn sites, but specifically lots of hits on one particular cam site. I also found online payment receipts, of about £60 for this cam site. Some days there were up to 200 different pages of porn/cam sites in the history, more on days when I was at work and he was off, but he has clearly been using these sites when Ive gone to bed.
Now my issue is, I get that he wants to use porn, thats his choice, I dont want to know, but the use of the cam sites, the paying of these women to perform for him, to interract with them, to get them to do sexual things he want them to do for him, thats too much for me. I feel very much that a boundary has been crossed by him interacting with women sexually, be that via the internet.
I confronted him about it, he admitted it straight away, but he likens porn and cam sites as the same thing, but to me they're very different, Id feel the same way of he went to a strip club, let alone went to a strip club and paid for a dance. We've spoken about it for hours and i think he understands my point of view.
He apologised profusely, has promised that he won't do it again, but I just cant trust that he won't. I feel vulnerable as fuck anyway, pregnant, new relationship, new job and this. I dont know how far my boundary has been crossed. I just know that it hurts that he is willing to pay strangers to touch themselves for him when Im asleep upstairs, it just seems to smack as a lack of respect. I dont know.
Sorry for the length, well done if you managed to get through it.
Opinions on a post card please.